( searching 2637 episodes of Achewood!)

• Picking Up Showbiz at the "Airport"

  [[Roast Beef has picked Showbiz up from the police station. They are in his car.]] Showbiz: So! 'Ssssup, brah! Didn't think I'd miss your wedding, didja? Roast Beef: Oh uh definitely not we got a seat for you and everything Showbiz: 'Course you do, bro-dareeno! You always gotta have a seat for the best man! Right next to YOU! Head table, dude! We're finally gonna PARTY! Roast Beef (thinks): Presumptuous son of a bitch! Showbiz: I wrote a speech and everything, man! This is a really big deal for me! I had a rough year, man... Showbiz: ...so if I do a good job with the speech and stuff, this is like a real big turnin' point for me! I guess I'm tryin' to prove that I can be a stand-up guy like you! Showbiz: You're a role model, Beef! You show me what it means to be family and stick up for each other! Roast Beef (thinks): Oh Jesus shut up with your hot buttered lies or I'm going to be sick Roast Beef (thinks): You god damned entree-wanting organism Roast Beef (thinks): CRAP now I got to rack my brain and engineer my brother out of my wedding party and it ain't like I already want to SLICE THIS DAMN WEDDING IN HALF LIKE THE GORDIAN KNOT OR ANYTHING Showbiz: But first we got to send you off in style, Beef! I'm talkin' off-the-hook bachelor party! They got this strip club down in Acapulco called The Organ Hatch, man! I'm gonna get all your guys to fly down there! Hummer limo, Cristal, the works! First hooker's on me, man! Roast Beef (thinks): Well good 'cause she sure as hell won't be on me {{alt text: Actually, that place is in Cozumel, and it's a Beetle limo, not a Hummer.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06112008

• Achewood - November 30, 2007

  [[No dialogue. Lyle, wearing a paper server's hat, is working a coffee cart called the Perky Pervert: Java for Freaks (according to the sign). There is a case for pastries of indistinct nature, and a hand lettered sign on the front offers to "Dildo it!" for $1.]] [[No dialogue. An anthropomorphic tabby cat with small pac-man eyes and his arms folded infront of a developed chest and six pack abs, wearing shorts with commas for pockets, is approaching.]] [[Panel 3: Lyle and the newcomer are talking.] LYLE: Gar-motherfuckin'-field! Man, I'll never get used to seein' you outta makeup. GARFIELD: Hey. You guys do a cappuccino? [[Lyle setting to work]] LYLE: Yeah, man. We do a mean one. Dildo it for you? Only a buck. [[Garfield, arms still folded, looks somewhat tense. Lyle continues working]] GARFIELD: Nah. Can't. LYLE: No worries. Union? GARFIELD: <italics> Exaactly. [[Garfield's hands hold a pair of oval cartoon eyes, the pupils slightly to the right from our perspective]] GARFIELD: Listen, I don't have any moolah on me. Want a pair of strip eyes? LYLE: Sure, alright. [[Garfield, still pensive, holds the strip eyes. Lyle has placed a paper to-go cup with a hot-top on it on the counter. A PP logo for "Perky Pervert" is visible on the cup.]] GARFIELD: I was looking left in this panel. When you face them, they look like they're looking right, but when you wear them, you're looking left. {{Alt-Text: If Garfield has his coffee dildoed, he'll never Garfield in this town again. Also, he is so rich that his pockets are made of commas.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302007

• Achewood - March 13, 2008

  Showbiz: [[in phone booth]] Beef! It's me, man! Your brother Mike! 'Sup! Roast Beef: [[talking on cell phone]] Oh uh hey Showbiz listen I have some good news about Molly and me-- Showbiz: [[on phone]] Look, man! Are you near a phone? I just need some quick cash, pay you back in like two days, max! You'll be at this same number, right? Roast Beef: [[talking on cell phone]] We are getting married this summer and-- Showbiz:[[on phone]] Wait--whoah! Hit the brakes, man! Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, brah! Ha ha ha! Am I right? Roast Beef: [[talking on cell phone]] Molly does not produce milk Showbiz Showbiz: [[in phone booth]] I see how it is! So I'm outta your life and it's all about her now, huh! You only got room for one of us, is that it? No more helpin' out your only brother? No more good times? We were gonna party, man! You're just gonna throw that all away? Roast Beef: [talking on cell phone]] Showbiz I said that my girlfriend's body is not lactating I did not say that we could no longer "party" or sit around and borrow money from me Showbiz: [[in phone booth]] Listen to how you're talkin', man! She's already go you by the short and curlies! You used to be off the hook, man! You used to be the mega party guy! The ichi-ban party muchacho! This chick is draggin' you down, man! Roast beef: [[to self]] That son of a bitch is lying to my face so that nothing disturbs his handout structure will I've HAD IT dammit WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE FOR ME! Roast Beef: [[talking on cell phone]] Look Showbiz if you want some cash you can be a busboy or pick up litter at the wedding that's my only offer Showbiz: [[on phone]] Sweet, man! I am just gonna get WRECKED on bridesmaids! Make sure they're hot, dude! And plenty of Cuervo! Chicks will do ANYTHING on Cuervo! THEY'LL EVEN LEZ OUT! {{Alt text: If Showbiz can get some chicks to lez out at the wedding, this will be a big year for him.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03132008

• Achewood - March 17, 2004

  Ray: Look, Beef! I just drew all these dots around my arm like I was Frankenstein! Roast Beef: Oh uh you should place the dots more at your joints you know Dr. Frankenstein was trained in anatomy and would never have cut through the middle like that Ray: Okay...but still - pretty cool, huh! Roast Beef: Also you got to have bolts on both sides of the neck to serve as your positive and negative terminals Roast Beef: Another nice touch would be molasses to mimic congealed blood around the stitches [[Ray at the computer, composing a diary entry that reads: Dear Diary, Well, I'd tell you about my day but Roast Beef could probably do it better! Maybe I'll pretend HE'S writin' today's entry, since he is so smart! oh uh listen uh so and um today I studied a microscope oh dang wait I am supposed to be writing Ray's diary uh sorry wait okay then uhh Ray expressed the smallest iota of creative ability and um as usual I couldn't keep my mouth shut I was hella blabberin' comments and carryin' on in such a way as a fool does]] [[Roast Beef also at the computer, composing his real diary entry: *Journal For 3/17* Talking with Ray today I realized that one can be either Prepared or Unprepared for death. I spent the afternoon centralizing all my financial papers so that I won't be a hassle to the caseworker who closes the books on me. I pinned the file to the wall opposite the front door, roughly at eye level, clearly labeled. On the folder I attached a Post-It of various places I might be found dead (scalded on garage floor due to hot water heater explosion, etc). Todd called, we had a good chat. He wanted to know if...]] {{alt text: Could also be found having choked to death in breakfast nook}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03172004

• Achewood ? March 18, 2009

  Ray: Dude, I can't just read somethin' and "know" it. I'm one of those guys who learns best by doin'. Ray: That's why I can't come out all guns blazin' on, like, the history of France. Pat: Oh, come on. Everybody at least knows what Bastille Day is. Ray: Actually, that's a great example. Look: I wasn't there bein' all historical, so I'm like, "Bastille Day? There's poop in the river and the peasants are dyin'? Whaaat?"* [[*Point of fact: this was most of history, but not Bastille Day in particular.]] Pat: You know, I'm not entirely unsympathetic to learning disorders. Perhaps there could be a special school where you play-act historical events in order to be able to remember them. Ray: Now you talkin' with bacon, Pat! Dayum! [[Ray sits on a horse with a smoking pistol, dressed in a Napoleonic era military uniform.]] Ray's Narration: Picture me all on some plumed horse in my finery, shootin' a cup outta' a peasant's hand with my wooden pistol as he tries to drink the river water... Ray: I do zees... in ze name of Bastille. Pat: I suppose for an extra fee you could get the entire significance of your chosen topic completely wrong, yes. [[MARCO POLO, CHINA, 1290]] Ray: Alright, China. You drive a hard bargain. I'll give you the idea for spaghetti, but let the women and children go. I don't care what happens to me. [[Price tag: $600]] [[LONDON, 9/18, 1970]] Ray: Jimi, man, wake up. Lay on your side, man. I ain't care if it goes all over the carpet. Just get those reds out, get that nasty old Ripple out. Jimi Hendrix: Oh... oh god man... thanks Ray... Ray: We gonna get omelettes, Jimi. Hot omelettes in the PM. You just rest. [[Price tag: $2400]] {{Alt text: Ray has a tricky relationship with knowledge.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03182009

• Achewood § December 22, 2008

  [[White on black "1984" sets the date]] [[Young Ray and Beef with appropriate aviator glasses and 80s hair]] Ray: Dude! Waldenbooks keeps their extra Playboys in a little cabinet right by the entrance! You just slide open the door and walk out with one rolled up in your hand! Beef: Oh wow uh that is juvie for sure man that is stealin' in the main Ray: If you get caught with no receipt, and you ain't in the shop, there's nothing they can do! Ray (excitedly): Proof ex facto! [[At the mall, standing in front of a cabinet in Waldenbooks. Beef's rifling through the cabinet while Ray is on lookout]] Ray: Hurry dude! The guy's gonna look over here! Beef (struggling): Oh Jesus Ray they all still in shrink wrap bundles man plus there's no light in here I mean why couldn't you do this part [[Ray drops his cover-book from the 25-cent stack and Beef looks up]] Ray: Crap, dude! He's comin'! Run! Just grab one and RUN! [[Ray high-tails it out of the store, leaving Beef still struggling with the cabinet]] [[The manager arrives with a clipboard]] Manager: HEY! What do you think you're doing? I'm gonna call security! [[Beef stands up shakily, clutching a magazine from the cabinet to his chest]] Manager: Give me that. Manager (sternly): Now. [[Beef looks down at his ill-gotten gain]] [[Beef picked...]] Playgirl: This month, Ben Playgirl: Ten things to do Playgirl: Hot aruba nights! Manager: Let's just see what we have here! [[Beef sobs quietly]] [[As the manager looks at the cover, his face softens]] [[His eyes crinkle up, as if remembering ... something from his past]] Manager: Look. I know where you're at. Just don't do this, not like this. You'll get a record, and you don't want that. Manager: If you want to explore, and I'm not saying anything, just rememer that you're not alone, and that there is safety. Beef: Okay sir uh yes sir Manager: You're wonderful, and you're alive, and you deserve every little bit of happiness that the universe has to offer anyone, no matter who or what you like. Never forget that. Manager: Now, I'm sorry, but I have to ask you to leave the store.
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12222008

• Achewood - March 21, 2007

  [[Inside of the video store Ray stands to the left of Pat. He is yanking a video case out of Pat's hands.]] Ray: Daaamn, Pat! I didn't know you were gonna be at the video store! Whatchu gettin'? Pat: None of your--GIVE ME THAT! [[Ray holds the case up, reading the title.]] Ray: Whoah. I don't know who Steve is, but I don't think I'm invited to his Party. Pat: give...me...thaaaaat! [[Ray is perusing the selection of videos on the shelf in front of him. Pat stands by helplessly.]] Ray: You know what the problem with gay porn is? I'll tell you. Look at these titles... Ray: "Steve's Party." Ray: "Tim and Carl's Houseboat Party." [[Ray continues to sort through titles.]] Ray: "Brad: Party of One." Ray: "Josh Rents a Wimp." Ray: You know the clerk thinks you're an idiot for gettin' movies with titles this stupid, porn or not, man. [[Ray looks up from the video cases in his hands.]] Pat: Well, yes, but I don't have-- Ray: That's why you and me gotta reinvent gay porn, dude. We gonna design stealth DVD cases that only gay dudes know to pick up, cases that are virtually impossible for anyone else to care about. Ray: I just decided this. [[Panel Caption: SOON. Closeup of Ray's hand, holding a DVD case. Pictured on the case is a dog shaking excitedly in front of a bowl of food. The title on the case reads "Great, Great, _Great_!" It carries the subtitle "From the FINNISH" and is further labeled as being "DOUBLE-SUBTITLED." The case also features a sticker carrying the "handicapped" logo surrounded by the text "HOT PICK!"]] Ray: Pat? Yeah, Ray here. I made us up a prototype. {{Alt Text: Pat was renting Steve's Party.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212007

• Achewood § December 18, 2009

  [[Ray and Roast Beef are watching television.]] Ray: Man, I've had it with old people sayin' "our morals gettin' worse with every generation" and "why can't it be like the good old days." Ray: Ain't those the same people gave us lynch mobs, asbestos, and flour-gut? Beef: Here [[Picks up remote, "click"]] TV: IT'S...AMERICA'S MOST CHEESE-SHAPED DADS! TV: RICHARD FROM LA SCOPE, PENNSYLVANIA "LOOKS" LIKE A SCAMORZA! TV: RONALD PETRAKIS OF AKRON WAS NAMED "MR. MIMOLETTE" FOR HIS LACY, SEBACEOUS SURFACE DANDER! [["click"]] TV: CHECKING IN WITH...THE FATTEST HOMELESS VIRGIN! TV: STILL NO PROGRESS AS FLONTEL ENTERS WEEK THREE, HIS SHIRT BLOODIED FROM WHAT HE THINKS MIGHT HAVE BEEN A FIGHT...OR, WORSE, NIGHT ANEURYSMS... [["click"]] TV: WHO WILL BE AMERICA'S NEXT... TV: MOST DISABLED BALLERINA... TV: THIS WEEK... TV: KELLY SUE'S FATHER PLACES A ROSE IN HER HANDS - AND HER FEET IN THIRD POSITION - AS THE DOCTOR REMOVES THE VENTILATOR! TV: WILL her family take home the Camaro 6500?! Ray: Still, man. Gladiators. Bear-baitin'. Stonin' women. Ray: Tell me these fluff shows ain't at least better than straight-up public snuff. Beef: What they lack in isolated blood spectacle they make for in continuous distributed cultural erosion Beef: Like rain freezin' and thawin' between bricks year after year this house will come down Ray: Used actors gripin' in a hot tub ain't exactly the four horsemen of the apocalypse, dude. Beef: I bet there's a Nostradamus somewhere about a "raisin-breasted temptress / nee of Sylwester / who courts a Flavorous Jester / as we close earth's final Semester" {{Title text: STILL NO PROGRESS AS WIDBLAINE ENTERS WEEK THREE, HIS SHIRT BLOODIED FROM A CALL TO HIS MOTHER!}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12182009

• Achewood - February 29, 2008

  Lyle: Rent's due, low-life! Dude says he wants it by four 'cause he's goin' to the bank, you no-name jerk! T??odor: Rent?! It's the first of the month already? Oh Christ, I haven't got a dime! T??odor (thinking): I'll...sell..sandwiches! I'll throw some stuff from the fridge in a cooler and make them where workers are...my angle can be "made to order," they'll like that... T??odor: URRRGH! [[T??odor grabs two bottles, one of Plotkin's Fine Horseradish Condiment and one labeled "Vet Rx; Dog Penis Medicine; Dog: Ricky" T??odor (thinking): God...who put these condiments up so high...these both look like my horseradishes...no time to see which is full...bring 'em both... Caption: SOON. T??odor: Here you go, sir! One fine baloney and horseradish with lettuce slices, made to your order! Thank you for your business! Construction worker: All RIGHT! Man, made-to-order! If mama could see me now! Construction worker: Dam...DAAAAMN, sucker! That is some strong-ass mothafuckin horseradish! That that fresh stuff like they got in Hawaii? T??odor: Let me check! I do keep a variety of styles... [[T??odor picks up Dog Penis Medicine bottle.]] T??odor (thinking): What?! [[T??odor stares and begins imagining.]] Construction worker: WAIT A MINUTE, THIS TASTES JUST LIKE DOG PENIS MEDICINE! WHAT YOU ALL ABOUT, SUCKER?! [[Construction worker grabs bottle, interrupting T??odor's reverie.]] Construction worker: Let me see that! Construction worker: Whoah, "Dog Penis Medicine"? HEH! Just like those crazy-ass names the up with for hot sauces! Say, my rich cousin J.D. Klein from Alabama collects rare spicy stuff...how much for this jar? It pretty rare? Caption: $200 LATER T??odor: Alrighty, then! Thanks! Construction worker: It ain't easy to impress Klein. He has a Mercedes an' a Corvette. {{Alt text: Ricky is really up the creek right about now.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02292008

• Achewood - July 17, 2008

  [[Ramses Luther Smuckles and Pat are loading up their plates at the buffet]] Ramses: The hell your'e so picky at the buffet, son. You eat just one damned roll, you ain't gonna have no base down for later. Pat: They haven't made ANY attempt to accommodate modern dietary needs. Ramses: Body eats a diet, diet is defined as food, I see plenty of that here. This family spent their savings to feed you, son. Pat: Every single dish has animal products in it. I refuse to participate in the industrialized slaughter of life. Ramses: You put some damn food on that plate or I'M gonna industrialize me up some slaughter of life, you candy-ass word-style hero! [[Vlad, apparently drunk, has his arm around Roast Beef's shoulder]] Vlad: Roast Beef! How are you feelink now that you are the big married guy? Roast Beef: Well uh this definitely started better than it's gonna end if you know what I mean Vlad: What?! Already is divorce what she says?! The bitch! I KNEW it! Tonight, we drink! Roast Beef: No man I'm just sayin' years from now me all crawlin' around blind on the linoleum with some eighty dollar tube hangin' outta my Johnson. Roast Beef: My lady all dead six days in the bathtub and the guy from the county and checks the Yes box after Is It A Shame [[People mingling in the crowd]] Ramses: Well, truth be told I'm doin' a lotta that Bik-aram yoga lately...that hot-room stuff where everybody can't help but pass gas. It's good for my old back, but damned if I can bring myself to take any of those women out for a cold beer. [[Teodor is looking haggard, staring off into space]] Ray: Serious, T, genius call hirin' on all those molly brothers. Pay 'em out "fivepence-none-the-shilling" or whatever and keep the change, is what I...what, dude? Ray (thinking to himself): DAD! He finally came to check in! He finally wants to get our family together!
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07172008

• Achewood - July 17, 2008

  [[Ramses Luther Smuckles and Pat are loading up their plates at the buffet]] Ramses: The hell your'e so picky at the buffet, son. You eat just one damned roll, you ain't gonna have no base down for later. Pat: They haven't made ANY attempt to accommodate modern dietary needs. Ramses: Body eats a diet, diet is defined as food, I see plenty of that here. This family spent their savings to feed you, son. Pat: Every single dish has animal products in it. I refuse to participate in the industrialized slaughter of life. Ramses: You put some damn food on that plate or I'M gonna industrialize me up some slaughter of life, you candy-ass word-style hero! [[Vlad, apparently drunk, has his arm around Roast Beef's shoulder]] Vlad: Roast Beef! How are you feelink now that you are the big married guy? Roast Beef: Well uh this definitely started better than it's gonna end if you know what I mean Vlad: What?! Already is divorce what she says?! The bitch! I KNEW it! Tonight, we drink! Roast Beef: No man I'm just sayin' years from now me all crawlin' around blind on the linoleum with some eighty dollar tube hangin' outta my Johnson. Roast Beef: My lady all dead six days in the bathtub and the guy from the county and checks the Yes box after Is It A Shame [[People mingling in the crowd]] Ramses: Well, truth be told I'm doin' a lotta that Bik-aram yoga lately...that hot-room stuff where everybody can't help but pass gas. It's good for my old back, but damned if I can bring myself to take any of those women out for a cold beer. [[Teodor is looking haggard, staring off into space]] Ray: Serious, T, genius call hirin' on all those molly brothers. Pay 'em out "fivepence-none-the-shilling" or whatever and keep the change, is what I...what, dude? Ray (thinking to himself): DAD! He finally came to check in! He finally wants to get our family together!
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07172008

• Roast Beef's 'Zine

  [[Roast Beef is looking through a cardboard box.]] Beef: (thinking) Oh dang wow my old high school 'zine that I used to make [[He reads the 'zine]] LISTEN UP ACHEWOOD UNIFIED HIGH SCHOOL It's... THE PRIVATE EYE [[Next to the title is a clip art kitten wearing a pilgrim hat.]] your editor Ed E. Haskell [[The first column:]] Cod is Nasty by Ed E. Haskell Why do they serve us nasty old cod at lunch break. We asked lunch lady Doris Marsh why the fish is so nasty and she got pretty mad. She said that she worked a long day to feed us and her husband was in the army thirty years so we could live free <i>cont</i> [[A picture of a real cat with a black censor bar over its eyes has the caption:]] Guess which teacher hit his wife on the A-student field trip [[The second column:]] Supt. Clemens Has Fat Thighs Which is Unusual for a Man by Ed E. Haskell Men tend to store fat on the belly, but rebel fat-storer Supt. H. Clemens stores his fat on his rear and thighs while having a normal middle. When asked via phone if this was his way of supporting women's rights <i>cont</i> [[in a box in the third column]] STICK CORNER--rearrange this... [[The Van Halen logo]] to be this [[an angular geometric design]] <i>by moving only two sticks</> [[Below the Stick Corner:]] CLASSIFIEDS Garden Hose. Price optional. Chinese food is hell of scrumptious. Come to Hot Taste Restaurant, and ask them for Thank You. I am the best waiter in that whole place. Thank You. [[At the bottom of the page:]] GUITAR TAB Learn the rockin' new song by Ed E. Haskell Standard tuning [[The tablature spells out "TITS"]] Vol. II No. IV {{alt text: Public institutions should not attempt fish dishes.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12092004

• Roast Beef's 'Zine

  [[Roast Beef is looking through a cardboard box.]] Beef: (thinking) Oh dang wow my old high school 'zine that I used to make [[He reads the 'zine]] LISTEN UP ACHEWOOD UNIFIED HIGH SCHOOL It's... THE PRIVATE EYE [[Next to the title is a clip art kitten wearing a pilgrim hat.]] your editor Ed E. Haskell [[The first column:]] Cod is Nasty by Ed E. Haskell Why do they serve us nasty old cod at lunch break. We asked lunch lady Doris Marsh why the fish is so nasty and she got pretty mad. She said that she worked a long day to feed us and her husband was in the army thirty years so we could live free <i>cont</i> [[A picture of a real cat with a black censor bar over its eyes has the caption:]] Guess which teacher hit his wife on the A-student field trip [[The second column:]] Supt. Clemens Has Fat Thighs Which is Unusual for a Man by Ed E. Haskell Men tend to store fat on the belly, but rebel fat-storer Supt. H. Clemens stores his fat on his rear and thighs while having a normal middle. When asked via phone if this was his way of supporting women's rights <i>cont</i> [[in a box in the third column]] STICK CORNER--rearrange this... [[The Van Halen logo]] to be this [[The Dead Kennedys logo]] <i>by moving only two sticks</> [[Below the Stick Corner:]] CLASSIFIEDS Garden Hose. Price optional. Chinese food is hell of scrumptious. Come to Hot Taste Restaurant, and ask them for Thank You. I am the best waiter in that whole place. Thank You. [[At the bottom of the page:]] GUITAR TAB Learn the rockin' new song by Ed E. Haskell Standard tuning [[The tablature spells out "TITS"]] Vol. II No. IV {{alt text: Public institutions should not attempt fish dishes.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12092004

• Achewood § July 23, 2009

  [[The first panel shows the J. Vincent J. Lemoni Public Arena. A large crowd has gathered outside. "Tonight: The New Kings Of Sapphic Erotica" is on the marquee]] [[Ray is handing the head of the the elephant costume to Teodor]] Ray: Okay, Chuck just checked in with wardrobe. Get this on, I got to be scarce. [[Teodor puts the head on]] Teodor: (Thinking) Wow. Chuck Williams. Peter to Julia's Jesus... this could be my big break! <<THONK>> [[Chuck enters the room with a cane, dressed in his elephant costume. Teodor extends his hand. He is carrying a book under his shoulder]] Subtitle: Soon. Teodor: Hi, Mr. Williams! It's an honor to meet you! While we're waiting, could you take a look at my cookbook manuscript? [[Chuck waves his cane in the air]] Chuck: Smuckles! I see you took the reserve portion of obliviousness which you withhold from your writing and focused it on these costumes! They lack ventilation. I am unhappy. [[Chuck puts his cane down again. Teodor stands, nonplussed, hand still extended]] <<THONK>> [[There is a pause during which Teodor slumps slightly, crestfallen]] Chuck: Oh, buck up, you worm. Show me how to microwave a bowl of pizza or cut hot dogs into cereal. Beats talking to you. [[Chuck is reading the book]] Subtitle: But. Chuck: I say, Smuckles! I applaud the balance you strike between the molecular frippery of "alginates" and the modernized approaches to Careme's mother sauces! Chuck: Why, this is the next Joy of Cooking if I'm a day! Mind your Ps and Qs tonight, young man, and I'll publish one hundred thousand copies! Teodor: You... you want me to throw the contest? Chuck: I need you to handicap yourself the way Seabiscuit needed a head start on a basset hound. [[Chuck puts his hand on Teodor's shoulder. Teodor fumes]] Chuck: Just try not to embarrass yourself to the point of federal intervention and we'll be fine. Teodor: (Thinking) You know what? Screw this old man. I'm gonna write his jive-talking ass into the ground tonight. <<THUMP!>>
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07232009

• Achewood - April 11, 2007

  [[Back at the Onstad residence, Ray enjoys a martini as he checks up on Roast Beef and T??odor's post-production work with the Rod Huggins footage.]] [[Caption: SOON THEREAFTER.]] Ray: Alright, guys! How's that compositin' goin'? You able to make some pretty hot scenes outta all that Rod footage? [[T??odor is seated at his desktop workstation with Roast Beef standing behind him and looking on as Ray joins them.]] T??odor: It's terrible. We don't have any idea what we're doing, and I don't think it would matter if we did. Roast Beef: We got no chops on this device Ray: Baloney! Show me show me. [[A close-up of T??odor's monitor is shown, displaying the video editing program. The playback has been paused on a frame depicts seven copied images of Ron Huggins taken from the footage and arranged in a pyramid formation on the motel bed.]] [[Ray looks on, vaugely unimpressed. Roast Beef and T??odor look slightly helpless.]] Ray: Huh. You got any other frames I can see? T??odor: Maybe some of our early experiments... [[Another frame in the video editor shows two duplicate images of Rod hunched over with his hands behind his back, seated on opposite corners of the bed.]] T??odor: (voiceover) "Cherub Standoff at the Gargoyle Corral..." [[A third frame depicts two images of Rod arranged so that one appears to be lying on its back while the other is balanced on the first one's hands. T??odor: (voiceover) "The Chinese Acrobats..." [[A fourth frame consists of two images of Rod arranged so that one is standing on the bed, his tongue sticking out and one arm outstretched, pushing away the image of Rod posing on his hands and knees, which has been turned sideways so that he appears to be kneeling.]] T??odor: (voiceover) "No, Father. The Family Business Dies With You. I am a Yale man now..." [[T??odor unpauses the playback. The kneeling image of Rod falls backwards and off of the bed, and "YOU WIN" is superimposed over the video.]] [[Ray looks on, unhappy.]] Ray: Huh. Yeah. This ain't goin' too good. Maybe we got to talk about things. {{Alt text: "Ray is focused. This is not sign-on-the-line gay porn."}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04112007