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T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for trying to explore THE VERY LIMITS OF MY OWN BODY.
T-Rex: By which I mean "examining instinctual responses", of course!
T-Rex: I find the idea of instincts interesting. What's it like having a drive to do something but not really understanding why? Have I ever felt an instinctive urge like that? / T-Rex: Well! I intend to find out, using the power of science coupled with the power of auto-experimentation!
Narrator: SOON: / Utahraptor: So, how's the experiment going? / T-Rex: TOTALLY SUCKY!
T-Rex: I can't figure out what I should be testing. What are some instincts people have? / Utahraptor: Oh, well, you could always put your favourite food in your mouth and try not to chew or swallow it. It's possible to do this, but the desire to eat it is strong. Tada! Instinct!
T-Rex: Ooh! OR, I could surround myself with attractive and sexually-available women and then try not to have the intercourse with them! / Utahraptor: That seems more like an excuse for group sex than actual science. / T-Rex: EXPERIMENT: APPROVED??
T-Rex: Whenever I think of the phrase "good to the last drop" I think of the friggin' Maxwell House Coffee. / T-Rex: I don't even drink coffee!
T-Rex: They have lexicalized the phrase AND associated it in my mind with their stupid branding!
T-Rex: And if someone says "can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp" NOT ONLY do I think of Sugar Crisp, I think of the jingle too! / Dromiceiomimus: Oh, actually, about that: they're rebranding it, T-Rex. It's now referred to as "Golden Crisp" in most major markets. / T-Rex: WHAT? They store a phrase in my sparkling mind and now they're abandoning it? I call FRIGGIN' SHENANIGANS on that!
Utahraptor: So what are you going to do? / T-Rex: Um, refer to it as "Sugar Crisp" till the day I die??
T-Rex: Except THEN I'll just be reinforcing their original branding. Okay, tell you what: I can't forget the slogans but I CAN substitute their brands with something I do want to remember, like intercourse! / Utahraptor: "Can't get enough of that intercourse"? / T-Rex: Exactly! "Silly rabbit! Intercourse is for kids." Wow!
T-Rex: That idea backfired incredibly quickly!
T-Rex: Some folks got opinions, you guys!
T-Rex: Some folks got opinions on what their genitals should be called, you guys!
T-Rex: BY WAY OF AN EXAMPLE, "vagina" comes from Latin, where it means "sheath" - as in something that goes around a sword! And some people are like, check it, MY vagina does tons more than the passive "sheath" implies, so let's call it something else! / Dromiceiomimus: "Check it"? / T-Rex: That's what some people are like, Dromiceiomimus!!
Utahraptor: But lots of the alternative names can be considered obscene, can't they? / T-Rex: Yep!
T-Rex: But they can also be entirely free from any quasi-insulting Latinate etymology the other words have. There's people trying to reclaim these currently-taboo words in the same way "queer" was! / Utahraptor: Neat! But largely irrelevant to us, as our reproduction is not through vaginal intercourse!
Utahraptor: AS YOU KNOW, we achieve intercourse through a cloacal kiss, the cloaca being of course our single shared intestinal, urinary, AND reproductive tract opening! / T-Rex: Yes, of course! *sigh* / T-Rex: It is extremely erotic
Narrator: COMICS FOR DUDES AND LESBIANS! / Narrator: today's comic: / Narrator: HOW TO GET A WOMAN TO LIKE YOU
T-Rex: Okay dudes and lesbians! Getting a woman to like you is easy!
T-Rex: There are plenty of websites, magazine articles and body spray ads that will reassure you that women are just conquests without agency and that they won't have sex with you unless you suggest it to them first. My advice is DIFFERENT. My advice is rooted in reality and allows for women actually wanting the intercourse sometimes!
Utahraptor: Okay, so let's hear it! / T-Rex: The advice?
Utahraptor: Yeah. Let's hear this modern, sexually enlightened advice that applies to both lesbians AND dudes. / T-Rex: WELL, for that you'll have to buy my book, "Dudes! Lesbians! Guess What? Here is How to Get Women to Like You". But since we're friends, I'll give you a sneak peek!
T-Rex: CHAPTER 3: At The Bar.There are sometimes lots of women at the bar. If you want to talk to one, then maybe she will want to talk to you! Then you can become her favourite dude or lesbian." / Off-panel: That's not very helpf- / T-Tex: "Intercourse ensues!"
T-Rex: "On The Menu, by T-Rex.". Ahem. "As Amelia and Antonio Tony who are the two members of the wait staff in this story took off their clothes, they realized that sexual intercourse was probably 'On The Menu' tonight!"
T-Rex: "'Excellent!' they said, in unison!"
T-Rex: "Well, almost in unison. Antonio Tony, the man, was a little slow on that. It was because he was thinking of his taxes. '10 thousand dollars in taxes!', he though, 'That is a lot of money. Where am I going to find that money?' Then Tony and Amelia had sexual relations." / T-Rex: "The sexual intercourse was cut short because Tony kept muttering 'Where am I gonna find the 10 thousand dollars though?'"
Utahraptor: What are you reciting, T-Rex? / T-Rex: My new book!
T-Rex: It's called "On the menu: Sexy stories for People with Problems" and in all the stories the sex gets derailed because the people are worried about their Problems. The cover looks like a menu because it ties in well with the title. Now, if you'll allow me to continue? / Utahraptor: Of course!
T-Rex: "One day a couple was having sex but their car window was broken. The man thought a kid broke it. Instead of sex they wondered how it happened. I, the narrator, was the one who did it! They never found out, and I won the lottery! The end!!" / T-Rex: Okay even I think that one's not so good.
Narrator: COMPRESSED PORNOGRAPHY COMICS / T-Rex: Oh oh. . .
T-Rex: Cover your eyes!
T-Rex: Alright, I'm a plumber come to "fix your pipes" but you have no money! Also you're Asian. / Dromiceiomimus: Is there no way I can pay you? / T-Rex: Perhaps through... sexual intercourse?
Narrator: LATER. . . / T-Rex: Whew! / T-Rex: That was graphic! / Utahraptor: Can I borrow a cup of sugar?
T-Rex: Wait... why do you need sugar? / Utahraptor: It's a pretense for a scene of cooking-themed sex. / T-Rex: Oh my goodness!
Narrator: LATER. . . / T-Rex: Is this the face of exploitation?
T-Rex: I have faith in random developments of chance of a potentially divine nature. From where do you hail?
T-Rex: You attractive individual!
T-Rex: I have faith in what may appear to be miraculous occurrences, Since you entered my immediate locale, / T-Rex: You attractive individual.
Utahraptor: Where is your place of origin, youngster? By what means were you cognizant of my need for you?
Utahraptor: How were you aware of the extreme extent of my desire? How were you aware that I would offer my affections without hesitation? / T-Rex: During the previous diurnal cycle, I counted myself among the ranks of the lonely! Now you're lying in quite close proximity.
T-Rex: Engaging in intercourse!
T-Rex: New bike day is when everybody gets new bikes!
Narrator: NEW BIKE DAY / T-Rex: Woo! New bike day!
T-Rex: And then, after we all get the new bikes, do you know what happens? / Dromiceiomimus: What happens? / T-Rex: What happens is we all receive gold medals for having such nice bikes!
Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Now, we DEFINITELY have to name our bikes. / Utahraptor: I've got my name picked out!
Utahraptor: My bike will be called "Susan". / T-Rex: My bike will be called "Sexual Intercourse: The Bike"! / Utahraptor: MAN. That's a good name too.
Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Guys, guys - our gold medals are made of solid and delicious CHOCOLATE!! I'm SO GLAD new bike day truly exists here, in the real world. / T-Rex: Let's hear it for reality, huh?
T-Rex: There are not enough internet acronyms. If I want to speak entirely in internet acronyms like LOL and ROFL -
T-Rex: - WHICH I DO -
T-Rex: - then my emotions are limited only to the crudest of feelings! I can laugh out loud or I can roll on (the) floor laughing, but what if I'm chuckling? What if I have a condescending smirk that fades into a distant smile of recognition? What if I want to communicate the nostalgia you have for an old girlfriend when you're dating someone who's way better, but you still miss her sometimes? IS THERE AN ACRONYM FOR THAT, INTERNET??
Utahraptor: "IMMOGBNR" / T-Rex: Immogebeaner?
Utahraptor: Yep! Stands for "I Miss My Old Girlfriend, But Not Really" Used all the time / T-Rex: Huh! Is there one for, like, groups of people who draw pictures of kinky sex? / Utahraptor: Sure! "We Illustrate Kinks Involving Phallocentric Europhia During Intercourse. Awesome."
T-Rex: WIKIPEDIA! Oh my God! has it stood for that all along? / Utahraptor: It's the Secret Mission of Wikipedia! Don't tell anyone, okay? / T-Rex: Hah! Awesome! / T-Rex: ...Why didn't they just say so?
I was working on this comic back during SDCC and Chris "Dr. McNinja" Hastings offered to help me with it, so I read him the first three panels and he stared at me and said "I think you've got your own thing going, buddy" and we never spoke of it again
T-Rex: Two people decide that they've got some genitals they're not using right now, and that THIS, my friend, is kind of a waste!
Narrator: SEX AS SHE IS PLAYED
T-Rex: So they agree that it's time to sex, and then they go away and we all wonder what's going on! But not for too long because one comes out and says "We're gonna 'do it'" and we all go "Ohhhhh" and then they come back again and say "That means we're gonna have sexual intercourse" and the last person goes "OHHHHH." He's the slow one. / Dromeciomimus: OHHHHH.
Utahraptor: Then what happens? / T-Rex: Then we cheat! WE CHEAT BIOLOGY ITSELF.
T-Rex: Millions of years of evolution made sex feel amazing and be super hot so we'd do it all the time and make babies! But we use birth control and have awesome fun times WITHOUT a lifetime of parental responsibility. Take that, evolution! Take that, biology! Take that, ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES!!
T-Rex: I'd now like to address my body directly from a moment. Thanks for teaming up with science and being SO AWESOME, my body. Seriously: thanks bro. / Off-screen: *ahem* / T-Rex: Some thanks go out to the bodies of everyone else too I GUESS
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