Abe Lincoln: You know what, I need a new look. I'm gonna shave my beard!
Abe Lincoln: Ah!!! Zombie Mark Twain: Whoa! You had a huge butt chin hiding under there this whole time!
Abe Lincoln: No I didn't! There are tons of pictures of me before I had a beard and I never had no chin like this! Zombie Mark Twain: Well you sure as shingles got one now! Maybe instead of shaving your beard hairs off, you accidentally shaved a huge butt chin on.
Abe Lincoln: That's an interesting theory, but, um, I think a whale just beached itself on my face.
[[A dusty hair ball rolls around]]
Lincoln: Man where do these gross little balls of dust and hair that tumble around the house come from? Zombie Mark Twain: You mean you don't know? Man, it's the rogue puppies!
Lincoln: Rogue... puppies. It looks an awful lot like your hair if you ask me. Zombie Mark Twain: No, man! It's puppies that have gone rogue. They sneak into your house and just shed all over. They were originally part of a secret government program, but they escaped!
[[Rogue Puppy pictured behind a green sofa, accesorized with a cigar and eye patch.]]
Lincoln: Is there anything sadder than unrequited love?
Lincoln: Probably! But it is still heckly sad my friends. Zombie Mark Twain: I don't know, it's kinda hard to say. There are more intense kinds of sadness, but unrequited love is often deep and abiding and can be hard to shake because it tends to be an ongoing thing.
Lincoln: Let's go ask Dr. Love! I bed he'd know!
Shortly:
/ Lincoln: Helloooo! Dr Loooooove! Open the doooor!
Dr. Love: WHAOW! You fellas skedaddle! The Dr. is IN SESSION, ya dig? The dr. is naked as the newborn snow in here, if you catch my drift baaay-bay!
Lincoln: Uh... I don't think he's home.
/ Zombie Mark Twain: Yeah, let's go with that.
Earhart: It sure is a nice day here at Niagara Falls, isn't it, Zombie Samuel Clemens?
/ Clemens: It sure is, Amelia Earhart!
Earhart: Oh no! Some retarded boy just jumped over the edge! What are we going to do!
Clemens: I, uh--are you hungry? I'm gonna go get some hotdogs.
Earhart: Um, what? Hot dogs at a time like this?
Earhart: Oh my gosh! Superman is saving that retarded boy! Hooray!
Clemens: I heard there was trouble! I, Zombie Mark Twain, am here to help! I - oh, I guess Superman took care of it. Stupid Superman. People always just expect me to use my super powers to say something cleverly sardonic about the situation. I swear, most people don't even know I can fly, or that I can heal by sprinkling my armpit dandruff on the sick or wounded.
[[Caption reads: DAY 3. Lincoln is wearing an Elvis wig.]]
/ Lincoln: Hey ladies, what's happening. Zombie Mark Twain: I don't think there are any ladies around. But, uh, your hair's looking pretty cool there. You get it cut or something?
Lincoln: Nah man, I'm just wearing a sweet wig! Zombie Mark Twain: A wig? I thought those were for weirdos and cancer patients.
Lincoln: Yeah, no, that's the thing, dude! I'm bringin' 'em back. I'm making wigs cool again.
William Henry Harrison: Did somebody say Whigs are cool again?
/ Lincoln [[petulantly]]: Get out of here William Henry Harrison!!!!
Abe Lincoln: Man, if I was a caterpillar I'd be hella pissed when I found out I have to turn into a dumb butterfly at some point in life. Zombie Mark Twain: What! You're nuts! The adult butterfly is universally better looking and better at being able to fly than any caterpillar ever conceived.
Abe Lincoln: Flight, schmight! You know how many things a butterfly can kick at once? Zombie Mark Twain: Uh, well I guess about six, tops.
Abe Lincoln: PATHETIC.
Abe Lincoln: While your pretty boy butterfly is out there trying feebly to kick six things at once, you know what a caterpillar is doing? A caterpillar is out there riding three tiny tandem bikes and kicking whatever he wants
{{What do you mean caterpillars actually only have 6 real legs and the rest are all some kind of psedo-legs? MY LIFE IS A SHAM }}
Lincoln: Man, people in medieval times were so dumb! Come on, medieval people, smarten up! Zombie Mark Twain: Well, statistically it is true that people in general are smarter today than they used to be...
Lincoln: Well, OBVIOUSLY. If they were as smart as me, they'd have stopped putting plain old rocks in their catapults and started putting in nasty stuff like scorpions or really gross old milk. Zombie Mark Twain: I could kinda see sticking a buncha scorpions in a catapult and launching them at some dudes, I guess, thought I don't think it would be real practical. I mean, where are you going to get all those scorpions, and besides the dudes are wearing armor so mostly it would be a waste. But gross old milk as a weapon of siege warfare? What?
[[Lincoln is drinking greenish milk from a carton; then he spits it out with a sour look on his face]]
/ Caption: EARLIER
Lincoln [[thought bubble]]: At least this isn't as bad as that time I accidentally drank that carton of scorpions.
George Washington: Man, I sure could maybe go for a coffee about now.
Abe Lincoln: JAVA TEAM ALPHA, ASSEMBLE!
Abe Lincoln: COFFEE!
Punxsutawney Phil: CREAM! Zombie Mark Twain: SUGAR!
Queen Elizabeth II: STEAM!
Abe Lincoln: We must only use our powers for good.
Ugh. There is just not enough time in the day! There's all this awesome stuff I want to do but I just don't have the time!
Maybe you should just stop sleeping. Or learn to function on, say, 3 hours of sleep a night.
I can't do that! I'd probably die!
No one ever died from lack of sleep, Lincoln.
No way! Lack of sleep is totally what um... Mark Twain died of!
/ Isn't that right, Zombie Mark Twain?
True story!
Yo! Lincoln!
/ Oh hey, Zombie Mark Twain, what's going on?
/ I hear you've been traipsing around, making up nonsense and calling it statistics!
Oh crap! I forgot you were that guy who said that there were three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics! Please don't eat my brain or anything!
Chill, dude. I actually didn't say that! Well, I said it, but I attributed it to Disraeli. Plus, I already had my fill of brains for today.
Anyway! I'm all about lies, dude. I didn't come to stop you, I came to high-five you!
Oh, ok! Sweet! Hey, wanna go pull some more jinx of the hi variety?
Hey Queen, did you know that studies have shown that over 80% of the royality of Europe eat their own boogers?
/ It's true! I read it in a book.
