Tallahassee: Jeffrey, come over and look at my kitty cats!!
Jeffrey: Aww, that's so cute how they runaround like wild maniacs and fuck up your furniture and shit all over the place.
Jeffrey: My can Joanna is a motionless zombie but sometimes THAT'S even too much for me to handle.
Jeffrey: That's why I also have a puppet!
/ Puppet: Can I get you a beer, Jeffrey?
/ Jeffrey: You sure can Puffy. You sure can.
{{caption under comic}} Cats: Nature's raccoons
/ {{title text}} Sometimes Puffy throws up in the hot tub but you gotta take the good with the bad.
Jeffrey: Everything would be so perfect if everyone had the same opinions about everything as I did, wouldn't it Joanna?
Tallahassee: Ooh look at me. I'm Jeffrey Rowland and I'm weird and I talk to my zombie cat to try to validate all of my stupid opinions!
Jeffrey: Ooh look at me, I'm Tallahassee Econolodge and I do a perfect impersonation of Jeffrey Rowland!
[[ Jeffrey is giving a presentation to Weedmaster P. He is dressed in a Ghostbusters uniform and is showing a slide with an image of a rubber ducky flanked by the words "INTRO" and "SHUN" (intro-duck-shun - get it?). Weedmaster P is raising his hand. ]]
/ Narrator: HUNTING THE GHOST BIGFOOT...
/ Jeffrey: Finding Ghost Bigfoot is hard. This is because he's scary like a ghost but also good at hiding like a typical alive Bigfoot...
/ Weedmaster P: I HAVE A QUESTION
[[ Weedmaster P is sitting in a school desk/chair. Jeffrey is holding a remote control. ]]
/ Weedmaster P: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS BECAUSE IN NO WAY AM I GOING TO HELP YOU
/ Jeffrey: Do you have any idea how powerful you feel when you wear a uniform and talk in front of a Power Point?
/ Jeffrey: That's why they call it Power Point.
/ Jeffrey: Next slide.
[[ Jeffrey refers to a slide titled "GHOST BIGFOOT" with a drawing of Ghost Bigfoot and a bulleted list of words: SCARY; HIDING; LARGE FEET; ZOMBIE?; POWERFUL; STOLE KITTY ]]
/ Jeffrey: Now as you know my Zombie Kitty Joanna was stole by Ghost Bigfoot and I'm going to the Mysterious Forest to get her back!
[[ Ghost Bigfoot sits in his cave, with Joanna cradled on his lap. A sign on the wall reads "HOME SWEET CAVE" ]]
/ Narrator: THE LAIR OF GHOST BIGFOOT...
/ Ghost Bigfoot: Ghost Bigfoot am so lucky to meet friend that understand what Ghost Bigfoot go through on daily basis
[[ Jeffrey kicks down the door at Ghost Bigfoot's cave ]]
/ Jeffrey: Hi YA!
/ << BAM >>
[[ Jeffrey holds his proton gun ]]
/ Jeffrey: As soon as this proton pack gets charged up you're toast, ghost!
/ << HUMMMMMMMMMMMM >>
[[ Joanna falls face first on the ground, presumably dropped by Ghost Bigfoot ]]
/ << PLOP >>
[[ Joanna recovers from her fall, raising her head and shaking it ]]
/ Joanna: No.
Baby: Jeffrey, it's a ransom scroll for Joanna from Vampicorn!
/ Jeff: She's dead, isn't she?
/ Baby: Yes... but she is a zombie, remember?
/ Jeff: Yes.
Baby: It's written in an obscure dialect but it looks like he's willing to give Joanna back if we give him our dreams.
Jeff: I don't have dreams anymore. Only nightmares.
/ Weedmaster P: I HAVE THIS ONE NIGHTMARE WHERE I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND JESUS IS LOOKING AT ME AND HE SCREAMS AT ME FOR HOURS AND I CAN'T CLOSE MY EYES
/ Jeff: Sleeping is horrible.
Jeffrey: Augh! My anxiety's actin' up! Stay away from me!
/ Baby: Maybe you oughta see a doctor about yer anxiety!
Jeffrey: No way! They'll just give me some drug that'll turn me into a zombie that the government can track!
/ Tallahassee: Maybe you should go see a doctor about your anxiety and insane paranoia!
Jeffrey: Well maybe if everything wasn't so terrifying and about to fall apart and everybody didn't secretly hate me I wouldn't have anxiety and paranoia!
Maybe if HAARP didn't cause earthquakes I would trust the New World Order
Jeffrey: Hey J.C. How's it goin'
/ J.C.: I'm bumed, Jeffrey. My birthday's coming up in a couple days and everybody's acting like jerks again.
/ Jeffrey: How old you gonna be?
/ J.C.: Two-thousand something. I lost track.
J.C.: Anyway, all I want for my birthday is for everybody to just act chill and be _nice_ for one day. Just one day. Be cool.
/ Jeffrey: Two thousand?
J.C.: But everybody's all stressed out and drinking too much and yelling at store workers and -
/ Jeffrey: So what are you, like a vampire?
/ J.C.: More like a Highlander, except I'm a ghost, too.
/ Jeffrey: Wow.
{{tag: This is because everybody is accidentally celebrating Mithras' birthday on Saturnalia}}
/ {{roll-over text: Like a Highlander Wolfman Space Zombie Shepherd who has every dog that ever died.}}
Jeff: Hey Joanna, we're goin' out for hot dog meat and tequila worms. Be a good zombie kitty!
[[Joanna picks up Die Hard DVD]]
[[Joanna turns the volume up all the way]]
[[Joanna walks away from the TV]]
[[Joanna picks up a phone]]
Phone screen: CALLING 911... ARE YOU SERIOUS
[[Joanna walks away with a bottle of liquor and the phone on the ground next to the TV, leaving the caring 911 operator to futilely give instructions to no one at all]]
/ 911 Operator: HANG IN THERE
{{This only works because my address is in Nakatomi Plaza.}}
Two Days Later
/ Nepal
/ [[Jeffrey is dragging Joanna across the snow]]
/ [[He reaches a dark imposing temple]]
/ [[Red eyes shine out in the darkness]]
/ Demon: Who dares disturb me on Tuesday afternoon?
/ Jeffrey: It is I, Jeffrey Rowland! The Pope believes my zombie kitty is the Anti-Christ.
/ Demon: This creatue is not of this earth, is she a deadle?
/ Jeffrey: Man I don't know about all that but aside from the drinking she's deader than rap-rock...
/ Demon: Well we wouldn't want anyone to think the Pope was fallible...
{{Comment: Fortunately it only takes a day and a half to get from JFK to rural Nepal}}
Jeffrey: Jesus and Mohammed and Ganesh and Xenu, hear my prayer!
Jeffrey: I accidentally squished my zombie kitty! I command you to make her be okay again!
Jesus's phone: rrrring
/ Mohammed's phone: rrriing
/ Ganesh's phone: beep beep beep
/ Xenu's phone: rriing
Xenu: This looks like a job for Lord Xenu!
Xenu: This must be the place...
Xenu: God, it was so much easier just giving L. Ron Hubbard a hundred dollars...
[[Three Days Later]]
/ [[A green-eyeshaded IRS agent is standing next to Jeffrey's file cabinets.]]
/ Agent: I'm not even sure what the complaint was about, Mr. Rowland... you have one of the most legitimate businesses I've ever seen!
/ Jeffrey: Heh, just don't tell nobody, okay? I kinda got a... reputation.
Weedmaster P (whispering, from hiding): Are they gone
/ Jeffrey: They're gone, Weedmaster P.
Weedmaster P: What the hell man your cat is a NARC what in the HELL even
/ Jeffrey: Relax
/ Weedmaster P: RELAX but what in the dicks are we gonna DO man like 90% of the shit we do is ILLEGAL
/ Jeffrey: I will deal with the situation appropriately.
[[In a desolate room of Topatoco, Jeffrey confronts Joanna toweringly. The door to the room slams shut.]]
{{Title text: The IRS agent is loosely based on my accountant the 941st Reich}}
/ {{Bottom text: I am going to deal with my narc zombie cat in the most appropriate way I know how}}
