http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner The latest transcribed The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus comics, powered by OhNoRobot.com en-us Sun, 19 Apr 2009 21:01:58 -0000 60 http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/08/07/mr-shoulders-wakes-from-an-unsatisfactory-sleep/ http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/08/07/mr-shoulders-wakes-from-an-unsatisfactory-sleep/ Wed, 13 Aug 2008 00:24:46 -0000 <a href="http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/08/07/mr-shoulders-wakes-from-an-unsatisfactory-sleep/">The Adventures of Lil Gardner & Robot Jesus » Archive » Mr. Shoulders wakes from an unsatisfactory sleep</a><br> <br> Lil' Gardner: Hello? <br \> <br \> Lil' Gardner: Mr. Shoulders? <br \> <br \> Mr. Shoulders: Mmnnrrrzz... <br \> Mr. Shoulders: Who's there? <br \> [[Brittle Bones]] <br \> [[starring Diamond Jade & Martinique St. Cox The Adventures of Lil Gardner & Robot Jesus » Archive » Mr. Shoulders wakes from an unsatisfactory sleep

Lil' Gardner: Hello?

Lil' Gardner: Mr. Shoulders?

Mr. Shoulders: Mmnnrrrzz...
Mr. Shoulders: Who's there?
[[Brittle Bones]]
[[starring Diamond Jade & Martinique St. Cox]]> http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/08/07/mr-shoulders-wakes-from-an-unsatisfactory-sleep/ http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/08/07/mr-shoulders-wakes-from-an-unsatisfactory-sleep/ Wed, 13 Aug 2008 00:24:46 -0000 <a href="http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/08/07/mr-shoulders-wakes-from-an-unsatisfactory-sleep/">The Adventures of Lil Gardner & Robot Jesus » Archive » Mr. Shoulders wakes from an unsatisfactory sleep</a><br> <br> Lil' Gardner: Hello? <br \> <br \> Lil' Gardner: Mr. Shoulders? <br \> <br \> Mr. Shoulders: Mmnnrrrzz... <br \> Mr. Shoulders: Who's there? <br \> [[Brittle Bones]] <br \> [[starring Diamond Jade & Martinique St. Cox The Adventures of Lil Gardner & Robot Jesus » Archive » Mr. Shoulders wakes from an unsatisfactory sleep

Lil' Gardner: Hello?

Lil' Gardner: Mr. Shoulders?

Mr. Shoulders: Mmnnrrrzz...
Mr. Shoulders: Who's there?
[[Brittle Bones]]
[[starring Diamond Jade & Martinique St. Cox]]> http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/08/04/you-do-not-want-to-see-those-videos/ http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/08/04/you-do-not-want-to-see-those-videos/ Wed, 13 Aug 2008 00:23:05 -0000 <a href="http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/08/04/you-do-not-want-to-see-those-videos/">The Adventures of Lil Gardner & Robot Jesus » Archive » You do not want to see those videos</a><br> <br> Caption: Earlier, in downtown LA... <br \> [[MR. SHOULDERS]] <br \> [[ELECTRONICS*PASSPORT PHOTO*HOMEMADE PEANUT BRITTLE*VIDEO FOR ADULT]] <br \> [[WE FIX YOU IPOD GOOD]] <br \> [[YES GIRL USE PEANUT BRITTLE IN VIDEO BY POPULAR REQUEST]] The Adventures of Lil Gardner & Robot Jesus » Archive » You do not want to see those videos

Caption: Earlier, in downtown LA...
[[MR. SHOULDERS]]
[[ELECTRONICS*PASSPORT PHOTO*HOMEMADE PEANUT BRITTLE*VIDEO FOR ADULT]]
[[WE FIX YOU IPOD GOOD]]
[[YES GIRL USE PEANUT BRITTLE IN VIDEO BY POPULAR REQUEST]]]]> http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/06/01/the-italian-job/ http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/06/01/the-italian-job/ Sun, 01 Jun 2008 09:03:22 -0000 <a href="http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/06/01/the-italian-job/">The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus » Archive » The Italian Job</a><br> <br> Caption: We take a break from our epic adventure to to present a reenactment of "The Italian Job starring Lil' Gardner and Robot Jesus, with Lil' Gardner from July 2002 as Edward Norton <br \> <br \> Lil' Gardner: I'm Mark Wahlberg. I'm the hero, apparently. <br \> <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: I'm Edward Norton, I'm the villain, because I have a mustache. <br \> <br \> Robot Jesus: I'm a Mini Cooper, the cutest car in the world. Please buy me! The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus » Archive » The Italian Job

Caption: We take a break from our epic adventure to to present a reenactment of "The Italian Job starring Lil' Gardner and Robot Jesus, with Lil' Gardner from July 2002 as Edward Norton

Lil' Gardner: I'm Mark Wahlberg. I'm the hero, apparently.

Lil' Gardner 2002: I'm Edward Norton, I'm the villain, because I have a mustache.

Robot Jesus: I'm a Mini Cooper, the cutest car in the world. Please buy me!]]> http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/04/01/call-off-the-riaa-i-did-buy-the-album/ http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/04/01/call-off-the-riaa-i-did-buy-the-album/ Wed, 02 Apr 2008 07:51:20 -0000 <a href="http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/04/01/call-off-the-riaa-i-did-buy-the-album/">The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: Call off the RIAA--I did buy the album</a><br> <br> The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair: Boooooooo! I'm the ghost of Michael Stipe's hair. Journey with me into the far reaches of history! <br \> <br \> The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "1994: You drive aimlessly with your learner's permit, hoping to hear 'What's the Frequency, Kenneth?' on the radio." <br \> Michael Stipe (radio): ...Kenneth is your Benzedrine, uh huh... <br \> Off-Panel Adult: Ten and two! Ten and two! <br \> Lil' Gardner 1994 (thought): What's Benzedrine? <br \> <br \> The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "Also on 99X that year: a song called 'Delivery' by the Irish band Compulsion." <br \> Off-Panel Adult: Jesus Christ keep your eyes on the road <br \> Josephmary (radio): ...world didn't want to take the baby from the girl... <br \> Lil' Gardner 1994 (thought): This sounds just like Nirvana! <br \> <br \> The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "2007: Compulsion's guitarist grew up to be Jacknife Lee, our new producer." <br \> Jacknife Lee: Faith and begorrah! 'Tis a fine album we've made, boyos! <br \> <br \> The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "2008: Sitting in traffic on the 101, you listen to a leaked copy of Accelerate on your cell phone." <br \> <<Honk! Honk!>> <br \> Other Driver: Watch where you're driving, asshole! <br \> Michael Stipe (radio): ...humiliation of your teenage station... <br \> Lil' Gardner (thought): This sounds just like R.E.M.! <br \> <br \> The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair: Do you like it because it's good, or because it reminds you of what you used to love? Or both? Is it just a cynical marketing ploy? "R.E.M.'s back, baby!" Would it matter if it was? <br \> <br \> The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "Can anything, no matter how good, ever be like this again?**" <br \> Michael Stipe (Walkman): ...What did you think when you lost another? <br \> Lil' Gardner 1993 (thought): Oh my god <br \> <br \> The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "Is that a reason to stop trying?" <br \> Lil' Gardner: I said F-sharp, damn it! <br \> Lil' Gardner 1994: Listen man, just because I know what a Nudie suit is doesn't mean I can play bass like Mike Mills. And who told you to bring a synthesizer to the R.E.M. tribute anyway <br \> <<Bleep bloop>> <br \> <<Plong plong>> <br \> <br \> Caption: *Irish record producer (artist's conception) <br \> **Nerd camp, University of Virginia, 1993 The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: Call off the RIAA--I did buy the album

The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair: Boooooooo! I'm the ghost of Michael Stipe's hair. Journey with me into the far reaches of history!

The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "1994: You drive aimlessly with your learner's permit, hoping to hear 'What's the Frequency, Kenneth?' on the radio."
Michael Stipe (radio): ...Kenneth is your Benzedrine, uh huh...
Off-Panel Adult: Ten and two! Ten and two!
Lil' Gardner 1994 (thought): What's Benzedrine?

The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "Also on 99X that year: a song called 'Delivery' by the Irish band Compulsion."
Off-Panel Adult: Jesus Christ keep your eyes on the road
Josephmary (radio): ...world didn't want to take the baby from the girl...
Lil' Gardner 1994 (thought): This sounds just like Nirvana!

The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "2007: Compulsion's guitarist grew up to be Jacknife Lee, our new producer."
Jacknife Lee: Faith and begorrah! 'Tis a fine album we've made, boyos!

The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "2008: Sitting in traffic on the 101, you listen to a leaked copy of Accelerate on your cell phone."
<>
Other Driver: Watch where you're driving, asshole!
Michael Stipe (radio): ...humiliation of your teenage station...
Lil' Gardner (thought): This sounds just like R.E.M.!

The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair: Do you like it because it's good, or because it reminds you of what you used to love? Or both? Is it just a cynical marketing ploy? "R.E.M.'s back, baby!" Would it matter if it was?

The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "Can anything, no matter how good, ever be like this again?**"
Michael Stipe (Walkman): ...What did you think when you lost another?
Lil' Gardner 1993 (thought): Oh my god

The Ghost of Michael Stipe's Hair (caption): "Is that a reason to stop trying?"
Lil' Gardner: I said F-sharp, damn it!
Lil' Gardner 1994: Listen man, just because I know what a Nudie suit is doesn't mean I can play bass like Mike Mills. And who told you to bring a synthesizer to the R.E.M. tribute anyway
<>
<>

Caption: *Irish record producer (artist's conception)
**Nerd camp, University of Virginia, 1993]]> http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/05/29/like-back-to-the-future-but-fatter/ http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/05/29/like-back-to-the-future-but-fatter/ Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:16:31 -0000 <a href="http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/05/29/like-back-to-the-future-but-fatter/">The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: Like Back to the Future, but Fatter</a><br> <br> Caption: Presenting: Part one of an epic adventure spanning all space and time! Hooray! <br \> <br \> Lil' Gardner: I am bored. <br \> Robot Jesus: Though I do not understand your human concept of boredom, I will simulate a degree of sympathy. <br \> Lil' Gardner: Word up. <br \> <br \> Caption: Suddenly! <br \> Lil' Gardner: Wow, Robot Jesus! Look at that professional-quality sound effect! <br \> Robot Jesus: It can only mean one thing: Time travel is afoot! <br \> <<Zap!>> <br \> <br \> Caption: And lo... <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: What's up, guys? Is there a Taco Bell anywhere around here? <br \> Lil' Gardner: Oh my god, it's hideous! What is it? <br \> <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: I am Lil' Gardner from the past--from July 2002, to be exact! I bring you an urgent message, and a dire warning! <br \> <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: But first, seriously: where's the goddamn Taco Bell? <br \> Lil' Gardner: You're not exactly "Lil'," are you, Tubby? The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: Like Back to the Future, but Fatter

Caption: Presenting: Part one of an epic adventure spanning all space and time! Hooray!

Lil' Gardner: I am bored.
Robot Jesus: Though I do not understand your human concept of boredom, I will simulate a degree of sympathy.
Lil' Gardner: Word up.

Caption: Suddenly!
Lil' Gardner: Wow, Robot Jesus! Look at that professional-quality sound effect!
Robot Jesus: It can only mean one thing: Time travel is afoot!
<>

Caption: And lo...
Lil' Gardner 2002: What's up, guys? Is there a Taco Bell anywhere around here?
Lil' Gardner: Oh my god, it's hideous! What is it?

Lil' Gardner 2002: I am Lil' Gardner from the past--from July 2002, to be exact! I bring you an urgent message, and a dire warning!

Lil' Gardner 2002: But first, seriously: where's the goddamn Taco Bell?
Lil' Gardner: You're not exactly "Lil'," are you, Tubby?]]> http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/05/26/roundhead/ http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/05/26/roundhead/ Tue, 01 Apr 2008 07:59:26 -0000 <a href="http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/05/26/roundhead/">The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: In the Beginning I Did Not Understand How to Resize an Image</a><br> <br> Robot Jesus: Lil' Gardner, you look different today. Is your head rounder? <br \> <br \> Lil' Gardner: I think it is. What does this mean? Am I merely a fictional character, just ink on paper, subject to the capricious whims of an omnipotent, godlike artist? <br \> <br \> Robot Jesus: If so, he still can't draw for shit. <br \> Robot Jesus: I bet he's really fat, too. The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: In the Beginning I Did Not Understand How to Resize an Image

Robot Jesus: Lil' Gardner, you look different today. Is your head rounder?

Lil' Gardner: I think it is. What does this mean? Am I merely a fictional character, just ink on paper, subject to the capricious whims of an omnipotent, godlike artist?

Robot Jesus: If so, he still can't draw for shit.
Robot Jesus: I bet he's really fat, too.]]> http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/05/25/kind-of-like-the-velvet-underground-nico-of-comic-strips/ http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/05/25/kind-of-like-the-velvet-underground-nico-of-comic-strips/ Tue, 01 Apr 2008 07:59:24 -0000 <a href="http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2003/05/25/kind-of-like-the-velvet-underground-nico-of-comic-strips/">The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: Kind of Like the Velvet Underground & Nico of Comic Strips</a><br> <br> Lil' Gardner: Robot Jesus, have you been listening to KROQ's "Rock of the Nineties" weekend? <br \> Lil' Gardner: It's been great hearing all those old songs from when I was in high school. <br \> Lil' Gardner: Even the stuff I never really liked becomes good and important simply because it was part of my adolescence, you know? <br \> Robot Jesus: Since I am both a robot from the future and a deity at one with all time and space, I do not understand your human concept of nostalgia. <br \> Robot Jesus: Plus, 311 sucks. The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: Kind of Like the Velvet Underground & Nico of Comic Strips

Lil' Gardner: Robot Jesus, have you been listening to KROQ's "Rock of the Nineties" weekend?
Lil' Gardner: It's been great hearing all those old songs from when I was in high school.
Lil' Gardner: Even the stuff I never really liked becomes good and important simply because it was part of my adolescence, you know?
Robot Jesus: Since I am both a robot from the future and a deity at one with all time and space, I do not understand your human concept of nostalgia.
Robot Jesus: Plus, 311 sucks.]]> http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2005/03/22/ask-lil-gardner-robot-jesus-pt-1/ http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2005/03/22/ask-lil-gardner-robot-jesus-pt-1/ Sat, 29 Mar 2008 07:22:19 -0000 <a href="http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2005/03/22/ask-lil-gardner-robot-jesus-pt-1/">The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: Ask Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus, Pt. 1</a><br> <br> Caption: Chris asks whether, in the event of an alien invasion, Robot Jesus would choose the side of the attackers or the earth-born defenders. <br \> <br \> Robot Jesus: Look, the aliens are finally attacking Earth. <br \> Lil' Gardner: Whose side are you going to be on? <br \> <br \> Robot Jesus: What does it matter? I've seen enough movies to know that in a situation like this, your decisions only make a difference if you look like Tom Cruise and have relationship problems that can only be solved by the shared trauma of an alien invasion. <br \> <br \> Robot Jesus: I do not meet those criteria. <br \> Lil' Gardner: But don't you see? You do matter, because you're the star of this comic strip! <br \> <br \> Robot Jesus: Oh yeah. Die, fleshwad! The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: Ask Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus, Pt. 1

Caption: Chris asks whether, in the event of an alien invasion, Robot Jesus would choose the side of the attackers or the earth-born defenders.

Robot Jesus: Look, the aliens are finally attacking Earth.
Lil' Gardner: Whose side are you going to be on?

Robot Jesus: What does it matter? I've seen enough movies to know that in a situation like this, your decisions only make a difference if you look like Tom Cruise and have relationship problems that can only be solved by the shared trauma of an alien invasion.

Robot Jesus: I do not meet those criteria.
Lil' Gardner: But don't you see? You do matter, because you're the star of this comic strip!

Robot Jesus: Oh yeah. Die, fleshwad!]]> http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/03/28/you-dont-have-to-feel-uncomfortable-this-isnt-autobiography/ http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/03/28/you-dont-have-to-feel-uncomfortable-this-isnt-autobiography/ Fri, 28 Mar 2008 08:50:14 -0000 <a href="http://gardnerlinn.com/lilgardner/2008/03/28/you-dont-have-to-feel-uncomfortable-this-isnt-autobiography/">The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: You don't have to feel uncomfortable--this isn't autobiography</a><br> <br> Lil' Gardner: So why don't you consider what you and Angry Magic Duck had to be a relationship? <br \> Robot Jesus: Well, I mean, if you found a couple of corndogs in the dumpster behind the 7-11, you wouldn't consider that a meal, now would you? <br \> <br \> Caption: Meanwhile, at Lil' Gardner's apartment... <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: You know, Angry, I've been thinking, and I'm not sure you're gay. <br \> Angry Magic Duck: Ooh, I like where this is going! <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: Who was your last relationship? The Cuthbot, right?* <br \> Angry Magic Duck: Whoa whoa whoa. Nobody said anything about the R-word. <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: Whatever. The point is, what do she and Robot Jesus have in common? <br \> Angry Magic Duck: They're both totally hot? <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: They're both robots. <br \> Angry Magic Duck: So you're saying I'm a...robosexual? <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: No, I think your predilection for robots is more of a fetish than an orientation. <br \> [[Lil' Gardner 1994 practices the bass]] <br \> <<Plong Plong>> <br \> <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: Robots are to you what a well-placed stiletto heel to the testicles is to m-- <br \> <br \> Angry Magic Duck: Schnapps <br \> <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: ...some people. <br \> Lil' Gardner 2002: Total perverts, I mean. <br \> Lil' Gardner 1994 (thinking): Oh my god in eight years I'm going to be paying some woman to impale my gonads unless I change my destiny with the power of ROCK <br \> <br \> Caption: *See the Cuthbot saga (beginning 8/5/04) for the pulse-pounding details! - Ed. <br \> <br \> Caption: Lil' Gardner '94's Rock 'N Roll Corner <br \> Lil' Gardner 1994: Baby I don't want you to step on my balls / I just wish you'd return my calls The Adventures of Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus: You don't have to feel uncomfortable--this isn't autobiography

Lil' Gardner: So why don't you consider what you and Angry Magic Duck had to be a relationship?
Robot Jesus: Well, I mean, if you found a couple of corndogs in the dumpster behind the 7-11, you wouldn't consider that a meal, now would you?

Caption: Meanwhile, at Lil' Gardner's apartment...
Lil' Gardner 2002: You know, Angry, I've been thinking, and I'm not sure you're gay.
Angry Magic Duck: Ooh, I like where this is going!
Lil' Gardner 2002: Who was your last relationship? The Cuthbot, right?*
Angry Magic Duck: Whoa whoa whoa. Nobody said anything about the R-word.
Lil' Gardner 2002: Whatever. The point is, what do she and Robot Jesus have in common?
Angry Magic Duck: They're both totally hot?
Lil' Gardner 2002: They're both robots.
Angry Magic Duck: So you're saying I'm a...robosexual?
Lil' Gardner 2002: No, I think your predilection for robots is more of a fetish than an orientation.
[[Lil' Gardner 1994 practices the bass]]
<>

Lil' Gardner 2002: Robots are to you what a well-placed stiletto heel to the testicles is to m--

Angry Magic Duck: Schnapps

Lil' Gardner 2002: ...some people.
Lil' Gardner 2002: Total perverts, I mean.
Lil' Gardner 1994 (thinking): Oh my god in eight years I'm going to be paying some woman to impale my gonads unless I change my destiny with the power of ROCK

Caption: *See the Cuthbot saga (beginning 8/5/04) for the pulse-pounding details! - Ed.

Caption: Lil' Gardner '94's Rock 'N Roll Corner
Lil' Gardner 1994: Baby I don't want you to step on my balls / I just wish you'd return my calls]]>