Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - latest additions http://smbc-comics.com/ The latest transcribed Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comics, powered by OhNoRobot.com en-us Wed, 11 Jul 2012 23:12:03 -0000 60 Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2634 http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2634 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 22:43:44 -0000 <a href="http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2634">Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal</a> Header: Sociology is not perfect. [a newspaper headline reads: "Human nature gleaned via survey study of six wealthy American college students"] Header: But it merits investment. Climatology is also tough, but you like knowing the weather. [woman reads a weather report on the computer that reads: "70% chance of rain - wear a warm jacket"] Header: Imagine getting a sociology forecast [woman, wearing spiked shoulder pads, looks at a computer screen that reads: "80% chance of dickheads - wear spikes"] Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

Header: Sociology is not perfect.
[a newspaper headline reads: "Human nature gleaned via survey study of six wealthy American college students"]

Header: But it merits investment. Climatology is also tough, but you like knowing the weather.
[woman reads a weather report on the computer that reads: "70% chance of rain - wear a warm jacket"]

Header: Imagine getting a sociology forecast
[woman, wearing spiked shoulder pads, looks at a computer screen that reads: "80% chance of dickheads - wear spikes"]]]> Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2633 http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2633 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 22:38:17 -0000 <a href="http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2633">Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal</a> [Man holds little boy hostage with a gun. A woman points a gun at the man] Man: "Gimme the password or the boy dies!" Woman: "I've implanted a chip in his brain that alters his perception of time." Woman: "So, if a projectile breaks his skin at a kinetic energy that is likely to cause death, the chip activates and mentally simulates an entire lifetime of happiness for him!" Man: "But it's not a real lifetime!" Woman: "True, but because it's unreal, it will be a lifetime without woe or hardship. Without the need to kill or to live or dissect to discover. A life where truth and beauty are perfected and manifest everywhere. Man: "Well...what if I kill you?! Gimme the password or I'll kill you!" Woman: "I'm also chipped." [man looks distraught] Man: "Could I get one of those?" [Woman shoots man in the head] Boy: "You saved me! You're the best mommy ever!" Woman: "I love you, Son. I love you so much." Woman: "That's odd. He was right next to you when I shot him. Why aren't you covered in blood? Why aren't you crying?" Boy: "Because I'm the happiest boy ever and you're the bet mommy, and nothing's wrong at all!" [Woman has a look of a sudden realization, of total shock.] Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

[Man holds little boy hostage with a gun. A woman points a gun at the man]
Man: "Gimme the password or the boy dies!"

Woman: "I've implanted a chip in his brain that alters his perception of time."

Woman: "So, if a projectile breaks his skin at a kinetic energy that is likely to cause death, the chip activates and mentally simulates an entire lifetime of happiness for him!"

Man: "But it's not a real lifetime!"

Woman: "True, but because it's unreal, it will be a lifetime without woe or hardship. Without the need to kill or to live or dissect to discover. A life where truth and beauty are perfected and manifest everywhere.

Man: "Well...what if I kill you?! Gimme the password or I'll kill you!"
Woman: "I'm also chipped."

[man looks distraught]

Man: "Could I get one of those?"

[Woman shoots man in the head]

Boy: "You saved me! You're the best mommy ever!"

Woman: "I love you, Son. I love you so much."

Woman: "That's odd. He was right next to you when I shot him. Why aren't you covered in blood? Why aren't you crying?"

Boy: "Because I'm the happiest boy ever and you're the bet mommy, and nothing's wrong at all!"

[Woman has a look of a sudden realization, of total shock.]]]> Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2632 http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2632 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 22:30:51 -0000 <a href="http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2632">Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal</a> [man in future like costume stands in a machine labeled "TIME"] Man: "I want to see what future humans look like! Since only the fittest reproduce, I bet we'll all be musclebound supergeniuses." Header: 10,000 years later... Future Human: "We're basically the same, except 95% of us have a condom-breaking mechanism on our penises." Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

[man in future like costume stands in a machine labeled "TIME"]
Man: "I want to see what future humans look like! Since only the fittest reproduce, I bet we'll all be musclebound supergeniuses."

Header: 10,000 years later...
Future Human: "We're basically the same, except 95% of us have a condom-breaking mechanism on our penises."]]> Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2631 http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2631 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 22:27:56 -0000 <a href="http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2631">Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal</a> [Man and woman are dressed in victorian clothing] Man: "Marie...before we go any further...I should tell you...I have bodily functions." Woman: "What? But Charles-" Man: "Some of them are pooping!" Woman: "How many?!" Man: "I don't know! At least one..." Woman: "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU CHARLES! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" header: Sometimes, I wish there had been victorian TV soap operas. Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

[Man and woman are dressed in victorian clothing]
Man: "Marie...before we go any further...I should tell you...I have bodily functions."

Woman: "What? But Charles-"
Man: "Some of them are pooping!"

Woman: "How many?!"
Man: "I don't know! At least one..."

Woman: "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU CHARLES! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"

header: Sometimes, I wish there had been victorian TV soap operas.]]> Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2630 http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2630 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 22:16:34 -0000 <a href="http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2630">Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal</a> [Man looks sad] Man (thinking): Should I spend another year in this job I hate...or should I take this new possibility with all the risk in entails. Man: "What do you say, inner child?" Inner child: "You should watch cartoons and eat a mountain of cookies." Man: "Okay...what do you say, inner teenager?" Inner Teenager: "Making tough decisions is for conformists, loser." Man: "Uh huh...okay what do you say, inner young adult?" Inner Young Adult: "I'm busting my ASS to get this law degree. Why the hell aren't you a millionaire yet?! JESUS." Man: "What do you say, inner self?" Inner self: "You're consulting imaginary parts of your psyche because you're afraid to admit you've already made the cowardly choice in your heart." [man looks distraught] [man is eating cookies and watching a super hero movie.] Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

[Man looks sad]
Man (thinking): Should I spend another year in this job I hate...or should I take this new possibility with all the risk in entails.

Man: "What do you say, inner child?"
Inner child: "You should watch cartoons and eat a mountain of cookies."

Man: "Okay...what do you say, inner teenager?"
Inner Teenager: "Making tough decisions is for conformists, loser."

Man: "Uh huh...okay what do you say, inner young adult?"
Inner Young Adult: "I'm busting my ASS to get this law degree. Why the hell aren't you a millionaire yet?! JESUS."

Man: "What do you say, inner self?"
Inner self: "You're consulting imaginary parts of your psyche because you're afraid to admit you've already made the cowardly choice in your heart."

[man looks distraught]

[man is eating cookies and watching a super hero movie.]]]> Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2629 http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2629 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 21:56:35 -0000 <a href="http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2629">Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal</a> Man: "We're prepared to offer double his most recent signing bonus." Woman: "Double? His writing is 60% of your sales for the next ten years. I could get double from my FUCKING GRANDMA. TRY AGAIN." Man: "Listen, we were the only ones who would publish him in the first place! Without us he has no career. I can do 250% and five more points on the back end, and my only demand is I NEVER HEAR YOUR BANSHEE VOICE AGAIN!" Woman: "You better LOVE this voice because it's coming back for two more points after this deal, or WE WALK." Man: "How about FUCK YOU. Do we have a deal or not?" Woman: "Throw in 500 dollars from your personal account and we're done." Man: "Done. Done, you wretched bitch." [Man talking money out of his wallet] Woman: "Pleasure doing business with you." [a picture of a book. The title reads: "A critique of Commercialism] Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

Man: "We're prepared to offer double his most recent signing bonus."

Woman: "Double? His writing is 60% of your sales for the next ten years. I could get double from my FUCKING GRANDMA. TRY AGAIN."

Man: "Listen, we were the only ones who would publish him in the first place! Without us he has no career. I can do 250% and five more points on the back end, and my only demand is I NEVER HEAR YOUR BANSHEE VOICE AGAIN!"

Woman: "You better LOVE this voice because it's coming back for two more points after this deal, or WE WALK."

Man: "How about FUCK YOU. Do we have a deal or not?"

Woman: "Throw in 500 dollars from your personal account and we're done."

Man: "Done. Done, you wretched bitch."

[Man talking money out of his wallet]
Woman: "Pleasure doing business with you."

[a picture of a book. The title reads: "A critique of Commercialism]]]> Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2628 http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2628 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 21:48:56 -0000 <a href="http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2628">Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal</a> [Woman comes running into room. People are sitting around a table.] Woman: "Quick! I need a term that actually means something very small, but which people think means something large and significant!" [Woman at podium] Woman: "This policy represents a quantum leap in education reform!" Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

[Woman comes running into room. People are sitting around a table.]
Woman: "Quick! I need a term that actually means something very small, but which people think means something large and significant!"

[Woman at podium]
Woman: "This policy represents a quantum leap in education reform!"]]> Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2627 http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2627 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 21:45:09 -0000 <a href="http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2627">Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal</a> [woman stands in front of chalk board, holding a piece of chalk. Writing on the chalk board is "Teach the Controversy"] Woman: A lot of people believe in evolution. Others believe we couldn't just come from random chance. Rather than pick sides, I'm gong to "Teach the Controversy" Boy: "That's not how controversy is spelled." Woman: "Yes it is." [boy looks high and mighty] Boy: "It's spelled C-O-N-N-T-R-U-H-V-E-R-S-E-Y." Woman: "The dictionary says otherwise." Boy: "Why would an "O" make un "UH" sound? If dictionary people are so smart, how come they haven't noticed?" Woman: "I don't-" Boy: "Plus, me and some other kids got together and decided it's probably spelled C-O-N-N-T-R-U-H-V-E-R-S-E-Y. So there's a consensus right there." [Woman looks frustrated] Woman: "FINE. Everyone, the people who the dictionarcy spell it C-O-N-T-R-O-V-E-R-S-Y, and Bobby and his "consensus" spell it C-O-N-N-T-R-U-H-V-E-R-S-E-Y." [woman glares at boy] [woman turns back to chalk board] Woman: "Anyway, I'm going to teach the-" Boy: "It's pronounced "tee-ack."" Header: Later... Boy's Mom: "How'd it go?" Boy: "She kicked me out of class." Boy's Mom: "Here's your ten dollars." Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

[woman stands in front of chalk board, holding a piece of chalk. Writing on the chalk board is "Teach the Controversy"]
Woman: A lot of people believe in evolution. Others believe we couldn't just come from random chance. Rather than pick sides, I'm gong to "Teach the Controversy"

Boy: "That's not how controversy is spelled."

Woman: "Yes it is."

[boy looks high and mighty]
Boy: "It's spelled C-O-N-N-T-R-U-H-V-E-R-S-E-Y."

Woman: "The dictionary says otherwise."

Boy: "Why would an "O" make un "UH" sound? If dictionary people are so smart, how come they haven't noticed?"

Woman: "I don't-"
Boy: "Plus, me and some other kids got together and decided it's probably spelled C-O-N-N-T-R-U-H-V-E-R-S-E-Y. So there's a consensus right there."

[Woman looks frustrated]
Woman: "FINE. Everyone, the people who the dictionarcy spell it C-O-N-T-R-O-V-E-R-S-Y, and Bobby and his "consensus" spell it C-O-N-N-T-R-U-H-V-E-R-S-E-Y."

[woman glares at boy]

[woman turns back to chalk board]
Woman: "Anyway, I'm going to teach the-"
Boy: "It's pronounced "tee-ack.""

Header: Later...
Boy's Mom: "How'd it go?"
Boy: "She kicked me out of class."
Boy's Mom: "Here's your ten dollars."]]> Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2626 http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2626 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 21:32:37 -0000 <a href="http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2626">Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal</a> [Graph. The y axis is labeled "creepiness", the x axis is labeled "Time spent staring at a woman's breast". The line starts at the bottom, and a point is labeled "acceptable". The line ascends quickly, and a point is labeled "uncomfortable". The lines rises more and then plateaus. A point on the plateau is labeled "you're a creep". The line starts to descend and a point is labeled "Sir? Sir, did you have a stroke?". The line continues to descend all the way to the bottom, and then is rockets to the top. Near the very top, a point is labeled "Holy shit a man died staring at my tits."] Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

[Graph. The y axis is labeled "creepiness", the x axis is labeled "Time spent staring at a woman's breast". The line starts at the bottom, and a point is labeled "acceptable". The line ascends quickly, and a point is labeled "uncomfortable". The lines rises more and then plateaus. A point on the plateau is labeled "you're a creep". The line starts to descend and a point is labeled "Sir? Sir, did you have a stroke?". The line continues to descend all the way to the bottom, and then is rockets to the top. Near the very top, a point is labeled "Holy shit a man died staring at my tits."]]]> Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2625 http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2625 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 21:21:05 -0000 <a href="http://smbc-comics.com/?id=2625">Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal</a> Woman: Sy you could step inside a hallucination machine where you would experience perfect please as long as you live. Would you do it? [man looks angry] Man: I would not. Because I want to experience reality, with all its ups and downs and comedies and tragedies. Better to try to glimpse the blinding light of truth than to dwell in the darkness. Woman: Say the machine actually exists and I have on. Man: Okay I'm in. Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

Woman: Sy you could step inside a hallucination machine where you would experience perfect please as long as you live. Would you do it?

[man looks angry]
Man: I would not. Because I want to experience reality, with all its ups and downs and comedies and tragedies. Better to try to glimpse the blinding light of truth than to dwell in the darkness.

Woman: Say the machine actually exists and I have on.
Man: Okay I'm in.]]>