Registered Weapon - latest additions

Registered Weapon - latest additions http://registered-weapon.com The latest transcribed Registered Weapon comics, powered by OhNoRobot.com en-us Mon, 20 Apr 2009 19:13:13 -0000 60 Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 17 http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/17/joseph-alphonse-episode-17/ http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/17/joseph-alphonse-episode-17/ Fri, 20 Mar 2009 06:15:09 -0000 <a href="http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/17/joseph-alphonse-episode-17/">Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 17</a> [[LAX - Los Angeles International Airport]] FELIX: The plane's taxiing for take-off! Frank Gorman: Faster! Faster! [[The camel gives Frank a look]] Frank Gorman: What? What are you gonna do? I put six slugs in that death merchant Joe Camel, so don't think I'll hesitate to do the same to you. All hump and no backbone. FELIX: Joe Camel was a fictional character! Frank Gorman: I guess the seventeen Ukrainian prostitutes he murdered were fictional too. [[Frank jabs the camel with a taser]] Frank Gorman: Andale! [[FELIX is electrocuted]] FELIX: Ahhhhhhhhh! Fishstickkkk!!! [[FELIX is left lying on the tarmac]] Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 17

[[LAX - Los Angeles International Airport]]
FELIX: The plane's taxiing for take-off!
Frank Gorman: Faster! Faster!

[[The camel gives Frank a look]]
Frank Gorman: What? What are you gonna do? I put six slugs in that death merchant Joe Camel, so don't think I'll hesitate to do the same to you. All hump and no backbone.

FELIX: Joe Camel was a fictional character!

Frank Gorman: I guess the seventeen Ukrainian prostitutes he murdered were fictional too.

[[Frank jabs the camel with a taser]]
Frank Gorman: Andale!

[[FELIX is electrocuted]]
FELIX: Ahhhhhhhhh! Fishstickkkk!!!

[[FELIX is left lying on the tarmac]]]]> Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 16 http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/13/joseph-alphonse-episode-16/ http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/13/joseph-alphonse-episode-16/ Fri, 20 Mar 2009 06:15:07 -0000 <a href="http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/13/joseph-alphonse-episode-16/">Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 16</a> [[Frank's car on the 405]] [[Frank and FELIX are stuck behind a truck with two camels in the back]] Frank Gorman: Do me a favor and look up how many consecutive horn honks allow for use of lethal force. FELIX: Most reasonable drivers would've anticipated traffic on the 405, Detective Fishstick. Frank Gorman: Were you too lazy to buzz your buddy the traffic copter for a head's-up? FELIX: I'm looking for a shortcut now. Frank Gorman: Don't bother. I've got an idea. [[Frank and FELIX ride away on a camel]] Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 16

[[Frank's car on the 405]]
[[Frank and FELIX are stuck behind a truck with two camels in the back]]

Frank Gorman: Do me a favor and look up how many consecutive horn honks allow for use of lethal force.
FELIX: Most reasonable drivers would've anticipated traffic on the 405, Detective Fishstick.

Frank Gorman: Were you too lazy to buzz your buddy the traffic copter for a head's-up?

FELIX: I'm looking for a shortcut now.

Frank Gorman: Don't bother. I've got an idea.

[[Frank and FELIX ride away on a camel]]]]> Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 15 http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/10/joseph-alphonse-episode-15/ http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/10/joseph-alphonse-episode-15/ Tue, 10 Mar 2009 22:17:27 -0000 <a href="http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/10/joseph-alphonse-episode-15/">Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 15</a> [[Outside playground/crime scene - cars]] Dr. Johannes Elvis: You are going to pay me... Frank Gorman: A compliment. Nice goggles. Gotta go. Police emergency. Dr. Johannes Elvis: You shall rue the day you crossed Dr. Elvis, Detective Fishstick! You and your little pet robot! Rue the day! [[Frank's car]] Frank Gorman: Rue the day? Who talks like that? I mean...nobody. FELIX: Someone whose car door was damaged by police and subsequently swept under the rug by the same police. [[The 405]] Frank Gorman: "Subsequently?" That's a mighty big word for such a little robot. You'd better be careful--talking like that Elvis character'll get your ass kicked in most bars. [[Flashback - bar]] Frank Gorman: Have...I...do...doth...quitely liken another of thine...this...spirits...good sir. Biker 1: That dude's talkin' funny. Biker 2: Like Hamhock from that queer play in high school. Hamhock: They forced me to wear tights. Biker 1: Let's kick his ass! Frank Gorman: Whatly have I done? Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 15

[[Outside playground/crime scene - cars]]
Dr. Johannes Elvis: You are going to pay me...
Frank Gorman: A compliment. Nice goggles. Gotta go. Police emergency.

Dr. Johannes Elvis: You shall rue the day you crossed Dr. Elvis, Detective Fishstick! You and your little pet robot! Rue the day!

[[Frank's car]]
Frank Gorman: Rue the day? Who talks like that? I mean...nobody.

FELIX: Someone whose car door was damaged by police and subsequently swept under the rug by the same police.

[[The 405]]
Frank Gorman: "Subsequently?" That's a mighty big word for such a little robot. You'd better be careful--talking like that Elvis character'll get your ass kicked in most bars.

[[Flashback - bar]]
Frank Gorman: Have...I...do...doth...quitely liken another of thine...this...spirits...good sir.
Biker 1: That dude's talkin' funny.
Biker 2: Like Hamhock from that queer play in high school.
Hamhock: They forced me to wear tights.
Biker 1: Let's kick his ass!

Frank Gorman: Whatly have I done?]]> Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 14 http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/06/joseph-alphonse-episode-14/ http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/06/joseph-alphonse-episode-14/ Tue, 10 Mar 2009 22:17:25 -0000 <a href="http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/06/joseph-alphonse-episode-14/">Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 14</a> [[Outside playground/crime scene - cars]] Dr. Johannes Elvis: So if Gorton's makes fish sticks, then what does Gorman's make? Frank Gorman: I don't know. Nothing. Frank Gorman: See ya later, idiot! Frank Gorman: Ooh, I just thought of something. Say what you said again. Dr. Johannes Elvis: Are you going to accompany me to my body man, or shall I have to file a formal complaint? FELIX: Come on, Frank. Brookmeyer's flight-- Frank Gorman: Fine. Be that way. Frank Gorman: You say "What does Gorman's make?" So then I say "This Gorman makes out with your mom three nights a week!" Frank Gorman: Zing! [[Dr. Elvis is unamused]] FELIX: Damn, Frank--his mother is a patient at a nursing home for quadriplegics. Dr. Johannes Elvis: Yes. Zinged indeed. Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 14

[[Outside playground/crime scene - cars]]
Dr. Johannes Elvis: So if Gorton's makes fish sticks, then what does Gorman's make?
Frank Gorman: I don't know. Nothing.

Frank Gorman: See ya later, idiot!

Frank Gorman: Ooh, I just thought of something. Say what you said again.

Dr. Johannes Elvis: Are you going to accompany me to my body man, or shall I have to file a formal complaint?

FELIX: Come on, Frank. Brookmeyer's flight--
Frank Gorman: Fine. Be that way.
Frank Gorman: You say "What does Gorman's make?" So then I say "This Gorman makes out with your mom three nights a week!"
Frank Gorman: Zing!

[[Dr. Elvis is unamused]]

FELIX: Damn, Frank--his mother is a patient at a nursing home for quadriplegics.
Dr. Johannes Elvis: Yes. Zinged indeed.]]> Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 13 http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/03/joseph-alphonse-episode-13/ http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/03/joseph-alphonse-episode-13/ Tue, 03 Mar 2009 23:08:56 -0000 <a href="http://registered-weapon.com/2009/03/03/joseph-alphonse-episode-13/">Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 13</a> [[Street outside playground - crime scene]] Dr. Johannes Elvis: This is an outrage, sir! You and your pleasurebot have damaged my conveyance, and I demand restitution, Officer-- Frank Gorman: Detective. Detective Frank Gorman. Dr. Johannes Elvis: Very well, Detective Gorman. I am Dr. Johannes Ludovico Elvis, Ph.D. Frank Gorman: Dr. Elvis, huh? Where's your pompadour? Dr. Johannes Elvis: "Dr. Elvis" is not an affectation! It is the name of my father and his father before him! Dr. Johannes Elvis: Where's your...your yellow raincoat? Frank Gorman: What? Dr. Johannes Elvis: Don't you know the Gorman's fisherman? With the fish sticks? Frank Gorman: I think that's Gorton's. Dr. Johannes Elvis: No, I'm almost positive it's Gorman's. FELIX: It's Gorton's. I just Wikipediaed it. Dr. Johannes Elvis: Yes, well, Wikipedia is hardly an authoritative-- Frank Gorman: Trust me, it's Gorton's. Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 13

[[Street outside playground - crime scene]]
Dr. Johannes Elvis: This is an outrage, sir! You and your pleasurebot have damaged my conveyance, and I demand restitution, Officer--

Frank Gorman: Detective. Detective Frank Gorman.

Dr. Johannes Elvis: Very well, Detective Gorman. I am Dr. Johannes Ludovico Elvis, Ph.D.
Frank Gorman: Dr. Elvis, huh? Where's your pompadour?

Dr. Johannes Elvis: "Dr. Elvis" is not an affectation! It is the name of my father and his father before him!
Dr. Johannes Elvis: Where's your...your yellow raincoat?

Frank Gorman: What?
Dr. Johannes Elvis: Don't you know the Gorman's fisherman? With the fish sticks?
Frank Gorman: I think that's Gorton's.

Dr. Johannes Elvis: No, I'm almost positive it's Gorman's.
FELIX: It's Gorton's. I just Wikipediaed it.
Dr. Johannes Elvis: Yes, well, Wikipedia is hardly an authoritative--
Frank Gorman: Trust me, it's Gorton's.]]> Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 12 http://registered-weapon.com/2009/02/27/joseph-alphonse-episode-12/ http://registered-weapon.com/2009/02/27/joseph-alphonse-episode-12/ Sat, 28 Feb 2009 22:43:51 -0000 <a href="http://registered-weapon.com/2009/02/27/joseph-alphonse-episode-12/">Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 12</a> [[Street next to playground/crime scene]] FELIX: We have to hurry, Frank! Brookmeyer is booked on a flight to Mexico in thirty minutes. Frank Gorman: Just settle down, okay? Frank Gorman: When you get all excited like that it's like watching a toaster that has to take a piss. Dr. Johannes Elvis: Excuse me--is this your automobile? Frank Gorman: Out of the way, jerkoff. Police business. Dr. Johannes Elvis: Was it "police business" to dent my brand-new Smart Car? Dr. Johannes Elvis: Tell me, you cumbrous oaf, did you bump into it with those hippopotamic haunches, or did your robot companion have his way with it? Frank Gorman: He's not my "companion!" FELIX: I was a perfect gentleman! Just ask her! Frank Gorman: Do I really have haunches? Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 12

[[Street next to playground/crime scene]]
FELIX: We have to hurry, Frank! Brookmeyer is booked on a flight to Mexico in thirty minutes.
Frank Gorman: Just settle down, okay?
Frank Gorman: When you get all excited like that it's like watching a toaster that has to take a piss.

Dr. Johannes Elvis: Excuse me--is this your automobile?

Frank Gorman: Out of the way, jerkoff. Police business.

Dr. Johannes Elvis: Was it "police business" to dent my brand-new Smart Car?
Dr. Johannes Elvis: Tell me, you cumbrous oaf, did you bump into it with those hippopotamic haunches, or did your robot companion have his way with it?

Frank Gorman: He's not my "companion!"
FELIX: I was a perfect gentleman! Just ask her!

Frank Gorman: Do I really have haunches?]]> Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 5 http://registered-weapon.com/2009/02/03/joseph-alphonse-episode-5/ http://registered-weapon.com/2009/02/03/joseph-alphonse-episode-5/ Wed, 25 Feb 2009 00:30:19 -0000 <a href="http://registered-weapon.com/2009/02/03/joseph-alphonse-episode-5/">Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 5</a> [[Street - outside crime scene]] [[FELIX attempts to buff out dent on Smart Car]] FELIX: Just give me a second to buff out this dent. [[Frank picks up FELIX]] FELIX: Hey! Frank Gorman: Listen up, Johnny Five. You can finger-bang this thing on your own time. Frank Gorman: Like say tomorrow, when you've been busted back down to Petty Crimes. Frank Gorman: But today you're a Homicide police. Frank Gorman: So who cares if some guy's little iPod of a car got a scratch? He's just gonna have to grow a sack and deal with it. Frank Gorman: And so are you. Frank Gorman: So come on, if you're coming. FELIX: He's so wrong about me. I mean I was just trying to massage--please don't activate your alarm. Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 5

[[Street - outside crime scene]]
[[FELIX attempts to buff out dent on Smart Car]]
FELIX: Just give me a second to buff out this dent.

[[Frank picks up FELIX]]
FELIX: Hey!

Frank Gorman: Listen up, Johnny Five. You can finger-bang this thing on your own time.
Frank Gorman: Like say tomorrow, when you've been busted back down to Petty Crimes.

Frank Gorman: But today you're a Homicide police.
Frank Gorman: So who cares if some guy's little iPod of a car got a scratch? He's just gonna have to grow a sack and deal with it.

Frank Gorman: And so are you.

Frank Gorman: So come on, if you're coming.
FELIX: He's so wrong about me. I mean I was just trying to massage--please don't activate your alarm.]]> Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 4 http://registered-weapon.com/2009/01/30/joseph-alphonse-episode-4/ http://registered-weapon.com/2009/01/30/joseph-alphonse-episode-4/ Wed, 25 Feb 2009 00:30:18 -0000 <a href="http://registered-weapon.com/2009/01/30/joseph-alphonse-episode-4/">Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 4</a> [[Street - outside crime scene]] Frank Gorman: !@#$! Frank Gorman: Goddamn...no parking in this town.. Frank Gorman: Need to incarcerate more people... FELIX: There's a spot three blocks north. Frank Gorman: Screw that. FELIX: You can't double-park! Frank Gorman: The hell I can't. This is why I became a cop. <<SCREECH>> [[FELIX opens door, and it hits a Smart Car]] <<WHUMP>> Frank Gorman: C'mon. This guy ain't gonna stay fresh forever. FELIX: Um...just a second... Frank Gorman: Don't tell me you're scared of a little ol' dead body. Frank Gorman: I thought you robots drank human blood. FELIX: Hey! That's an offensive stereotype! FELIX: Just because some of us robots drink blood, it doesn't mean we all do. FELIX: I mean it just makes me so bloated Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 4

[[Street - outside crime scene]]
Frank Gorman: !@#$!

Frank Gorman: Goddamn...no parking in this town..
Frank Gorman: Need to incarcerate more people...
FELIX: There's a spot three blocks north.
Frank Gorman: Screw that.

FELIX: You can't double-park!
Frank Gorman: The hell I can't. This is why I became a cop.
<>

[[FELIX opens door, and it hits a Smart Car]]
<>

Frank Gorman: C'mon. This guy ain't gonna stay fresh forever.
FELIX: Um...just a second...
Frank Gorman: Don't tell me you're scared of a little ol' dead body.

Frank Gorman: I thought you robots drank human blood.
FELIX: Hey! That's an offensive stereotype!
FELIX: Just because some of us robots drink blood, it doesn't mean we all do.
FELIX: I mean it just makes me so bloated]]> Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 3 http://registered-weapon.com/2009/01/27/joseph-alphonse-episode-3/ http://registered-weapon.com/2009/01/27/joseph-alphonse-episode-3/ Wed, 25 Feb 2009 00:30:17 -0000 <a href="http://registered-weapon.com/2009/01/27/joseph-alphonse-episode-3/">Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 3</a> [[Frank's car]] Frank Gorman: You missed one little detail with your spyware. FELIX: My observational analysis. Frank Gorman: Whatever. Maybe you should x-ray my right arm. [[SCANNING...]] [[SCANNING...]] [[SCANNING...]] [[SCANNING...]] [[SCANNING...]] [[SCAN COMPLETE]] [[Frank's tattoo: F--- WITH ME / BURN IN HELL]] FELIX: How...uh...how accurate is that...piece of art? Frank Gorman: Self-portrait. FELIX: Why's...why's that part blurred out? Frank Gorman: Somebody's got to protect the kids. Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 3

[[Frank's car]]
Frank Gorman: You missed one little detail with your spyware.
FELIX: My observational analysis.
Frank Gorman: Whatever. Maybe you should x-ray my right arm.

[[SCANNING...]]
[[SCANNING...]]
[[SCANNING...]]
[[SCANNING...]]
[[SCANNING...]]

[[SCAN COMPLETE]]
[[Frank's tattoo: F--- WITH ME / BURN IN HELL]]

FELIX: How...uh...how accurate is that...piece of art?

Frank Gorman: Self-portrait.

FELIX: Why's...why's that part blurred out?

Frank Gorman: Somebody's got to protect the kids.]]> Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 2 http://registered-weapon.com/2009/01/23/joseph-alphonse-episode-2/ http://registered-weapon.com/2009/01/23/joseph-alphonse-episode-2/ Wed, 25 Feb 2009 00:30:15 -0000 <a href="http://registered-weapon.com/2009/01/23/joseph-alphonse-episode-2/">Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 2</a> [[Frank's car]] FELIX: You don't have to like me but you will respect--hey! <<KA-CHING>> Frank Gorman: Ooh, look at all the state-of-the-art RoboCop parts. FELIX: How would you like it if I dug around in all your private stuff? Frank Gorman: Do your worst, WALL-E. FELIX: Fine! [[SCANNING...]] [[SCANNING...]] [[SCANNING...]] [[SCANNING...]] [[SCANNING...]] [[SCAN COMPLETE]] [[INCOMING: MOM, MOM, MOM / OUTGOING: LIU'S, LIU'S, LIU'S]] [[WALLET CONTENTS: PERFORMANCE CITATIONS (15) / PHOTOGRAPH OF OFFICER KIRSTEN SIENEGA (SEE DEPT. FILES)]] [[STAIN ANALYSIS: HUMAN SWEAT / AGE: 3 YEARS]] [[STAIN ANALYSIS: PICKLE RELISH / AGE: 2 WEEKS]] FELIX: You haven't washed your pants in two weeks, if that relish stain is any indication. You haven't talked to anyone in a month except your mother and the delivery guy from Liu's Dragon Dong, who brings a single order of Genral Tsao's chicken every night to your basement apartment. But the saddest part is you wear your citations like a badge of honor, but you're too afraid to do anything about your schoolboy crush on Officer Sienega. FELIX: I understand, though. She is scary sexy...like that chemical castration bot at the prison. FELIX: So curvaceous, but so...so dangerous. Registered Weapon » Joseph Alphonse: Episode 2

[[Frank's car]]
FELIX: You don't have to like me but you will respect--hey!
<>

Frank Gorman: Ooh, look at all the state-of-the-art RoboCop parts.

FELIX: How would you like it if I dug around in all your private stuff?
Frank Gorman: Do your worst, WALL-E.

FELIX: Fine!
[[SCANNING...]]
[[SCANNING...]]
[[SCANNING...]]
[[SCANNING...]]
[[SCANNING...]]

[[SCAN COMPLETE]]
[[INCOMING: MOM, MOM, MOM / OUTGOING: LIU'S, LIU'S, LIU'S]]
[[WALLET CONTENTS: PERFORMANCE CITATIONS (15) / PHOTOGRAPH OF OFFICER KIRSTEN SIENEGA (SEE DEPT. FILES)]]
[[STAIN ANALYSIS: HUMAN SWEAT / AGE: 3 YEARS]]
[[STAIN ANALYSIS: PICKLE RELISH / AGE: 2 WEEKS]]

FELIX: You haven't washed your pants in two weeks, if that relish stain is any indication. You haven't talked to anyone in a month except your mother and the delivery guy from Liu's Dragon Dong, who brings a single order of Genral Tsao's chicken every night to your basement apartment. But the saddest part is you wear your citations like a badge of honor, but you're too afraid to do anything about your schoolboy crush on Officer Sienega.

FELIX: I understand, though. She is scary sexy...like that chemical castration bot at the prison.
FELIX: So curvaceous, but so...so dangerous.]]>