Mountain Time - latest additions

Mountain Time - latest additions http://mountaincomics.com The latest transcribed Mountain Time comics, powered by OhNoRobot.com en-us Thu, 23 May 2013 06:12:03 -0000 60 The Perseus of Memorex http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/23/mountain-time-455/ http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/23/mountain-time-455/ Thu, 23 May 2013 06:01:20 -0000 <a href="http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/23/mountain-time-455/">The Perseus of Memorex</a> he's between the sheets and all over the streets PILLOW COP Chief: I'm afraid I have to ask you to turn in your badge. Pillow Cop: But Chief! I'm the best cop on the force! Chief: I know that, PC, but someone read the fine print in the town charter. Chief: Turns out, feather-stuffed individuals aren't eligible for government employment. Pillow Cop: WHAT?! Chief: I'm sorry. It's a down bylaw. Pillow Cop: It's institutionalized innardsism! Chief: You'll have no trouble finding work. You could be a bodyguard. Pillow Cop: Be a body pillow? No thanks. Chief: Security guard? Pillow Cop: They tend to prefer blankets for that. Chief: Bouncer? Pillow Cop: Mattresses. Chief: Well, people respect you around town. Maybe you could do public appearances. Pillow Cop: Fluff work. Pillow Cop: Besides, this down bylaw sounds fishy. Probably a ploy by my nemesis, Rock Mobster. Chief: You sound paranoid, PC. Pillow Cop: Hey, if I wanted an editorial, I'd go to the, uh... Pillow Cop: ...I dunno, the editorial store? Alt: All the best heroes have antithetical nemeses, like how Superman had Mediocrewoman, or how Darkwing Duck had Lightleg Staystanding. The Perseus of Memorex

he's between the sheets and all over the streets
PILLOW COP

Chief: I'm afraid I have to ask you to turn in your badge.
Pillow Cop: But Chief! I'm the best cop on the force!

Chief: I know that, PC, but someone read the fine print in the town charter.

Chief: Turns out, feather-stuffed individuals aren't eligible for government employment.
Pillow Cop: WHAT?!

Chief: I'm sorry. It's a down bylaw.
Pillow Cop: It's institutionalized innardsism!

Chief: You'll have no trouble finding work. You could be a bodyguard.
Pillow Cop: Be a body pillow? No thanks.

Chief: Security guard?
Pillow Cop: They tend to prefer blankets for that.

Chief: Bouncer?
Pillow Cop: Mattresses.

Chief: Well, people respect you around town. Maybe you could do public appearances.
Pillow Cop: Fluff work.

Pillow Cop: Besides, this down bylaw sounds fishy. Probably a ploy by my nemesis, Rock Mobster.

Chief: You sound paranoid, PC.
Pillow Cop: Hey, if I wanted an editorial, I'd go to the, uh...

Pillow Cop: ...I dunno, the editorial store?

Alt: All the best heroes have antithetical nemeses, like how Superman had Mediocrewoman, or how Darkwing Duck had Lightleg Staystanding.]]> Voyage to the End of This Title http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/20/mountain-time-454/ http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/20/mountain-time-454/ Mon, 20 May 2013 07:08:59 -0000 <a href="http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/20/mountain-time-454/">Voyage to the End of This Title</a> Guy 1: It's cloudy. Guy 2: It's so cloudy, you can't even see the clouds. Head: I lost my credit card. Guy 1: Do you want me to call it? [[Head considers the offer]] Head: Yeah. Guy 1: Ok. I'll go chop down a phone. [[a beat]] [[A SPEED LIMIT 35 sign appears between Head and Guy 2]] [[Guy 1 arrives at a telephone tree]] Guy 1 (through axe that turned out to be a bullhorn on a stick): I CHOP THEE! Head: Should we slow down? Guy 2: Nah. If I get pulled over, I'll just say I'm in labor. Alt: Print out this comic, laminate it, stick it in an opaque, watertight box, and stick that box in a bomb shelter. Then, after the nuclear apocalypse, when monks in Utah are trying to preserve the knowledge of our civilization, maybe this comic will become part of their canon, and technological advancement will be set back centuries by people trying to grow telephone trees. Voyage to the End of This Title

Guy 1: It's cloudy.

Guy 2: It's so cloudy, you can't even see the clouds.

Head: I lost my credit card.

Guy 1: Do you want me to call it?

[[Head considers the offer]]

Head: Yeah.
Guy 1: Ok. I'll go chop down a phone.

[[a beat]]

[[A SPEED LIMIT 35 sign appears between Head and Guy 2]]

[[Guy 1 arrives at a telephone tree]]

Guy 1 (through axe that turned out to be a bullhorn on a stick): I CHOP THEE!

Head: Should we slow down?
Guy 2: Nah. If I get pulled over, I'll just say I'm in labor.

Alt: Print out this comic, laminate it, stick it in an opaque, watertight box, and stick that box in a bomb shelter. Then, after the nuclear apocalypse, when monks in Utah are trying to preserve the knowledge of our civilization, maybe this comic will become part of their canon, and technological advancement will be set back centuries by people trying to grow telephone trees.]]> Televangelism in 8 Simple Dance Steps http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/16/mountain-time-453/ http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/16/mountain-time-453/ Thu, 16 May 2013 06:01:46 -0000 <a href="http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/16/mountain-time-453/">Televangelism in 8 Simple Dance Steps</a> Guy: Ug... Dogtrot: Are you ok, man? Dogtrot (holding up two fingers): How many fingers am I holding up? Guy: Uh... 28? Dogtrot: Eh, you're in the ballpark. Guy: I'm at the ballpark?! But I'm naked! Guy: The mayor must've been reading my diary. Dogtrot: No, you're in your shower. You were sing the TJ Maxx jingle... Guy: Doo-doo d-d-doo-doo d-d TJ Maxx! No it's never, ever the same place twice! Dogtrot: ...but some of it dripped onto the floor. Dogtrot: And while you were slipping and sliding on a 1989 advertising campaign, some thug camel snuck in, hit you on the head with a brick, and took your wallet. Guy: Joke's on him -- that was my DECOY shower wallet! Guy: A beer and a hot dog, please. [[Guy enjoys a beer and a hot dog]] Alt: So I guess this has been Stadium Concessions Week. Coming up next: Presidential Candidate Concessions Week? Televangelism in 8 Simple Dance Steps

Guy: Ug...
Dogtrot: Are you ok, man?

Dogtrot (holding up two fingers): How many fingers am I holding up?

Guy: Uh... 28?

Dogtrot: Eh, you're in the ballpark.

Guy: I'm at the ballpark?! But I'm naked!

Guy: The mayor must've been reading my diary.

Dogtrot: No, you're in your shower. You were sing the TJ Maxx jingle...

Guy: Doo-doo d-d-doo-doo d-d TJ Maxx! No it's never, ever the same place twice!
Dogtrot: ...but some of it dripped onto the floor.

Dogtrot: And while you were slipping and sliding on a 1989 advertising campaign, some thug camel snuck in, hit you on the head with a brick, and took your wallet.

Guy: Joke's on him -- that was my DECOY shower wallet!

Guy: A beer and a hot dog, please.

[[Guy enjoys a beer and a hot dog]]

Alt: So I guess this has been Stadium Concessions Week. Coming up next: Presidential Candidate Concessions Week?]]> Terror Lunch http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/13/mountain-time-452/ http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/13/mountain-time-452/ Mon, 13 May 2013 06:03:28 -0000 <a href="http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/13/mountain-time-452/">Terror Lunch</a> 1 & 2 (in unison): DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! 3 & 4 (in unison): WEL-FARE! WEL-FARE! 5, 6 & 7 (in unison): TRANS-POR-TA-TION! Kid: Why do we chant federal budget expenditures at football games? Dad: This is the height of Western civilization! Dad: We get drunk, eat hot dogs, and shout gibberish while watching other people be athletic. Someone: THE NORM OF RECIPROCITY! Dad: GESTALTEN! Meanwhile, in a dystopic parallel universe Dad: COFFEE FILTER REX IS JESUS! Pillow Cop: Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to keep it... Pillow Cop: down. it's bedtime for crime PILLOW COP AGORAPHOBIC HAMSTER ON THE MOON [[He's dead]] Alt: I'm pretty sure panel 6 is the softest pun I've ever made. Terror Lunch

1 & 2 (in unison): DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!
3 & 4 (in unison): WEL-FARE! WEL-FARE!
5, 6 & 7 (in unison): TRANS-POR-TA-TION!

Kid: Why do we chant federal budget expenditures at football games?
Dad: This is the height of Western civilization!

Dad: We get drunk, eat hot dogs, and shout gibberish while watching other people be athletic.

Someone: THE NORM OF RECIPROCITY!
Dad: GESTALTEN!

Meanwhile, in a dystopic parallel universe
Dad: COFFEE FILTER REX IS JESUS!
Pillow Cop: Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to keep it...

Pillow Cop: down.

it's bedtime for crime
PILLOW COP

AGORAPHOBIC HAMSTER ON THE MOON
[[He's dead]]

Alt: I'm pretty sure panel 6 is the softest pun I've ever made.]]> Mountain Time 451: The Comic at Which Mountains Time http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/06/mountain-time-451/ http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/06/mountain-time-451/ Mon, 13 May 2013 06:03:26 -0000 <a href="http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/06/mountain-time-451/">Mountain Time 451: The Comic at Which Mountains Time</a> Guy: It's so nice to have things done early. I did my taxes in January, and now... Guy (inhumed): I've gotten my burial out of the way! Zagnut Bar: I am the Candy Bar of Live Burial. Wrench: I'm just a wrench. Zagnut Bar: You must choose: escape or death? Guy: Oh, death is fine. Zagnut Bar: WHEW! Normally they say "escape," and I have to be all, "What do you expect ME to do? I'm a candy bar!" Penguin 1: He must've bought a cheap coffin -- it didn't even come with darkness. Penguin 2: Well, we're all pinching pennies these days. Penguin 1: True. I've been mashing up fish brains with the same pencil for years. Penguin 2: "Pencil"? Don't you mean "pestle"? Penguin 1: No -- I use a pencil in case I make mistakes. rocking chair rocking chair rocking chair rocking chair make it happen Castle: The special tonight is a seat belt flambe. Diner: Hmm... is that a castle accent I detect? Castle: Why, yes, I AM a castle! You've got a good ear. Diner (thinking): He's totally into me. Alt: I recommend the airbag au vin. Mountain Time 451: The Comic at Which Mountains Time

Guy: It's so nice to have things done early. I did my taxes in January, and now...

Guy (inhumed): I've gotten my burial out of the way!

Zagnut Bar: I am the Candy Bar of Live Burial.
Wrench: I'm just a wrench.

Zagnut Bar: You must choose: escape or death?
Guy: Oh, death is fine.

Zagnut Bar: WHEW! Normally they say "escape," and I have to be all, "What do you expect ME to do? I'm a candy bar!"

Penguin 1: He must've bought a cheap coffin -- it didn't even come with darkness.

Penguin 2: Well, we're all pinching pennies these days.
Penguin 1: True. I've been mashing up fish brains with the same pencil for years.

Penguin 2: "Pencil"? Don't you mean "pestle"?
Penguin 1: No -- I use a pencil in case I make mistakes.

rocking chair
rocking chair
rocking chair
rocking chair
make it happen

Castle: The special tonight is a seat belt flambe.
Diner: Hmm... is that a castle accent I detect?

Castle: Why, yes, I AM a castle! You've got a good ear.
Diner (thinking): He's totally into me.

Alt: I recommend the airbag au vin.]]> PlusBum http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/02/mountain-time-450/ http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/02/mountain-time-450/ Thu, 02 May 2013 06:17:11 -0000 <a href="http://mountaincomics.com/2013/05/02/mountain-time-450/">PlusBum</a> It's time to play PLUSBUM today's match-up: SIMONE vs. JEFF Host: That's a rabbit, so Jeff goes first. Jeff: Hammer deodorant. Host: PlusBum! 4 points! Simone: I don't like mackerel. Host: PlusBum! 17 points! Jeff: I'm pouring vodka on raw chicken! Host: PlusBum! 13 points! Simone: I'm spray-painting Jell-O. Host: MinusBum! Lose 9 points! Jeff: Saddle up your igloo! Host: GhostBum! You're spooked. Host: Simone, you've got SpookBum. Simone: Hmm. [[EUREKA!]] Simone: Showering a crying spinster with seashells! Host: SpookBum makes that DoubleBum! 42 points! Host: It's time for FinalBum! Jeff! How many points do you want? Jeff: 5! Host: Simone! How many points do you want? Simone: 9000! Host: Simone wins, 9000-5! Alt: Working in the PlusBum props department is probably the most challenging job in television. PlusBum

It's time to play PLUSBUM
today's match-up:
SIMONE vs. JEFF

Host: That's a rabbit, so Jeff goes first.

Jeff: Hammer deodorant.
Host: PlusBum! 4 points!

Simone: I don't like mackerel.
Host: PlusBum! 17 points!

Jeff: I'm pouring vodka on raw chicken!
Host: PlusBum! 13 points!

Simone: I'm spray-painting Jell-O.
Host: MinusBum! Lose 9 points!

Jeff: Saddle up your igloo!
Host: GhostBum! You're spooked.

Host: Simone, you've got SpookBum.
Simone: Hmm.

[[EUREKA!]]

Simone: Showering a crying spinster with seashells!
Host: SpookBum makes that DoubleBum! 42 points!

Host: It's time for FinalBum! Jeff! How many points do

you want?
Jeff: 5!

Host: Simone! How many points do you want?
Simone: 9000!

Host: Simone wins, 9000-5!

Alt: Working in the PlusBum props department is probably the most challenging job in television.]]> Village Eats Sunrise http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/29/mountain-time-449/ http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/29/mountain-time-449/ Mon, 29 Apr 2013 06:09:12 -0000 <a href="http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/29/mountain-time-449/">Village Eats Sunrise</a> Astronaut 1: This place looks like Utah. I'm gonna sleep well tonight! Astronaut 2: Huh? Astronaut 1: I can't sleep unless I imagine I'm in a cheap roadside hotel in Southern Utah. Astronaut 2: Around, like, Parowan? Astronaut 1: More like Beaver. Astronaut 2: Id say thats around Parowan I mean its right next to hey whats going on Astronaut 2: why cant I punctuate my speech Astronaut 2 (thinking): oh no I cant even punctuate my thoughts Im trapped in an endless run on sentence Astronaut 1: ''?'?'?'?!'!',-! Astronaut 2: I must have succumbed to SPACE MADNESS Chas: I don't understand, Xoklok. I split them in two, but they won't die. Xoklok: It's almost as if... can it be? Xoklok: It's as if they use IDEAS to communicate and MEAT to live in. Chas: That's completely backwards! Is it even possible? Xoklok: It's a strange universe, Chas. A strange, disgusting universe. Alt: I can't come in today -- the meat I live in is partially infected. Village Eats Sunrise

Astronaut 1: This place looks like Utah. I'm gonna sleep well tonight!
Astronaut 2: Huh?

Astronaut 1: I can't sleep unless I imagine I'm in a cheap roadside hotel in Southern Utah.
Astronaut 2: Around, like, Parowan?

Astronaut 1: More like Beaver.

Astronaut 2: Id say thats around Parowan I mean its right next to hey whats going on

Astronaut 2: why cant I punctuate my speech

Astronaut 2 (thinking): oh no I cant even punctuate my thoughts Im trapped in an endless run on sentence

Astronaut 1: ''?'?'?'?!'!',-!

Astronaut 2: I must have succumbed to SPACE MADNESS

Chas: I don't understand, Xoklok. I split them in two, but they won't die.
Xoklok: It's almost as if... can it be?

Xoklok: It's as if they use IDEAS to communicate and MEAT to live in.

Chas: That's completely backwards! Is it even possible?
Xoklok: It's a strange universe, Chas. A strange, disgusting universe.

Alt: I can't come in today -- the meat I live in is partially infected.]]> Pop Hits of the 90s vs. a $.10 Pen You Found in the Couch http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/26/mountain-time-448/ http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/26/mountain-time-448/ Fri, 26 Apr 2013 06:01:29 -0000 <a href="http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/26/mountain-time-448/">Pop Hits of the 90s vs. a $.10 Pen You Found in the Couch</a> AGORAPHOBIC HAMSTER AND FRIENDS Agoraphobic Hamster: So how did you two start hanging out? Chimneyfoot: We met in SEOUL. Agoraphobic Hamster: You went to South Korea? Chimneyfoot: No, I joined the Shape Enthusiasts Of Upper Louisiana. Agoraphobic Hamster: You went to Louisiana? Chimneyfoot: No; it's a club right here in town. Agoraphobic Hamster: Then why isn't it called "Shape Enthusiasts Of New Lancaster"? Dypsomanic Rubik's Cube: Because SEONL was already taken by Seniors Enjoying Objectionable Night Life. <<CRUNCH>> Agoraphobic Hamster: EEP! Giant Ultraman-Style Robot: BUY MY BOOK. BUY MY BOOK. Scientist: We've made the ultimate marketing tool! Scientist: If we actually had a book to sell, we'd be rich enough to buy the heavy from a brick! [[The Flamingo imagines a brick floating off into space, mentally screaming "HELP ME! HELP ME!"]] Flamingo (thinking): Bricks were not meant to go to space! Alt: SEONL was going to call itself Aging, Coked-Up Philanderers, but apparently A-CUP was taken. Pop Hits of the 90s vs. a $.10 Pen You Found in the Couch

AGORAPHOBIC HAMSTER AND FRIENDS

Agoraphobic Hamster: So how did you two start hanging out?
Chimneyfoot: We met in SEOUL.

Agoraphobic Hamster: You went to South Korea?
Chimneyfoot: No, I joined the Shape Enthusiasts Of Upper Louisiana.

Agoraphobic Hamster: You went to Louisiana?
Chimneyfoot: No; it's a club right here in town.

Agoraphobic Hamster: Then why isn't it called "Shape Enthusiasts Of New Lancaster"?
Dypsomanic Rubik's Cube: Because SEONL was already taken by Seniors Enjoying Objectionable Night Life.

<>
Agoraphobic Hamster: EEP!

Giant Ultraman-Style Robot: BUY MY BOOK. BUY MY BOOK.
Scientist: We've made the ultimate marketing tool!

Scientist: If we actually had a book to sell, we'd be rich enough to buy the heavy from a brick!

[[The Flamingo imagines a brick floating off into space, mentally screaming "HELP ME! HELP ME!"]]
Flamingo (thinking): Bricks were not meant to go to space!

Alt: SEONL was going to call itself Aging, Coked-Up Philanderers, but apparently A-CUP was taken.]]> Harsh Words Send You To A Nurse http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/22/mountain-time-447/ http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/22/mountain-time-447/ Mon, 22 Apr 2013 06:05:47 -0000 <a href="http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/22/mountain-time-447/">Harsh Words Send You To A Nurse</a> [[A guy enters a BARBER SHOP]] Guy: Hi. I'm here to... get barbed, I guess? Barber Antelope: Sorry, pal. I'm all out of haircuts. Guy: Are you sure you don't have any in the back? Barber Antelope: None. I DO have some nice pasta spoons, though. Guy: Yeah, but I can just use a fork. Barber Antelope: Psh. It's your funeral. Guy: Oh crap! Was that today? [[Guy runs into PAR FOR THE CORPSE cemetery for the average]] Guy: Wait -- this can't be my funeral! Where's Grimace? Torthos: I AM TORTHOS, EMPEROR OF THE INFERNAL REALM OF IUCUNDUM PRATI. Torthos: I HAVE RISEN MANY OF YOUR DEAD FOR MY ARMY, BUT YOUR SHALL BE THE FIRST SOUL I REND FROM LIVING HUMAN FLESH. Guy: OH Guy: MY Guy: GOD!! Guy: That barber was an antelope! Alt: HEY, ALSO, HAVE YOU SEEN MY BLADE AROUND ANYWHERE? Harsh Words Send You To A Nurse

[[A guy enters a BARBER SHOP]]

Guy: Hi. I'm here to... get barbed, I guess?
Barber Antelope: Sorry, pal. I'm all out of haircuts.

Guy: Are you sure you don't have any in the back?
Barber Antelope: None. I DO have some nice pasta spoons, though.

Guy: Yeah, but I can just use a fork.
Barber Antelope: Psh. It's your funeral.

Guy: Oh crap! Was that today?

[[Guy runs into PAR FOR THE CORPSE cemetery for the average]]

Guy: Wait -- this can't be my funeral! Where's Grimace?
Torthos: I AM TORTHOS, EMPEROR OF THE INFERNAL REALM OF IUCUNDUM PRATI.

Torthos: I HAVE RISEN MANY OF YOUR DEAD FOR MY ARMY, BUT YOUR SHALL BE THE FIRST SOUL I REND FROM LIVING HUMAN FLESH.

Guy: OH

Guy: MY

Guy: GOD!!

Guy: That barber was an antelope!

Alt: HEY, ALSO, HAVE YOU SEEN MY BLADE AROUND ANYWHERE?]]> Tuesday Is The Moon Is Tuesday http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/18/mountain-time-446/ http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/18/mountain-time-446/ Thu, 18 Apr 2013 06:05:22 -0000 <a href="http://mountaincomics.com/2013/04/18/mountain-time-446/">Tuesday Is The Moon Is Tuesday</a> Lady: Did I ever tell you about that dip? Lady: You mix a packet of taco seasoning into a pint of sour cream. Guy: Who are you? Lady: Ha! Only you would say that. Guy: Why are you giving me your watch? Lady: I just thought you should know. Guy: Look, I'm not going to keep this. Lady: Ich verstehe nicht Englisch. Sprechen Sie Chinook? Chick: Here you go. Chick: I'm going to go home and sit on some hams. [[Guy inspects his watches while Lady fades into wall]] [[Guy turns into a painter]] Guy: Time to go practice doing things in a W pattern. Alt: Did you know you can get a whole pizza for $5 at Leonardo's? You don't even need a coupon. They're having a sale today. $5 for a large pizza with pepperoni or just cheese. Tuesday Is The Moon Is Tuesday

Lady: Did I ever tell you about that dip?

Lady: You mix a packet of taco seasoning into a pint of sour cream.
Guy: Who are you?

Lady: Ha! Only you would say that.
Guy: Why are you giving me your watch?

Lady: I just thought you should know.

Guy: Look, I'm not going to keep this.

Lady: Ich verstehe nicht Englisch. Sprechen Sie Chinook?

Chick: Here you go.

Chick: I'm going to go home and sit on some hams.

[[Guy inspects his watches while Lady fades into wall]]

[[Guy turns into a painter]]

Guy: Time to go practice doing things in a W pattern.

Alt: Did you know you can get a whole pizza for $5 at Leonardo's? You don't even need a coupon. They're having a sale today. $5 for a large pizza with pepperoni or just cheese.]]>