theseopinionsarefacts - latest additions

theseopinionsarefacts - latest additions http://theseopinionsarefacts.com The latest transcribed theseopinionsarefacts comics, powered by OhNoRobot.com en-us Sat, 20 Aug 2011 02:42:02 -0000 60 Scenes from a Hat, Part 7: The Portrait of Drewrian Carey http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-7-portrait-of.html http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-7-portrait-of.html Sat, 20 Aug 2011 02:36:05 -0000 <a href="http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-7-portrait-of.html">Scenes from a Hat, Part 7: The Portrait of Drewrian Carey</a> Hat: mr. carey, this is a fantastic little yarn you're spinning here, but i don't see how the information you received from god and satan in the hat prohibits you from giving colin mochrie more screen time and rescuing my friend. Drew: well, my story isn't quite over yet... Drew: well, i'm sorry, satan, but i don't see why i should listen to you. you are the devil, after all. Satan: why, drew! don't tell me you've forgotten our deal! Drew: our deal? Satan: yes, drew. we had a deal. it all happened before you were conceived... Satan: you were still in spirit form, and hadn't yet entered your human form in the womb. Satan: drew carey! wait! Satan: before you go, drew... life down on earth is hard, you know? how would you feel about a little boost? Drew: a boost? Satan: earth is a bad place. people live and die without ever having access to the resources which will make them truly happy. america's capitalist system doesn't always work out for everybody. i, however, can guarantee your success. Drew: that sounds like a pretty good deal. Satan: and it is. most spirits passing through that womb hole there aren't courageous enough to accept an offer from the devil. they think they have what it takes to make it using only their own talent. and some of them can. but you can't. trust me. Drew: excuse me? Satan: so: i can guarantee you wealth in your adult future, and in return, i take your soul. Drew: deal. Satan: now, if you'll excuse me. if i leave now, i can catch kristen stewart on her way out. HEY! KRISTEN! Drew: is that all true? God: oh, so THAT'S why he's famous. that makes sense. God: listen to me, drew carey. you can still do the right thing and create the colin mochrie show. Satan: don't do it, drew. that will violate the terms of your agreement with me. i'll have to take away your riches. Drew: so i can either give colin mochrie screen time, further the kingdom of the god who created me, but lose all my fame and wealth, or keep being selfish and keep them? God: that's correct, my child. Satan: yep. Drew: yeah, i'm gonna keep the money. Bob Saget: hey, satan! Satan: oh, hey, bob saget. here for your next payment? Bob: yeam, man. oh, and i need another tv show, too. Satan: umm... i guess i can revive america's funniest home videos again. Bob: thanks. oh, drew carey! you're on satan's plan too? that makes sense. Scenes from a Hat, Part 7: The Portrait of Drewrian Carey

Hat: mr. carey, this is a fantastic little yarn you're spinning here, but i don't see how the information you received from god and satan in the hat prohibits you from giving colin mochrie more screen time and rescuing my friend.
Drew: well, my story isn't quite over yet...

Drew: well, i'm sorry, satan, but i don't see why i should listen to you. you are the devil, after all.
Satan: why, drew! don't tell me you've forgotten our deal!
Drew: our deal?
Satan: yes, drew. we had a deal. it all happened before you were conceived...

Satan: you were still in spirit form, and hadn't yet entered your human form in the womb.
Satan: drew carey! wait!

Satan: before you go, drew... life down on earth is hard, you know? how would you feel about a little boost?
Drew: a boost?
Satan: earth is a bad place. people live and die without ever having access to the resources which will make them truly happy. america's capitalist system doesn't always work out for everybody. i, however, can guarantee your success.

Drew: that sounds like a pretty good deal.
Satan: and it is. most spirits passing through that womb hole there aren't courageous enough to accept an offer from the devil. they think they have what it takes to make it using only their own talent. and some of them can. but you can't. trust me.
Drew: excuse me?
Satan: so: i can guarantee you wealth in your adult future, and in return, i take your soul.
Drew: deal.

Satan: now, if you'll excuse me. if i leave now, i can catch kristen stewart on her way out. HEY! KRISTEN!

Drew: is that all true?
God: oh, so THAT'S why he's famous. that makes sense.

God: listen to me, drew carey. you can still do the right thing and create the colin mochrie show.
Satan: don't do it, drew. that will violate the terms of your agreement with me. i'll have to take away your riches.

Drew: so i can either give colin mochrie screen time, further the kingdom of the god who created me, but lose all my fame and wealth, or keep being selfish and keep them?
God: that's correct, my child.
Satan: yep.

Drew: yeah, i'm gonna keep the money.

Bob Saget: hey, satan!
Satan: oh, hey, bob saget. here for your next payment?
Bob: yeam, man. oh, and i need another tv show, too.
Satan: umm... i guess i can revive america's funniest home videos again.
Bob: thanks. oh, drew carey! you're on satan's plan too? that makes sense.]]> Scenes from a Hat, Part 6: The Passion of the Col' http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-6-passion-of-col.html http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-6-passion-of-col.html Sat, 20 Aug 2011 02:23:10 -0000 <a href="http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-6-passion-of-col.html">Scenes from a Hat, Part 6: The Passion of the Col'</a> after his depressing adventure with the ghost of improv future, drew carey asked to be dropped off at the hat's exit. drew carey! wait! he was surprised to hear a voice call his name. Drew: oh. hey. how do you know my name? who are you? God: i'm floating on MY OWN FREAKING BEARD. who do you think i am? Drew: santa? God: no. drew carey, i am god, the almighty creator of the universe. Drew: god? you live in the hat? God: well, where else was i gonna live? inside seinfeld's puffy shirt? God: drew carey, i've called you into the hat, the realm from whence all good and witty ideas come, to ask you to fulfill a noble prophecy. Drew: uh, okay. what's that? God: you need to give colin mochrie more screen time. maybe a tv show of his own. you can get anything you want from abc, really. you need to create the colin mochrie show. Drew: ...what? God: i know it sounds crazy. but listen to me: colin mochrie is the messiah. Drew: ...what? God: well, only part of the messiah, really. remember how jesus was god in human form and stuff? all his traits were perfect, except for one: his sense of humor. my godly funniness didn't translate when he was born. let's face it, jesus wasn't cut out for comedy. Jesus: hey, what's black and white and read all over? Disciple: i don't know, i give up, jesus. Jesus: very little, actually, because the printing press won't be invented for over 1500 years. Disciple: oh, right... good one. God: so to make up for it, i sent down a second messiah with a divine sense of humor. colin mochrie's wit is nothing short of godly, drew carey. you could call him comic christ. now, you have a prominent nationwide platform, and you need to make sure as many people as possible hear the Word of my other, funnier son. I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU, DREW CAREY! Drew: who's that, now? IT'S SATAN Satan: drew carey, do not give colin mochrie his own tv show. that would really piss me off. Drew: what do you care if colin mochrie is prominent or not? Satan: well, it works to my advantage when funny people like colin mochrie are upstaged by people like you. colin mochrie promotes religiosity. he's one of the few things humans have left to hold onto. but when people like kevin james are rich and successful and colin mochrie is not, people tend to lose faith in the basic good of the human race. GOD HAS NO FEELINGS ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE GIVEN THAT HE DOESN'T EXIST AND STUFF 1: okay... so you're like a missionary except you're trying to spread your belief in nothing. Man: that's correct. 1: well that doesn't make any sense. Man: nothing does. drew carey is featured on improv-a-ganza rather than colin mochrie. god cannot exist. 1: oh, drew carey? he's pretty funny. Man: i now believe even more strongly in the signs i am currently holding. Scenes from a Hat, Part 6: The Passion of the Col'

after his depressing adventure with the ghost of improv future, drew carey asked to be dropped off at the hat's exit.

drew carey! wait!
he was surprised to hear a voice call his name.

Drew: oh. hey. how do you know my name? who are you?
God: i'm floating on MY OWN FREAKING BEARD. who do you think i am?
Drew: santa?
God: no. drew carey, i am god, the almighty creator of the universe.

Drew: god? you live in the hat?
God: well, where else was i gonna live? inside seinfeld's puffy shirt?

God: drew carey, i've called you into the hat, the realm from whence all good and witty ideas come, to ask you to fulfill a noble prophecy.
Drew: uh, okay. what's that?
God: you need to give colin mochrie more screen time. maybe a tv show of his own. you can get anything you want from abc, really. you need to create the colin mochrie show.

Drew: ...what?
God: i know it sounds crazy. but listen to me: colin mochrie is the messiah.
Drew: ...what?
God: well, only part of the messiah, really. remember how jesus was god in human form and stuff? all his traits were perfect, except for one: his sense of humor. my godly funniness didn't translate when he was born. let's face it, jesus wasn't cut out for comedy.

Jesus: hey, what's black and white and read all over?
Disciple: i don't know, i give up, jesus.
Jesus: very little, actually, because the printing press won't be invented for over 1500 years.
Disciple: oh, right... good one.

God: so to make up for it, i sent down a second messiah with a divine sense of humor. colin mochrie's wit is nothing short of godly, drew carey. you could call him comic christ. now, you have a prominent nationwide platform, and you need to make sure as many people as possible hear the Word of my other, funnier son.

I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU, DREW CAREY!
Drew: who's that, now?

IT'S SATAN

Satan: drew carey, do not give colin mochrie his own tv show. that would really piss me off.
Drew: what do you care if colin mochrie is prominent or not?
Satan: well, it works to my advantage when funny people like colin mochrie are upstaged by people like you. colin mochrie promotes religiosity. he's one of the few things humans have left to hold onto. but when people like kevin james are rich and successful and colin mochrie is not, people tend to lose faith in the basic good of the human race.

GOD HAS NO FEELINGS ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE GIVEN THAT HE DOESN'T EXIST AND STUFF

1: okay... so you're like a missionary except you're trying to spread your belief in nothing.
Man: that's correct.
1: well that doesn't make any sense.
Man: nothing does. drew carey is featured on improv-a-ganza rather than colin mochrie. god cannot exist.

1: oh, drew carey? he's pretty funny.
Man: i now believe even more strongly in the signs i am currently holding.]]> Scenes from a Hat, Part 5: A Christmas Carey http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-5-christmas-carey.html http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-5-christmas-carey.html Sat, 20 Aug 2011 02:13:58 -0000 <a href="http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-5-christmas-carey.html">Scenes from a Hat, Part 5: A Christmas Carey</a> Ronald: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Drew: oh... hello. Ghost: you are lucky i was here, drew carey. otherwise, you would have fallen at the hands of ronald mcjigsaw. Drew: ronald mcjigsaw. Ghost: yeah, he's a total d-bag. Drew: who are you? Ghost: i am the ghost of improv future. Drew: so are you gonna, like, do something? Ghost: oh, right. thanks for reminding me. Drew: so where are we? Ghost: we're in your home. it's christmas eve, 2013. you're throwing a party. Drew: is that me talking with colin mochrie? Colin: listen, drew. it's over. i got a very generous offer to do cookie commercials. Drew: colin, you're a great asset to the show... we need you. i can give you more screen time... Colin: you had your chance, drew carey. you had your chance. Drew: colin's leaving? why? what's happening? Ghost: are you stupid or something? you weren't giving him the screen time he needed. colin mochrie is a talented man, drew. he deserves more. Ghost: and this incident starts a chain reaction which slowly destroys your career. after colin, the funniest guy, left, improv-a-ganza's ratings dropped dramatically. without colin's support, you were never able to get another whose line clone off the ground. you slowly drifted out of the public conscience. Ghost: even your star on the hollywood walk of fame was replaced with another performer's whose fame was equally confusing. Drew: but why? why doesn't colin ever get the fortune he deserves? why am i always so much more popular and rich than him? Ghost: ... Drew: so you're just not going to say anything? that's kind of unnecessarily dramatic, don't you think? Drew: COLIN! Ghost: don't bother, he can't hear you. Drew: why not? Ghost: dude, can you imagine having two drew careys on the same planet? how horrible would that be, am i right? i shudder at the thought! but seriously, those are just cliche spirit world rules. Scenes from a Hat, Part 5: A Christmas Carey

Ronald: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Drew: oh... hello.
Ghost: you are lucky i was here, drew carey. otherwise, you would have fallen at the hands of ronald mcjigsaw.
Drew: ronald mcjigsaw.
Ghost: yeah, he's a total d-bag.

Drew: who are you?
Ghost: i am the ghost of improv future.

Drew: so are you gonna, like, do something?
Ghost: oh, right. thanks for reminding me.

Drew: so where are we?
Ghost: we're in your home. it's christmas eve, 2013. you're throwing a party.

Drew: is that me talking with colin mochrie?
Colin: listen, drew. it's over. i got a very generous offer to do cookie commercials.
Drew: colin, you're a great asset to the show... we need you. i can give you more screen time...
Colin: you had your chance, drew carey. you had your chance.

Drew: colin's leaving? why? what's happening?
Ghost: are you stupid or something? you weren't giving him the screen time he needed. colin mochrie is a talented man, drew. he deserves more.

Ghost: and this incident starts a chain reaction which slowly destroys your career. after colin, the funniest guy, left, improv-a-ganza's ratings dropped dramatically. without colin's support, you were never able to get another whose line clone off the ground. you slowly drifted out of the public conscience.

Ghost: even your star on the hollywood walk of fame was replaced with another performer's whose fame was equally confusing.

Drew: but why? why doesn't colin ever get the fortune he deserves? why am i always so much more popular and rich than him?
Ghost: ...
Drew: so you're just not going to say anything? that's kind of unnecessarily dramatic, don't you think?

Drew: COLIN!
Ghost: don't bother, he can't hear you.

Drew: why not?
Ghost: dude, can you imagine having two drew careys on the same planet? how horrible would that be, am i right? i shudder at the thought! but seriously, those are just cliche spirit world rules.]]> Scenes from a Hat, Part 4: Scarey Carey http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-4-scary-carey.html http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-4-scary-carey.html Sat, 20 Aug 2011 02:08:04 -0000 <a href="http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-4-scary-carey.html">Scenes from a Hat, Part 4: Scarey Carey</a> Drew: where... where am i? Ronald McJigsaw: rise and shine, drew carey. you're probably wondering where you are. you wandered too far into the hat. now you're in clown territory. i want to play a game. Ronald: here's what happens if you lose. the device you are wearing will... well, i'm gonna be honest, i don't know what it does. it's got a lot of spears and blades and stuff though, so i imagine it can't be good. Ronald: ther eis only one key to open the device and prevent your death. it's only a few feet in front of you. however, in between you and that key is a thin wall. i won't tell you how to break it; you're going to have to come up with a method off the top of your head. that's right, drew carey. if you want to live... Ronald: ...you're going to have to improvise your way out of this paper bag. Drew: i... i can't. Ronald: so you admit you could not improvise your way out of a paper bag? Drew: yeah... i can't do that. Ronald: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Scenes from a Hat, Part 4: Scarey Carey

Drew: where... where am i?

Ronald McJigsaw: rise and shine, drew carey. you're probably wondering where you are. you wandered too far into the hat. now you're in clown territory. i want to play a game.

Ronald: here's what happens if you lose. the device you are wearing will... well, i'm gonna be honest, i don't know what it does. it's got a lot of spears and blades and stuff though, so i imagine it can't be good.

Ronald: ther eis only one key to open the device and prevent your death. it's only a few feet in front of you. however, in between you and that key is a thin wall. i won't tell you how to break it; you're going to have to come up with a method off the top of your head. that's right, drew carey. if you want to live...

Ronald: ...you're going to have to improvise your way out of this paper bag.

Drew: i... i can't.

Ronald: so you admit you could not improvise your way out of a paper bag?

Drew: yeah... i can't do that.

Ronald: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA]]> Scenes from a Hat, Part 3: Down the Rabbit Hole http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-3-down-rabbit-hole.html http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-3-down-rabbit-hole.html Sat, 20 Aug 2011 02:03:44 -0000 <a href="http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-3-down-rabbit-hole.html">Scenes from a Hat, Part 3: Down the Rabbit Hole</a> Drew: hello, and welcome back to whose line is it anyway, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter! that's right the points are just like all the things on baywatch that aren't boobs! Audience: chuckle, forced snicker, sarcastic guffaw oh, baywatch. clever. that's really... timely. Drew: now, let's play scenes from a hat! i'm just going to reach into this hat here... Drew: let's see here... gee, the hat seems a lot deeper than it usually does. Drew: wow. how far down does this go? Drew: whoa! Audience: well, thank god! let's get colin mochrie to host this shit! Drew: where am i? Cat: hello. Drew: oh, hi... cat... where am i? Cat: you're inside the hat, of course. Cat: some people say the source of all wit is found somewhere in this hat. Drew: so, you're... just a big smiley cat? Cat: haven't you read carroll's alice in wonderland? Drew: i've seen the movie with johnny depp. Cat: oh, i... i'm so sorry. Drew: a box! EAT ME Drew: a cake! well, i should probably eat this to move the story along! 2 MINUTES LATER Drew: aren't i supposed to grow or something? Cat: you ate the cake? you would, fatty. Scenes from a Hat, Part 3: Down the Rabbit Hole

Drew: hello, and welcome back to whose line is it anyway, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter! that's right the points are just like all the things on baywatch that aren't boobs!

Audience: chuckle, forced snicker, sarcastic guffaw
oh, baywatch. clever. that's really... timely.

Drew: now, let's play scenes from a hat! i'm just going to reach into this hat here...

Drew: let's see here... gee, the hat seems a lot deeper than it usually does.

Drew: wow. how far down does this go?

Drew: whoa!

Audience: well, thank god! let's get colin mochrie to host this shit!

Drew: where am i?

Cat: hello.

Drew: oh, hi... cat... where am i?

Cat: you're inside the hat, of course.

Cat: some people say the source of all wit is found somewhere in this hat.

Drew: so, you're... just a big smiley cat?
Cat: haven't you read carroll's alice in wonderland?
Drew: i've seen the movie with johnny depp.
Cat: oh, i... i'm so sorry.

Drew: a box!

EAT ME

Drew: a cake! well, i should probably eat this to move the story along!

2 MINUTES LATER

Drew: aren't i supposed to grow or something?

Cat: you ate the cake? you would, fatty.]]> Scenes from a Hat, Part 2: The Pool of Tears http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-2-pool-of-tears.html http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-2-pool-of-tears.html Sat, 20 Aug 2011 01:59:40 -0000 <a href="http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-2-pool-of-tears.html">Scenes from a Hat, Part 2: The Pool of Tears</a> Man: you know what? i've come to terms with drew carey's fame. Hat: that's good news... Man: because if drew carey is famous, and colin mochrie doesn't get any screen time, then there must not be a god. there is no justice in this world, and i can't convince myself that there is somebody up in the clouds who cares about humans if somebody as untalented as drew carey gets like six tv shows. Hat: and you're sure you aren't overreacting a little bit? Man: look around you. we're living in a commercial, material society whose only veritable artistic output is the cinema, and even there, the twilight films and whatever james cameron's most recent and expensive "epic" is are making the most money. everything is empty. drew carey's fortune is proof of god's nonexistence. Hat: i'm sorry you feel that way. Man: feel? i have never been more sure about my religious views. Hat: so you're agnostic now. Man: not even. from now on, i am a full-blown atheist. Hat: wow, i didn't know this was so serious. Man: now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go contemplate meaninglessness. Drew: hello? Man: hello, drew carey? Drew: that's me. Man: i was calling to ask if you would consider giving colin mochrie more screen time on your latest improv program. you see, i have a friend... Drew: what's that? Man: what's what? Drew: a friend. Man: what? oh, a friend is... someone you like to spend time with. Drew: interesting. can i buy one? Man: no, not really. Drew: that's odd. Man: ...right. anyway, you're much more successful than colin mochrie, who is much more talented than you, and this has caused my friend to denounce his religion. Drew: oh, another one of these calls. listen, i'd love to help your "friend" out, but i can't. Man: why not? Drew: well, that's complicated. Man: i have time. Drew: alright. keep in mind that i've never told this story to anyone before. it all started on the whose line set... Scenes from a Hat, Part 2: The Pool of Tears

Man: you know what? i've come to terms with drew carey's fame.
Hat: that's good news...
Man: because if drew carey is famous, and colin mochrie doesn't get any screen time, then there must not be a god. there is no justice in this world, and i can't convince myself that there is somebody up in the clouds who cares about humans if somebody as untalented as drew carey gets like six tv shows.

Hat: and you're sure you aren't overreacting a little bit?
Man: look around you. we're living in a commercial, material society whose only veritable artistic output is the cinema, and even there, the twilight films and whatever james cameron's most recent and expensive "epic" is are making the most money. everything is empty. drew carey's fortune is proof of god's nonexistence.

Hat: i'm sorry you feel that way.
Man: feel? i have never been more sure about my religious views.
Hat: so you're agnostic now.
Man: not even. from now on, i am a full-blown atheist.
Hat: wow, i didn't know this was so serious.

Man: now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go contemplate meaninglessness.

Drew: hello?
Man: hello, drew carey?
Drew: that's me.
Man: i was calling to ask if you would consider giving colin mochrie more screen time on your latest improv program. you see, i have a friend...
Drew: what's that?
Man: what's what?
Drew: a friend.
Man: what? oh, a friend is... someone you like to spend time with.
Drew: interesting. can i buy one?
Man: no, not really.
Drew: that's odd.

Man: ...right. anyway, you're much more successful than colin mochrie, who is much more talented than you, and this has caused my friend to denounce his religion.
Drew: oh, another one of these calls. listen, i'd love to help your "friend" out, but i can't.
Man: why not?
Drew: well, that's complicated.
Man: i have time.
Drew: alright. keep in mind that i've never told this story to anyone before. it all started on the whose line set...]]> Scenes from a Hat, Part 1: Prologue http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-1-prologue.html http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-1-prologue.html Sat, 20 Aug 2011 01:54:00 -0000 <a href="http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/scenes-from-hat-part-1-prologue.html">Scenes from a Hat, Part 1: Prologue</a> Hat: oh, hey. what are you watching? Man: drew carey's improv-a-ganza. i've been waiting months for this. it's basically a ripoff of whose line is it anyway, featuring all the old cast members, like colin mochrie and ryan stiles. i'm so happy about this. ever since whose line went off the air, my life has been devoid of meaning. Man: see, look! they're doing greatest hits now! there's ryan stiles on the left, on the right is colin mochrie... wait. that's not colin mochrie. is that... is that drew carey? Ryan: Hi, I'm Neve Campbell. Drew: And I'm Campbell Soup! Ryan: Oh really? What flavor? Drew: Chicken noodle! Man: what? Man: OH MY GOD! Man: what is he doing? he's ruining it! that's COLIN'S spot! and i would be okay with it if drew were funny but he's NOT! HE'S JUST NOT! HOW DID HE GET SO MUCH MONEY ANYWAY? IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! Hat: oh, i'm sorry, man... listen, it'll be okay... i'm sure you'll get to see colin mochrie perform again... Man: *sob* Hat: well, you're my friend, and i'm going to do whatever it takes to fix this for you. Hat: that drew carey is gonna get what's coming to him. SCENES FROM A HAT: the story of drew carey's redemption Scenes from a Hat, Part 1: Prologue

Hat: oh, hey. what are you watching?
Man: drew carey's improv-a-ganza. i've been waiting months for this. it's basically a ripoff of whose line is it anyway, featuring all the old cast members, like colin mochrie and ryan stiles. i'm so happy about this. ever since whose line went off the air, my life has been devoid of meaning.

Man: see, look! they're doing greatest hits now! there's ryan stiles on the left, on the right is colin mochrie... wait. that's not colin mochrie. is that... is that drew carey?

Ryan: Hi, I'm Neve Campbell.
Drew: And I'm Campbell Soup!
Ryan: Oh really? What flavor?
Drew: Chicken noodle!

Man: what?

Man: OH MY GOD!

Man: what is he doing? he's ruining it! that's COLIN'S spot! and i would be okay with it if drew were funny but he's NOT! HE'S JUST NOT! HOW DID HE GET SO MUCH MONEY ANYWAY? IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!

Hat: oh, i'm sorry, man... listen, it'll be okay... i'm sure you'll get to see colin mochrie perform again...
Man: *sob*
Hat: well, you're my friend, and i'm going to do whatever it takes to fix this for you.

Hat: that drew carey is gonna get what's coming to him.

SCENES FROM A HAT: the story of drew carey's redemption]]> This Doesn't Make Any Spider-Sense http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/this-doesnt-make-any-spider-sense.html http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/this-doesnt-make-any-spider-sense.html Sat, 20 Aug 2011 01:48:24 -0000 <a href="http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/this-doesnt-make-any-spider-sense.html">This Doesn't Make Any Spider-Sense</a> 1: you know what doesn't make any sense to me? superman takes off his glasses and styles his hair a bit differently, and all of a sudden no one can recognize him. that's unrealistic. 2: you know what doesn't make any sense to me? this guy can fly and is resistant to bullets, and his only weakness is a rock, and the unrealistic thing you protest is his eyewear? 1: you know what doesn't make any sense to me? i keep reading these comic books even though i don't get anything out of it. they don't stave off my depression at all. why do i continue? 2: it doesn't make any sense to me that i'm still with sherry. that relationship stopped making me happy a long time ago. 1: you wanna do something later: 2: i don't see the point. This Doesn't Make Any Spider-Sense

1: you know what doesn't make any sense to me? superman takes off his glasses and styles his hair a bit differently, and all of a sudden no one can recognize him. that's unrealistic.
2: you know what doesn't make any sense to me? this guy can fly and is resistant to bullets, and his only weakness is a rock, and the unrealistic thing you protest is his eyewear?

1: you know what doesn't make any sense to me? i keep reading these comic books even though i don't get anything out of it. they don't stave off my depression at all. why do i continue?
2: it doesn't make any sense to me that i'm still with sherry. that relationship stopped making me happy a long time ago.

1: you wanna do something later:
2: i don't see the point.]]> Lady MaGaGa http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/lady-magaga.html http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/lady-magaga.html Sat, 20 Aug 2011 01:45:49 -0000 <a href="http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/lady-magaga.html">Lady MaGaGa</a> Man: oh, hey, lady gaga. Man: is that... is that a pig? Lady GaGa: LA LA GA GA GA MUH MUH MUH MUH Lady GaGa: PUH PUH OOH LA LA WHOA OH OH OH Man: STOP WASHING YOUR PIG LIKE THAT, LADY GAGA! Lady GaGa: HEY! i'm just being who i am! Man: listen, if you wanna wash your pig in the privacy of your own home, i don't care. but there's just no reason for you to be so loud and obnoxious about it. Lady GaGa: HEY EVERYBODY! THIS GUY'S BEING IGNORANT! Monsters: don't worry, lady gaga! we support your being different from everybody! we'll buy your hogwash! Lady GaGa: thanks, little monsters. i'm gonna go now. Man: ...wow. why do you guys idolize her? Monster: we're too young to know who madonna is. Lady MaGaGa

Man: oh, hey, lady gaga.

Man: is that... is that a pig?

Lady GaGa: LA LA GA GA GA MUH MUH MUH MUH

Lady GaGa: PUH PUH OOH LA LA WHOA OH OH OH

Man: STOP WASHING YOUR PIG LIKE THAT, LADY GAGA!

Lady GaGa: HEY! i'm just being who i am!
Man: listen, if you wanna wash your pig in the privacy of your own home, i don't care. but there's just no reason for you to be so loud and obnoxious about it.

Lady GaGa: HEY EVERYBODY! THIS GUY'S BEING IGNORANT!

Monsters: don't worry, lady gaga! we support your being different from everybody! we'll buy your hogwash!

Lady GaGa: thanks, little monsters. i'm gonna go now.

Man: ...wow. why do you guys idolize her?

Monster: we're too young to know who madonna is.]]> The Rapture, Part 7: The Gate http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/rapture-part-7-gate.html http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/rapture-part-7-gate.html Sat, 20 Aug 2011 01:42:14 -0000 <a href="http://theseopinionsarefacts.com/2011/06/rapture-part-7-gate.html">The Rapture, Part 7: The Gate</a> Todd: so... you wanna go do something? Man in heaven: we can see that documentary about Jesus again. ZAP both: oh, hey jesus. Jesus: hello, my children. Todd: did you end up talking to the humans, jesus? Jesus: yes, my child. you were right to say they deserved a second chance after they failed the tilt-a-whirl test. Todd: wow! so have they changed? Jesus: they have been shown The Way; whether they choose to do what is right lies with them. that's free will. Jesus: in 5 months, after the apocalypse, judgment day will come. wait by the gate and meet your friends who have chosen to change. 5 MONTHS LATER.. FIN The Rapture, Part 7: The Gate

Todd: so... you wanna go do something?
Man in heaven: we can see that documentary about Jesus again.

ZAP

both: oh, hey jesus.

Jesus: hello, my children.
Todd: did you end up talking to the humans, jesus?

Jesus: yes, my child. you were right to say they deserved a second chance after they failed the tilt-a-whirl test.

Todd: wow! so have they changed?
Jesus: they have been shown The Way; whether they choose to do what is right lies with them. that's free will.

Jesus: in 5 months, after the apocalypse, judgment day will come. wait by the gate and meet your friends who have chosen to change.

5 MONTHS LATER..

FIN]]>