Thinkin' Lincoln - latest additions

Bangkok

Bangkok
";
Lincoln: Kids! Are you totally bored of learning stuff? But you don't want to get bad grades and your mom all yelling at you and you don't get any more Nintendos?

Lincoln: The secret is that there's secret dirty jokes hidden in like all the subjects!
Like, take world geography. Boring, right? NO! I mean, come on there's a city in this world called Bangkok!

Charles Darwin: You think that's funny, kids, you should hear Bangkok's actual, official name!

Charles Darwin: The city's official name is Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit, no word of a lie!

Charles Darwin: Which translates to The city of angels, the great city, the eternal jewel city, the impregnable city of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukam, can you believe it!?

Lincoln: <>

Charles Darwin: What! I thought... I thought "Bangkok" was funny because knowledge is fun. We can't teach geography to kids anymore!

{{alt. text: This is what you get when I got 3 hours of sleep last night, jokes about the real name of Bangkok.}}

Loving Lovers in Love

Loving Lovers in Love
";
[[Abe is running whilst talking to himself.]]
Abe: Man. Way to go. You really are like the biggest of all Cassanovas all right.

Abe: "I'm Abe Lincoln. I think I'll awkwardly hang around and stare at the wall like a weirdo creep until the girl I like has to politely show me to the door."

[[Taft appears in the background, apparently in a compromising situation with a woman. Abe stops, his silhouette in the foreground.]]
Abe: OK what is this crock.

Abe: Hey love-jerks, get a room!

[[Taft turns around.]]
Taft: Oh, hey Lincoln. I don't think you've met my wife--

[[Abe has his eyes closed. He's shouting.]]
Abe: A room with thick lead walls! And it's inside a bigger room! And that room turns out to be a room inside your own mind and it was all a crazy dream!

{{Title text: Guys Helen Herron Taft had totally crazy hair. Armed with this knowledge, you are now ready to go into the world and impress your friends and relatives.}}

Log Cabin Politics

Log Cabin Politics
";
George: I should buy a new house. I'm getting tired of all these tourists at Mount Vernon all the time.

Abe: I could make you one. I've made houses before. Save you some money.

George: What, like a log cabin? I don't want a house made of logs, man. Honestly I don't think I want anything I own to be made of logs.

Abe: Watch what you say about logs you son of a ditch!
George: Face it, dude. Logs blow.

SOME TIME LATER
[[A giant destructive robot made of logs walks forward. At the end of one arm is a giant wooden sledgehammer. At the end of the other, a nasty-looking saw.]]
<>

[[Giant log robot violently crashes its sledgehammer hand through the roof of a building that is presumably the house at Mount Vernon.]]
<>

[[The giant robot stands in the foreground. If giant log robots could look pleased with themselves, that is exactly what the robot would be doing right now. George has a horrified look on his face.]]
Abe: Love the new house, George. That skylight is a nice touch.

{{Title text: George Washington's mother was a ditch and his father was a basilisk. True story.}}

Log Cabin Politics

Misunderutilized Words

Misunderutilized Words
";
Abe Lincoln: What I'm saying is I know all these cool words that I never get to use and it ticks my clock!
Abe Lincoln: Like, "vex" is a cool word, but when do I ever get to say that?

Young Martha Washington: You could use it right now. Wouldn't you say that this situation is pretty vexing?

Abe Lincoln: OR like "slake," that's a cool word.
Young Martha Washington: Slake?
Abe Lincoln: As in slaking your thirst?

Young Martha Washington: Right. Well I think there probably isn't really any context where you can use "slake" and not sound creepy.

Abe Lincoln: What are you talking about! Listen to this!
Abe Lincoln: HEY SWEET DARLIN' LETS OBTAIN SOME GUSHING FLUIDS

Abe Lincoln: FOR SLAKING PURPOSES

{{title text: How come only old timey villains ever get to slake anything}}

The Hunger

The Hunger
";
Norton (Dazed): huuuuhh

Lincoln (Shocked): Whoa, Emperor Norton! Are you all right, dude?

Lincoln (As a ham): You don't look so good!

Norton (Salivating): So... hungry...

Lincoln (Shocked with sandwich): Oh geez dude! I forgot you are basically a hobo! You, uh, want this sandwich?

Lincoln (As a ham with a smaller ham): I guess it wasn't really nice to make it in front of you.

I'm a Sole Man

I'm a Sole Man
";
Lincoln: Ughhh! I would sell my soul to the devil right now for a waffle cone!

<>

El Tiburablo: Hey, what's up. Listen, do you have any delicious fish souls instead maybe? I honestly don't got much to do with a grundy old soul like yours.

Lincoln: Do fish even have souls?

El Tiburablo: Yeah I think so!

El Tiburablo: Pretty sure, yeah.

[[Blank look on El Tiburablo's face]]

El Tiburablo: Gosh I really hope so.

De Oratore

De Oratore
";
[[Skeleton Shakespeare is approaching from the background.]] LINCOLN: Look everybody, here comes Skeleton Shakespeare!

JOSE de SAN MARTIN/QUEEN ELIZABETH II/DARWIN: He's the guy who's so popular and confident because of all the great words he invented!

THE CROWD: SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH
SKELETON SHAKESPEARE: Uh...

SKELETON SHAKESPEARE: Quick William! Think of a speech to say! Um... my fellow Americans, I uh... I promise you a made-up word in every pot!

THE CROWD: Woooo! Yeah! Go Shakespeare!
LINCOLN: He's an American hero!

[[Skeleton Shakespeare in front of the U.S. flag.]]
[[SHAKESPEARE: SO AMERICAN]]

Mother Knows Best

Mother Knows Best
";
Skeleton Shakespeare: William you are just the biggest of all failures. Being a failure is the only thing you're good at all.

<
Mother Skeleton Shakespeare: William Skeleton Shakespeare!

Mother Skeleton Shakespeare: Nobody knows who invented all those words. It might as well be you! People will like you if you invented words they like, so get out there and tell people about your words! Go on, do what your imaginary mother tells you!

Skeleton Shakespeare as narrator: OK, MOM.
Skeleton Shakespeare: George Washington! You should like me because I invented words you like! Th-that's logical right?

George Washington: I'm listening...

Skeleton Shakespeare: Um, well! I invented the word "obscene". And "foul-mouthed"!
George Washington (O.S.): Go on...
Skeleton Shakespeare: I also invented, um, "arouse" and "undress".
George Washington (O.S.): Hot dog! Somebody get this guy a parade!

{{Go do what your imaginary, completely horrifying mother tells you!}}

Wordsmith

Wordsmith
";
Skeleton Shakespeare: Hey!

Abraham Lincoln: Huh! What?

Shakespeare: Eep! Sorry!
Um...
OK William, you can do this. You can tell the world you are not bad.

[ Shakespeare leans forward in self-assertion ]
Shakespeare: I'm William Shakespeare! I am not a terrible fellow very much! No. I am good! I am qualified! I am appropriate! I invented all kinds of great words like "majestic" and "champion" and "excellent"!!!

Abe: Uh, actually, it's pretty disputed that you necessarily invented all those words. And even if you did, most of them are made by taking a word that already was one and changing it into an adverb or whatever.

Shakespeare [ defeated posture ]: I also invented the word "worthless."

{{Alt/Title text: It's all true, ladies and gentlemen! Arguably.}}