Whispered Apologies - latest additions

Whispered Apologies - latest additions http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/ The latest transcribed Whispered Apologies comics, powered by OhNoRobot.com en-us Sun, 19 Apr 2009 20:59:10 -0000 60 Goodbye, Mr Finnigan. http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000077.html http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000077.html Tue, 30 May 2006 13:53:24 -0000 <a href="http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000077.html">Goodbye, Mr Finnigan.</a> Guy: Sarah, I left it by the tree in the park. Sarah: NO! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK YOUVE TAKEN SAMMY'S TOYS AND LOST THEM! I AM SICK OF DATING SOME KIND OF LOSER MAN-CHILD! GET OUT! [[Guy walks alone down a street]] Narration: You contemplate a lot when you lose the people you love. It forces you to take another look at your values... Guy: ...realize what you've taken for granted... ...and what you must give up to know whether it's truly yours. [[Guy waves to his pet fish which is in a fish bowl that appears to have a rocket like contraption attached to its underside. The fish bowl (containing the fish) is blasting into the sky.]] Guy: Goodbye Mr Finnegan. I hope you come back to me one day. Narration: Meanwhile... [[a small childrens bucket and shovel lay in the grass beside a tree.]] Tree (thinks): What the... AGAIN with the bucket?! Goodbye, Mr Finnigan.

Guy: Sarah, I left it by the tree in the park.

Sarah: NO!
THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK YOUVE TAKEN SAMMY'S TOYS AND LOST THEM!
I AM SICK OF DATING SOME KIND OF LOSER MAN-CHILD!
GET OUT!

[[Guy walks alone down a street]]
Narration: You contemplate a lot when you lose the people you love.
It forces you to take another look at your values...

Guy: ...realize what you've taken for granted...
...and what you must give up to know whether it's truly yours.

[[Guy waves to his pet fish which is in a fish bowl that appears to have a rocket like contraption attached to its underside. The fish bowl (containing the fish) is blasting into the sky.]]

Guy: Goodbye Mr Finnegan.
I hope you come back to me one day.

Narration: Meanwhile...

[[a small childrens bucket and shovel lay in the grass beside a tree.]]

Tree (thinks): What the...
AGAIN with the bucket?!]]> And All The Silly Things http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000074.html http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000074.html Tue, 30 May 2006 13:53:14 -0000 <a href="http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000074.html">And All The Silly Things</a> Narrator: And all the silly things we think could never happen... [[scene: small city on horizon in twilight]] Man [[not shown, thought bubble emanating from city]]:There are moments that we build up in our minds to be so terrible that... Man [[not shown, speech bubble emanating from city]]: When they... Man [[not shown, speechbubble emanating from city]]: Happen... Man[[shown close up on face]]: We feel relieved. [[Man is seen to be some kind of soldier in battle with blasts shown behind him]] Man: I wonder if that's what death is like. And All The Silly Things

Narrator: And all the silly things we think could never happen...

[[scene: small city on horizon in twilight]]

Man [[not shown, thought bubble emanating from city]]:There are moments that we build up in our minds to be so terrible that...

Man [[not shown, speech bubble emanating from city]]: When they...

Man [[not shown, speechbubble emanating from city]]: Happen...

Man[[shown close up on face]]: We feel relieved.

[[Man is seen to be some kind of soldier in battle with blasts shown behind him]]
Man: I wonder if that's what death is like.]]> Instructions For Use http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000066.html http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000066.html Tue, 30 May 2006 13:53:07 -0000 <a href="http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000066.html">Instructions For Use</a> Instructions for Use Step 1: Place crossbar across screws, taking care to align screws on device body with holes in crossbar. When properly configured, device will resemble a letter "H." Step 2: Secure crossbar to device, using included nuts. Step 3: Tighten all nuts and lubricate all joints. Step 4: insert device into lead casing. Step 5: Rotate top-most lever counter-clockwise three times to activate countdown. Step 6: Don protective hazard suit (sold separately). Step 7: Fixate on digital readout as it cycles inexorably backward toward zero. Step 8: Discover a world of perfect solitude. Step 9: Revisit old haunts. Imagine the people you once knew; imagine the schedules they no longer adhere to, the spaces they no longer occupy. Delight in their absence. Step 10: Masturbate in the cafeteria of the office building where you worked, secure in the knowledge that you cannot be arrested, or fired, or laughed at. Never again. H Step 11: Burn down the office building. (Incendiary kit included with deluxe model.) Step 12: Sift through the wreckage, awed by what you have done. Laugh nervously. Step 13: Hyperventilate until you collapse on the charred remains of the receptionist's desk. Weep plump tears of remorse into the soft grey ash. Step 14: Remember women. Step 15: Remember the hands of your first lover; recall how her touch was graceless, yet perfectly gentle, within the warm safey of your childhood bed. Her lips were sweet and her tongue was sweeter, but you could never quite pronounce her name. You could never take your mind from her misplaced "h," even as she disappeared beneath the blanket to elicit from you a mishmash of unintelligible vowels. You were seventeen, and still your walls were festooned with cartoon robots and cartoon bears; they danced to your love-howls until her blushing smile resurfaced. You refused to kiss her afterward, afraid you would taste yourself on her breath. Every sentence you spoke to her began the same way: "I," you would say. Always "I." IIIIIIIIIIIIIII... Step 16: Begin to lose the thread of your own narrative. To whom were you speaking, with such impeccable grammar? Step 17: Look for pattherns. Step 18: Equip the enclosed secret decoder ring. Step 19: Lose yourself in mathematics. Numbers hold truth without nhames. Only numbers can fill the long, lonely hours. Step 20: Lose capacity for speech. Spend three hours silently mouthing words at your distorted reflection in a strip of chrome. Step 21: Send three Proof of Purchase symbols to: Absence of God Mailaway Offer C/O Annihilodyne Industries 2423 Vagabond Pk. Columbus, OH 43085 Step 22: Discover the absence of God. Step 23: Scrawl your fondest memory accross every wall. Step 24: Rotate top-most lever counter-clockwise three times to activate countdown. Step 25: Remove protective hazard suit. Step 26: Fixate on digital readout as it cycles inexorably backward toward H. Money Back Guarantee If you are not completely satisfied with your dystopian solitude, simply return your Society Annihilation Device to retailer of purchase for a full refund.* *Offer valid only within thirty (30) days of purchase. Instructions For Use

Instructions for Use

Step 1: Place crossbar across screws, taking care to align screws on device body with holes in crossbar. When properly configured, device will resemble a letter "H."

Step 2: Secure crossbar to device, using included nuts.

Step 3: Tighten all nuts and lubricate all joints.

Step 4: insert device into lead casing.

Step 5: Rotate top-most lever counter-clockwise three times to activate countdown.

Step 6: Don protective hazard suit (sold separately).

Step 7: Fixate on digital readout as it cycles inexorably backward toward zero.

Step 8: Discover a world of perfect solitude.

Step 9: Revisit old haunts. Imagine the people you once knew; imagine the schedules they no longer adhere to, the spaces they no longer occupy. Delight in their absence.

Step 10: Masturbate in the cafeteria of the office building where you worked, secure in the knowledge that you cannot be arrested, or fired, or laughed at. Never again. H

Step 11: Burn down the office building. (Incendiary kit included with deluxe model.)

Step 12: Sift through the wreckage, awed by what you have done. Laugh nervously.

Step 13: Hyperventilate until you collapse on the charred remains of the receptionist's desk. Weep plump tears of remorse into the soft grey ash.

Step 14: Remember women.

Step 15: Remember the hands of your first lover; recall how her touch was graceless, yet perfectly gentle, within the warm safey of your childhood bed. Her lips were sweet and her tongue was sweeter, but you could never quite pronounce her name. You could never take your mind from her misplaced "h," even as she disappeared beneath the blanket to elicit from you a mishmash of unintelligible vowels. You were seventeen, and still your walls were festooned with cartoon robots and cartoon bears; they danced to your love-howls until her blushing smile resurfaced. You refused to kiss her afterward, afraid you would taste yourself on her breath. Every sentence you spoke to her began the same way: "I," you would say. Always "I." IIIIIIIIIIIIIII...

Step 16: Begin to lose the thread of your own narrative. To whom were you speaking, with such impeccable grammar?

Step 17: Look for pattherns.

Step 18: Equip the enclosed secret decoder ring.

Step 19: Lose yourself in mathematics. Numbers hold truth without nhames. Only numbers can fill the long, lonely hours.

Step 20: Lose capacity for speech. Spend three hours silently mouthing words at your distorted reflection in a strip of chrome.

Step 21: Send three Proof of Purchase symbols to:

Absence of God Mailaway Offer
C/O Annihilodyne Industries
2423 Vagabond Pk.
Columbus, OH 43085

Step 22: Discover the absence of God.

Step 23: Scrawl your fondest memory accross every wall.

Step 24: Rotate top-most lever counter-clockwise three times to activate countdown.

Step 25: Remove protective hazard suit.

Step 26: Fixate on digital readout as it cycles inexorably backward toward H.

Money Back Guarantee

If you are not completely satisfied with your dystopian solitude, simply return your Society Annihilation Device to retailer of purchase for a full refund.*

*Offer valid only within thirty (30) days of purchase.]]> Infinite Canvas Ahoy http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000062.html http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000062.html Tue, 30 May 2006 13:52:58 -0000 <a href="http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000062.html">Infinite Canvas Ahoy</a> [[series of 9 panels showing a stone (?) descending through blue sky (?) until it reaches sandy ground, and becomes cracked]] ohhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh ff fffffffffffffffffffffffff FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUU CCCCCCCCCCCCC CCCCKKKKKKKKK KK dang it Infinite Canvas Ahoy

[[series of 9 panels showing a stone (?) descending through blue sky (?) until it reaches sandy ground, and becomes cracked]]

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhh ff

fffffffffffffffffffffffff

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUU

CCCCCCCCCCCCC

CCCCKKKKKKKKK

KK dang it]]> Camel http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000061.html http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000061.html Tue, 30 May 2006 13:52:55 -0000 <a href="http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000061.html">Camel</a> [[A camel in silhouette]] camel mother fucking crossing [[Zoom out, a triangular "yeild" sign with the image of a camel is visible]] time Camel

[[A camel in silhouette]]
camel

mother

fucking

crossing

[[Zoom out, a triangular "yeild" sign with the image of a camel is visible]] time]]> The First Page Of The Greatest Love Story Ever Written http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000060.html http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000060.html Tue, 30 May 2006 13:52:51 -0000 <a href="http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000060.html">The First Page Of The Greatest Love Story Ever Written</a> [[A giant wearing nothing but shorts, on a road leading from a beach. A woman at his feet.]] GREETINGS! I AM THE FROM THE LAND OF GIANTS. ALSO I AM NEW IN TOWN. COULD YOU SHOW ME AROUND? IT GETS LONELY SOMETIMES IN THE LAND OF GIANTS. [[The woman appears amazed.]] Oh my God! A giant! This is incredible! Of course! I'd love to show you around! [[The giant grins]] The First Page Of The Greatest Love Story Ever Written

[[A giant wearing nothing but shorts, on a road leading from a beach. A woman at his feet.]]
GREETINGS! I AM THE FROM THE LAND OF GIANTS. ALSO I AM NEW IN TOWN. COULD YOU SHOW ME AROUND? IT GETS LONELY SOMETIMES IN THE LAND OF GIANTS.

[[The woman appears amazed.]]
Oh my God! A giant! This is incredible!
Of course! I'd love to show you around!

[[The giant grins]]]]> Here Comes The Projection Fairy http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000057.html http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000057.html Tue, 30 May 2006 13:52:40 -0000 <a href="http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000057.html">Here Comes The Projection Fairy</a> NARRATION (SONG): HERE COMES THE PROJECTION FAAAAAAIRY! PROJECTION FAIRY: DOOT-DOO-DOOOOO! FRANK: AH HELL. PROJECTION FAIRY: HI FRANK! FRANK: HIYA MARY. HOW ARE YA? PROJECTION FAIRY/MARY: TERRIBLE! BUT I GUESS THAT'S JUST THE HAND I'VE BEEN DEALT, RIGHT? FRANK: WHAT'S... *SIGH* WHAT'S WRONG THIS TIME? PROJECTION FAIRY: OH, IT'S TOM. JULIE TOLD ME HE'S BEEN FLIRTING WITH THE GIRLS AT HIS JOB MORE AND MORE. AND I GUESS THERE'S A RUMOR GOING AROUND THAT HE AND THIS GIRL, ASHLEY WERE CAUGHT KISSING IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET THEY HAVE THERE. FRANK: WELL, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME HE'S DONE SOMETHING LIKE THIS, IS IT? PROJECTION FAIRY: ...NO. FRANK: YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM! BEFORE HE DOES SOMETHING TO REALLY HURT YOU. YOU NEED A BETTER GUY, MARY. I COULD TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU SHOULD BE. FRANK: I... I CAN'T LEAVE HIM, FRANK! HE'S JUST BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS! AND BESIDES, YOU'RE THE BEST FRIEND I'VE GOT, FRANK. YOU KNOW WE SHOULDN'T RUIN THAT. OH, AND COULD YOU COME OVER AND LOOK AT MY COMPUTER? IT'S FREEZING UP AGAIN. FRANK: UH. YEAH. OKAY, SURE. [[PROJECTION FAIRY RIDES OFF]] PROJECTION FAIRY: DOOT-DOO-DOOOOOO! FRANK: MAN, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER, TOO. MY FRIENDS ARE NEVER GONNA LET ME LIVE THIS DOWN. SOME FRIEND OF FRANK: YOU'RE SUCH A TOOL, DUDE. Here Comes The Projection Fairy

NARRATION (SONG): HERE COMES THE PROJECTION FAAAAAAIRY!

PROJECTION FAIRY: DOOT-DOO-DOOOOO!

FRANK: AH HELL.

PROJECTION FAIRY: HI FRANK!

FRANK: HIYA MARY. HOW ARE YA?

PROJECTION FAIRY/MARY: TERRIBLE! BUT I GUESS THAT'S JUST THE HAND I'VE BEEN DEALT, RIGHT?

FRANK: WHAT'S... *SIGH* WHAT'S WRONG THIS TIME?

PROJECTION FAIRY: OH, IT'S TOM. JULIE TOLD ME HE'S BEEN FLIRTING WITH THE GIRLS AT HIS JOB MORE AND MORE.
AND I GUESS THERE'S A RUMOR GOING AROUND THAT HE AND THIS GIRL, ASHLEY WERE CAUGHT KISSING IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET THEY HAVE THERE.

FRANK: WELL, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME HE'S DONE SOMETHING LIKE THIS, IS IT?

PROJECTION FAIRY: ...NO.

FRANK: YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM! BEFORE HE DOES SOMETHING TO REALLY HURT YOU. YOU NEED A BETTER GUY, MARY. I COULD TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU SHOULD BE.

FRANK: I... I CAN'T LEAVE HIM, FRANK! HE'S JUST BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS! AND BESIDES, YOU'RE THE BEST FRIEND I'VE GOT, FRANK. YOU KNOW WE SHOULDN'T RUIN THAT.
OH, AND COULD YOU COME OVER AND LOOK AT MY COMPUTER? IT'S FREEZING UP AGAIN.

FRANK: UH. YEAH. OKAY, SURE.

[[PROJECTION FAIRY RIDES OFF]]
PROJECTION FAIRY: DOOT-DOO-DOOOOOO!

FRANK: MAN, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER, TOO.
MY FRIENDS ARE NEVER GONNA LET ME LIVE THIS DOWN.

SOME FRIEND OF FRANK: YOU'RE SUCH A TOOL, DUDE.]]> My Girlfriend Is Pregnant http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000055.html http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000055.html Tue, 30 May 2006 13:52:35 -0000 <a href="http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000055.html">My Girlfriend Is Pregnant</a> Guy #1: My girlfriend is pregnant. Yes. Guy #2 (off screen): I take it this is unexpected? Guy #1: Well, not entirely unexpected. We were using the withdrawal method. Guy #2: That's a terrible method of birth control. Guy #1: I know. I guess maybe we just wanted a child, subconsciously? Guy#2: You're arguing this after the fact. Guy #1: Maybe it's fate? [[Guy #1 and Guy#2 are hugging]] Guy #2: That's still arguing it after the fact. [[Caption]] Moral: babies! {{Moral: whatever!}} My Girlfriend Is Pregnant

Guy #1: My girlfriend is pregnant.
Yes.

Guy #2 (off screen): I take it this is unexpected?

Guy #1: Well, not entirely unexpected. We were using the withdrawal method.

Guy #2: That's a terrible method of birth control.

Guy #1: I know. I guess maybe we just wanted a child, subconsciously?

Guy#2: You're arguing this after the fact.

Guy #1: Maybe it's fate?

[[Guy #1 and Guy#2 are hugging]]
Guy #2: That's still arguing it after the fact.

[[Caption]] Moral: babies!

{{Moral: whatever!}}]]> Some Distressed Text http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000052.html http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000052.html Tue, 30 May 2006 13:52:21 -0000 <a href="http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000052.html">Some Distressed Text</a> [[A punk boy in a bright blue shirt that reads: "feminists do it better" looks at the reader. His mouth is dripping blood and he is grinning. He catches the dripping blood in his right hand.]] some distressed text [[Zooms in to his face]] blah blah [[Zooms in on his mouth]] whatever Some Distressed Text

[[A punk boy in a bright blue shirt that reads: "feminists do it better" looks at the reader. His mouth is dripping blood and he is grinning. He catches the dripping blood in his right hand.]]
some distressed text

[[Zooms in to his face]]
blah blah

[[Zooms in on his mouth]]
whatever]]> Is That A Four Leaf Clover? http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000050.html http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000050.html Tue, 30 May 2006 13:52:12 -0000 <a href="http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/000050.html">Is That A Four Leaf Clover?</a> [[young man 1 and a young woman 1 stand on a rock on the right side]] Shit. Is that a four leaf clover? [[Young woman 2 and young man 2 stand on another rock, young man 2 making a waving/come here gesture]] Hey guys! We found a four leaf clover! [[All four people stand on the first rock]] Oh man. This is great. [[Both young men stand on the edge of the rock, looking across. Young woman 1 is stepping off the rock]] We never have to worry again. [[Young man 1 and young woman 1 are walking on a sandy beach together, presumeably below the rocks]] Just think! [[Young man 2 and Young woman 2 stand on the same beach. The young woman is holding something and they are both looking at it.]] Just think how happy we'll be! [[Shot of all 4 people standing together, in the poses from the two previous panels]] [[The four people stand together talking]] I'm glad I found it with you guys. [[Large panel of a sunset]] I'm glad we didn't invite Joey. {{"Joey" is bolded}} Is That A Four Leaf Clover?

[[young man 1 and a young woman 1 stand on a rock on the right side]]
Shit. Is that a four leaf clover?

[[Young woman 2 and young man 2 stand on another rock, young man 2 making a waving/come here gesture]]
Hey guys! We found a four leaf clover!

[[All four people stand on the first rock]]
Oh man. This is great.

[[Both young men stand on the edge of the rock, looking across. Young woman 1 is stepping off the rock]]
We never have to worry again.

[[Young man 1 and young woman 1 are walking on a sandy beach together, presumeably below the rocks]]
Just think!

[[Young man 2 and Young woman 2 stand on the same beach. The young woman is holding something and they are both looking at it.]]
Just think how happy we'll be!

[[Shot of all 4 people standing together, in the poses from the two previous panels]]
[[The four people stand together talking]]
I'm glad I found it with you guys.

[[Large panel of a sunset]]
I'm glad we didn't invite Joey.
{{"Joey" is bolded}}]]>