Achewood - latest additions

Achewood - latest additions http://achewood.com The latest transcribed Achewood comics, powered by OhNoRobot.com en-us Sat, 22 May 2010 20:42:04 -0000 60 Achewood § May 21, 2010 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05212010 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05212010 Sat, 22 May 2010 20:20:37 -0000 <a href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05212010">Achewood § May 21, 2010</a> [[Mayner and Lurquilla are looking out their window]] Mayner: DAMN'ET, LURQUILLA! ALL THET CHITTERCHAT AN' HE DONE RUN OFF! Lurquilla: WELL WHYN'T THET SUCH A BAD THING THEN, MAYNER? Mayner: 'CAUSE HE'N GONE GET HIT BY A VEE-HICKLE AN' ALL HIS DNA EVIDENCE IS SETTIN' IN A LIL' HUCKITY-PUCK ON OUR FRONT GRASS! Lurquilla: SO TOSSET'N THE CRICK AN' LET THE CRAW-DAD ET IT! Mayner: THEM FBI GONE SEARCH THE AREA BUT GOOD WIT' DAWGS AN THEM DAWGS GONE SMELL HIS DNA WHAR IT SOAKT IN THE ROOTS OF THAT GRASS! ... SOME STINK YOU CAIN'T WASH 'WAY, WOMAN! IT'S JUST NATCHER! Lurquilla: WELL WHEN'T THEY GET HERE YOU GONE TELL THEM A ACID DOODIE BOY DONE CRAPPED THE LAWN! WHY THEY'D CARE 'BOUT YOU? YOU'S INNOCENT OF IT ALL! Mayner: I'S INNOCENT OF HIS FILTHY DEED BUT THEY COME IN HERE THEY GONE SEE ALL THEM PITCHERS'N'BOOKS 'BOUT CHERN-CHILLA RAISIN' AN' THEY'S GON' GO'N CHECK THE WOODSHED! ... IT'S PROBABLE CAUSE FER SHURE! Lurquilla: NOOOOO! THEY KEN'T TAKE MAH BAYBEES, MAYNER! THEY KEN'T NOT A ONE OF 'EM! Mayner: AN' THET'S WHY AH KEN'T TOSS THEM POOPIES IN THE CRICK, WOMAN! I GOT TO STAGE A LAWN-FIRE WHAT LOOKS CAUSEABLE! Lurquilla: WELL YOU BERN DOWN THE LAWN THEN MAYNER I'M GON' CHECK ON MY BAYBEE CHERNCHILLAS WHAT NEED ME SO. Mayner: I'MA JUST TORCH UP THET OLE MOWER WHAT RUSTED OUT AN' I NEVER PAID FOR ANYWAYS ... IT IS SENSIBLE WHAT IT WOULD BE ON THE LAWN GIVEN WHAT IT IS. [[The turd.]] [[The mower is moved over the turd.]] [[Gasoline is poured on the mower.]] <<sput>> [[The mower is lit on fire.]] <<pout>> [[The fire spreads from the mower to the house.]] <<POP! POP!>> Achewood § May 21, 2010

[[Mayner and Lurquilla are looking out their window]]
Mayner: DAMN'ET, LURQUILLA! ALL THET CHITTERCHAT AN' HE DONE RUN OFF!
Lurquilla: WELL WHYN'T THET SUCH A BAD THING THEN, MAYNER?

Mayner: 'CAUSE HE'N GONE GET HIT BY A VEE-HICKLE AN' ALL HIS DNA EVIDENCE IS SETTIN' IN A LIL' HUCKITY-PUCK ON OUR FRONT GRASS!

Lurquilla: SO TOSSET'N THE CRICK AN' LET THE CRAW-DAD ET IT!

Mayner: THEM FBI GONE SEARCH THE AREA BUT GOOD WIT' DAWGS AN THEM DAWGS GONE SMELL HIS DNA WHAR IT SOAKT IN THE ROOTS OF THAT GRASS! ... SOME STINK YOU CAIN'T WASH 'WAY, WOMAN! IT'S JUST NATCHER!

Lurquilla: WELL WHEN'T THEY GET HERE YOU GONE TELL THEM A ACID DOODIE BOY DONE CRAPPED THE LAWN! WHY THEY'D CARE 'BOUT YOU? YOU'S INNOCENT OF IT ALL!

Mayner: I'S INNOCENT OF HIS FILTHY DEED BUT THEY COME IN HERE THEY GONE SEE ALL THEM PITCHERS'N'BOOKS 'BOUT CHERN-CHILLA RAISIN' AN' THEY'S GON' GO'N CHECK THE WOODSHED! ... IT'S PROBABLE CAUSE FER SHURE!

Lurquilla: NOOOOO! THEY KEN'T TAKE MAH BAYBEES, MAYNER! THEY KEN'T NOT A ONE OF 'EM!

Mayner: AN' THET'S WHY AH KEN'T TOSS THEM POOPIES IN THE CRICK, WOMAN! I GOT TO STAGE A LAWN-FIRE WHAT LOOKS CAUSEABLE!

Lurquilla: WELL YOU BERN DOWN THE LAWN THEN MAYNER I'M GON' CHECK ON MY BAYBEE CHERNCHILLAS WHAT NEED ME SO.

Mayner: I'MA JUST TORCH UP THET OLE MOWER WHAT RUSTED OUT AN' I NEVER PAID FOR ANYWAYS ... IT IS SENSIBLE WHAT IT WOULD BE ON THE LAWN GIVEN WHAT IT IS.

[[The turd.]]

[[The mower is moved over the turd.]]

[[Gasoline is poured on the mower.]]
<>

[[The mower is lit on fire.]]
<>

[[The fire spreads from the mower to the house.]]
<>]]> Achewood - May 3, 2007 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032007 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032007 Sat, 22 May 2010 20:20:37 -0000 <a href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032007">Achewood - May 3, 2007</a> [[Outside of medical building]] Doctor: Fellows, I've evaluated Ray's condition after the softball injury. Doctor: I have good news, and I have bad news. Téodor: Is Ray...retarded now? [[Téodor, Cornelius, Roast Beef, and Lyle are in the room with the doctor]] Doctor: The bad news is, yes, Ray will be intellectually diminished for about twelve days, until the swelling in his brain goes down. Téodor: What's the good news? Doctor: Ray has a document which gives me power of attorney to commit him to a care facility until he gets better. This way he can't hurt himself or be taken advantage of. Cornelius: May I see the instrument, Doctor? Just for the sake of things, you know. Doctor: Of course. [[Viewing document]] Document: Dear Doc Andretti, If I am ever rendered mentally unfit to care for myself (act of God, wartime injury, honest mistake), I hereby grant you the authority to place me in a facility that will look after me until such time as I am recovered/deceased. So that I may still have "happiness" during this dark time, please see to it that I am provided with the following things: 1. A "Magic Rocks" kit 2. A laser pointer keychain 3. A magazine about McDonalds, by McDonalds. You will find seven million dollars under the {{The seven million dollars are under a Raiders hat that is under a larger Raiders hat, in the basement.}} Achewood - May 3, 2007

[[Outside of medical building]]
Doctor: Fellows, I've evaluated Ray's condition after the softball injury.

Doctor: I have good news, and I have bad news.
Téodor: Is Ray...retarded now?

[[Téodor, Cornelius, Roast Beef, and Lyle are in the room with the doctor]]
Doctor: The bad news is, yes, Ray will be intellectually diminished for about twelve days, until the swelling in his brain goes down.
Téodor: What's the good news?

Doctor: Ray has a document which gives me power of attorney to commit him to a care facility until he gets better. This way he can't hurt himself or be taken advantage of.

Cornelius: May I see the instrument, Doctor? Just for the sake of things, you know.
Doctor: Of course.

[[Viewing document]]
Document: Dear Doc Andretti,
If I am ever rendered mentally unfit to care for myself (act of God, wartime injury, honest mistake), I hereby grant you the authority to place me in a facility that will look after me until such time as I am recovered/deceased.
So that I may still have "happiness" during this dark time, please see to it that I am provided with the following things:
1. A "Magic Rocks" kit
2. A laser pointer keychain
3. A magazine about McDonalds, by McDonalds.
You will find seven million dollars under the

{{The seven million dollars are under a Raiders hat that is under a larger Raiders hat, in the basement.}}]]> Pat, I Am Like You Now. (January 31, 2010) http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01312010 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01312010 Sat, 22 May 2010 20:20:37 -0000 <a href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01312010">Pat, I Am Like You Now. (January 31, 2010)</a> Ray: Pat, man! I compost now! I'm just like you! Pat: Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Which system are you using--a Lijlson-Greaves ratio, or an open Tanoku matrix? Ray: I throw leftovers on the ground, man! In a little wire cage! Pat: Whoah, whoah, whoah. That's not composting. There are very strict rules. Ray: Dude, I put my extra cheese and nasty hard tortillas in an area. They get all rotty. A fly has a baby. Dirt is born. Ray: Share this moment with me. Pat: No, no, NO! DEAD wrong! Jesus CHRIST, Ray! Ray: We talkin' 'bout makin' dirt here, Pat! Dirt ain't exactly nature's choosiest substance when it comes to havin' recently been other stuff! Pat: People have done a LOT of work figuring this out! Your arrogant newbie blasphemy is . . . Pat: . . . it's an AFFRONT to the DIGNITY of SOIL! Ray: STUFF IS ON THE GROUND IN MY YARD! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, SUCKER! Ray: DO YOU WANT TO SAY HI? <<beep>> Ray: HEY, LOUSY HOMEMADE DIRT! PAT IS ON THE PHONE! Ray: DO CORRECT DIRT ACTIVITIES! HAVE A WORM WITH A YARN HAT POKE OUT AND PURCHASE ANTI-WORM CREDITS! Pat: Stop this at once! Ray: Now you got me yellin' in front of my little baby dirt! Ray: How's a precious tomato plant supposed to thrive in this hated-at dirt, Pat?! Pat: YOU ARE ASININE! Ray: YOU know you got to talk gentle to tiny plants to help them grow! Ray: Why you think they make that helicopter in Iowa what recites People Magazine at 500 feet? Pat: Goodbye, Ray. <<click>> [[Inset of Ray having a thought. Main panel shows helicopter suspending large speaker. Text is in dot-matrix font.]] Helicopter: JEFF GOLDBLUM IS SEEN HERE RELAXING ON HIS TERRA COTTA PATIO IN A BATHROBE BY VINCE OF SPAIN ($235). A SHORT, WARM SWIM HAS LEFT HIM HAPPY. [[Ray is at his computer. At top: THAT NIGHT.]] Ray: Dear Diary, Ray: I turned a poorly thought-out phone call into a great idea: organic bio-copters that soothe ultra-local micro-crops with a "dusting" touch of pleasant topics! Imagine how much people will pay for potatoes that are as "socially aware" as they are!" <<tap tap tap tap tap>> {{At bottom: CONTINUES . . .}} {{Associated text: Every phone call to Pat needs to be reconsidered, unless you are telling him that he's a freestanding asshole.}} Pat, I Am Like You Now. (January 31, 2010)

Ray: Pat, man! I compost now! I'm just like you!

Pat: Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Which system are you using--a Lijlson-Greaves ratio, or an open Tanoku matrix?

Ray: I throw leftovers on the ground, man! In a little wire cage!
Pat: Whoah, whoah, whoah. That's not composting. There are very strict rules.

Ray: Dude, I put my extra cheese and nasty hard tortillas in an area. They get all rotty. A fly has a baby. Dirt is born.
Ray: Share this moment with me.

Pat: No, no, NO! DEAD wrong! Jesus CHRIST, Ray!
Ray: We talkin' 'bout makin' dirt here, Pat! Dirt ain't exactly nature's choosiest substance when it comes to havin' recently been other stuff!

Pat: People have done a LOT of work figuring this out! Your arrogant newbie blasphemy is . . .
Pat: . . . it's an AFFRONT to the DIGNITY of SOIL!

Ray: STUFF IS ON THE GROUND IN MY YARD! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, SUCKER!
Ray: DO YOU WANT TO SAY HI?
<>

Ray: HEY, LOUSY HOMEMADE DIRT! PAT IS ON THE PHONE!
Ray: DO CORRECT DIRT ACTIVITIES! HAVE A WORM WITH A YARN HAT POKE OUT AND PURCHASE ANTI-WORM CREDITS!
Pat: Stop this at once!

Ray: Now you got me yellin' in front of my little baby dirt!
Ray: How's a precious tomato plant supposed to thrive in this hated-at dirt, Pat?!
Pat: YOU ARE ASININE!

Ray: YOU know you got to talk gentle to tiny plants to help them grow!
Ray: Why you think they make that helicopter in Iowa what recites People Magazine at 500 feet?
Pat: Goodbye, Ray.
<>

[[Inset of Ray having a thought. Main panel shows helicopter suspending large speaker. Text is in dot-matrix font.]]
Helicopter: JEFF GOLDBLUM IS SEEN HERE RELAXING ON HIS TERRA COTTA PATIO IN A BATHROBE BY VINCE OF SPAIN ($235). A SHORT, WARM SWIM HAS LEFT HIM HAPPY.

[[Ray is at his computer. At top: THAT NIGHT.]]
Ray: Dear Diary,
Ray: I turned a poorly thought-out phone call into a great idea: organic bio-copters that soothe ultra-local micro-crops with a "dusting" touch of pleasant topics! Imagine how much people will pay for potatoes that are as "socially aware" as they are!"
<>

{{At bottom: CONTINUES . . .}}
{{Associated text: Every phone call to Pat needs to be reconsidered, unless you are telling him that he's a freestanding asshole.}}]]> Achewood - August 1, 2005 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 Sat, 22 May 2010 20:20:37 -0000 <a href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005">Achewood - August 1, 2005</a> [[Nice Pete at desk, Pat enters]] Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. [[Pat reaches toward desk]] [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. Pat: Well, I'm an excellent critic! I automatically know when someone's done a bad job. Before you ask, yes it's a mixed blessing. Nice Pete: Who said anything would be bad about my book! Pat: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! You're not so arrogant as to think you didn't make any mistakes! Nice Pete: Picasso didn't ask people to help him improve a painting after it was done. Pat: If he had he might have had churned out such weird crap! The man thought he could just fool around! Heh! "Nuh-uh, mister!" [[Nice Pete grabs Pat by the collar]] Nice Pete: When I want your opinion I will cut it out of your brain and eat it and crap your opinion back into your skull. Achewood - August 1, 2005

[[Nice Pete at desk, Pat enters]]

Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it.

[[Pat reaches toward desk]]

[["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]]

Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion.

Pat: Well, I'm an excellent critic! I automatically know when someone's done a bad job. Before you ask, yes it's a mixed blessing.

Nice Pete: Who said anything would be bad about my book!

Pat: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! You're not so arrogant as to think you didn't make any mistakes!
Nice Pete: Picasso didn't ask people to help him improve a painting after it was done.

Pat: If he had he might have had churned out such weird crap! The man thought he could just fool around! Heh! "Nuh-uh, mister!"

[[Nice Pete grabs Pat by the collar]]

Nice Pete: When I want your opinion I will cut it out of your brain and eat it and crap your opinion back into your skull.]]> Scary Go Round guest strip http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05262003 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05262003 Sat, 22 May 2010 20:20:37 -0000 <a href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05262003">Scary Go Round guest strip</a> {{This strip originially appeared as a guest installment at Scary Go Round}} [[TÉODOR AND AMY IN... "JUST MARRIED"]] [[Téodor and Amy are in a small, propeller-driven aircraft, similar to a Cessna 172 "Skyhawk," trailing tin cans]] Amy: Oh, Téodor! From the Elvis Costello messageboard to this! Amy: I never thought I'd be married to a cute little bear...father was so agitated when I told him! Téodor: I think we all have some adjusting to do, my love. Amy: I'm so sorry you didn't like the buffet, darling. I admit, British food may be a bit challenging at first. Téodor: Who eats braised ivy? And what was with that owl all smeared in mayonnaise? That was depressing. Amy: Téodor! It's our wedding day! Try to be positive. Téodor: A fox fighting an eel, suspended in aspic. It was like a Nine Inch Nails video. {{alt text: lie back and think of spotted dick}} Scary Go Round guest strip

{{This strip originially appeared as a guest installment at Scary Go Round}}

[[TÉODOR AND AMY IN... "JUST MARRIED"]]
[[Téodor and Amy are in a small, propeller-driven aircraft, similar to a Cessna 172 "Skyhawk," trailing tin cans]]
Amy: Oh, Téodor! From the Elvis Costello messageboard to this!
Amy: I never thought I'd be married to a cute little bear...father was so agitated when I told him!

Téodor: I think we all have some adjusting to do, my love.

Amy: I'm so sorry you didn't like the buffet, darling. I admit, British food may be a bit challenging at first.

Téodor: Who eats braised ivy? And what was with that owl all smeared in mayonnaise? That was depressing.

Amy: Téodor! It's our wedding day! Try to be positive.

Téodor: A fox fighting an eel, suspended in aspic. It was like a Nine Inch Nails video.

{{alt text: lie back and think of spotted dick}}]]> Achewood § April 8, 2010 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04082010 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04082010 Sat, 22 May 2010 20:20:37 -0000 <a href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04082010">Achewood § April 8, 2010</a> Steve: You know, when I was a kid about your age, my dad made me the best burger I've ever tasted. Phillippe: Wow, I'll bet. Steve: We had one of those electric skillets, like you use for making pancakes, you know? Phillippe: Yeah! With the orange light that says it's ready! Steve: Right. My dad griddled me a burger in there, along with a few slices of onion. I'd never had griddled onions before. Phillippe: You don't say! Steve: When the burger was nice and crusty, he put the onions on top and melted a slice of cheddar cheese over that. Phillippe: Sounds tasty. Steve: Try as I might, I've never had a burger quite so satisfying. Phillippe: Well, I bet mom cooks me her famous pork chops with hot asparagus and buttered rice! She makes the best pork chops in the whole WORLD! Steve: Yeah, she just might, if you make sure to ask. Will you make sure to ask? Moms love to cook their kids' favorite dishes. Phillippe: I always had that with cold Acidophilus milk! Boy, what a great drink to- Steve: Phillippe! You'll ask, won't you? About the pork chops and buttered rice? Phillippe: Yeah sure! 'Course! Anyways, after that, we always have a scoop of fifty-fifty! That's orange and vanilla ice cream where the flavors are in stripes and... Steve: Here it is, little guy. One-five-five. Here, let's get you unbuckled. Achewood § April 8, 2010

Steve: You know, when I was a kid about your age, my dad made me the best burger I've ever tasted.

Phillippe: Wow, I'll bet.
Steve: We had one of those electric skillets, like you use for making pancakes, you know?
Phillippe: Yeah! With the orange light that says it's ready!

Steve: Right. My dad griddled me a burger in there, along with a few slices of onion. I'd never had griddled onions before.
Phillippe: You don't say!

Steve: When the burger was nice and crusty, he put the onions on top and melted a slice of cheddar cheese over that.
Phillippe: Sounds tasty.

Steve: Try as I might, I've never had a burger quite so satisfying.

Phillippe: Well, I bet mom cooks me her famous pork chops with hot asparagus and buttered rice! She makes the best pork chops in the whole WORLD!

Steve: Yeah, she just might, if you make sure to ask. Will you make sure to ask? Moms love to cook their kids' favorite dishes.

Phillippe: I always had that with cold Acidophilus milk! Boy, what a great drink to-
Steve: Phillippe! You'll ask, won't you? About the pork chops and buttered rice?

Phillippe: Yeah sure! 'Course! Anyways, after that, we always have a scoop of fifty-fifty! That's orange and vanilla ice cream where the flavors are in stripes and...

Steve: Here it is, little guy. One-five-five. Here, let's get you unbuckled.]]> Achewood § April 6, 2010 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04062010 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04062010 Sat, 22 May 2010 20:20:37 -0000 <a href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04062010">Achewood § April 6, 2010</a> Steve: Phillippe, I'm Steve DeNeuve, Steve: The very fact that I'm here means your friends must care a great deal about you. Steve: Now... you're going home to live with your mother, is that right? Phillippe: Yes! I finally get to sleep in my old bed with the big ropy afghan and see dad's wooden ship model that's on the bookcase again! Steve: Very good. Your father passed away when you were young, is that right? I'm sorry if this raises bad memories. Phillippe: ...yeah. He was a really fun guy, but I guess he didn't live healthy. All mom says is that he "went on his own terms." Steve: Mm hmm. Do you remember the old dinner plates - the beige ones with dark brown oak leaves and acorns painted around the edges? Phillippe: Oh, boy! 'Course I do! I can see the hot pork chops on 'em now! Steve: Exactly. And that Christmas when you made a crossbow out of a coat hanger and the elastic from an old pair of underwear? Phillippe: Oh my gosh! HOOOME! I can't wait to get home again! Achewood § April 6, 2010

Steve: Phillippe, I'm Steve DeNeuve,

Steve: The very fact that I'm here means your friends must care a great deal about you.

Steve: Now... you're going home to live with your mother, is that right?
Phillippe: Yes! I finally get to sleep in my old bed with the big ropy afghan and see dad's wooden ship model that's on the bookcase again!

Steve: Very good. Your father passed away when you were young, is that right? I'm sorry if this raises bad memories.

Phillippe: ...yeah. He was a really fun guy, but I guess he didn't live healthy. All mom says is that he "went on his own terms."

Steve: Mm hmm. Do you remember the old dinner plates - the beige ones with dark brown oak leaves and acorns painted around the edges?
Phillippe: Oh, boy! 'Course I do! I can see the hot pork chops on 'em now!

Steve: Exactly. And that Christmas when you made a crossbow out of a coat hanger and the elastic from an old pair of underwear?
Phillippe: Oh my gosh! HOOOME! I can't wait to get home again!]]> Achewood - October 29, 2001 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10292001 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10292001 Mon, 03 May 2010 22:03:47 -0000 <a href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10292001">Achewood - October 29, 2001</a> [[Teodor works on a computer while Lyle looks over his shoulder.]] Lyle: What are you doing, Teodor? Teodor: I'm programming my own website! <<tap tap>> Lyle: Your website sucks! I can't read anything over that obnoxious background image. Teodor: Why don't you just TRY a little harder? Lyle: Why don't you just get rid of that stupid background image? Teodor: Why don't you just GO TO HELL, Lyle? Lyle: I AM in hell, when I look at your website! Lyle: And what graveyard did you get that dancing baby out of? [[Teodor closes his eyes.]] Achewood - October 29, 2001

[[Teodor works on a computer while Lyle looks over his shoulder.]]
Lyle: What are you doing, Teodor?
Teodor: I'm programming my own website!
<>

Lyle: Your website sucks! I can't read anything over that obnoxious background image.
Teodor: Why don't you just TRY a little harder?

Lyle: Why don't you just get rid of that stupid background image?
Teodor: Why don't you just GO TO HELL, Lyle?
Lyle: I AM in hell, when I look at your website!

Lyle: And what graveyard did you get that dancing baby out of?
[[Teodor closes his eyes.]]]]> Achewood § December 14, 2007 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12142007 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12142007 Mon, 03 May 2010 22:03:47 -0000 <a href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12142007">Achewood § December 14, 2007</a> The Philippe Times - Vol 9 No. 23 "Pigs are lovely little guys!" Friday facts by Philippe, editor-in-chief DID YOU KNOW ------------------------------ I wonder if there has ever been a business based on shooting horses that other people didn't want to shoot. You know, like if the horse had a broken leg, or eyes the same color as meatballs. FACT ! Know why they shoot a horse with a broken leg? To keep him from "horsin' around!" (Just kidding - it's so that people don't have to watch his agony.) Andrew Dice Clay is now a children's services worker in Los Bahalia, New Jersy. His current name is Saul L. Weeks, and he has gone through certification. (Thanks, LB!) MUFFIN CORNER The muffin, that most famous of foods, was invented in 1612 by Sir Clyde Muffin of Pence-upon-Breedgate. Legend has it, he was portly and stank of nectar. THE WORLD's FASTEST CAR? The Shelby "Ultimate Aero TT." THE SLOWEST CAR? The Microspeed Industries "Kelvin Zero." (Bottom speed: absolute zero!) It's a frozen car that they use to run scientific tests on. [[Insert of the Kelvin Zero]] The Kelvin Zero, in the fridge at Kelvin Labs. Pat came to Ray's party last week! He was drinking Dr. Mohid Prashad's Celery Wine for Thinkers. They say he doesn't like the good stuff. TOWER HOUR Towers used to be for spying on approaching enemies, but these days they aren't too handy. I'm a tower guy since way back, so I hate to say it! IS THERE ANYTHING THOMAS EDISON *DIDN'T* INVENT? Yes. Adjustable dinner room lights, a lady who is a waiter that has a tie on, and Dr. Pepper. (He invented a good drink called Sir Horace Pepper's Font of Ardor that tasted the same, but he did not have the time to market it right!) Ray is here! He came over. He is telling everybody about his new recipe for "flash-tried cheesecake." Pat was also nibbled on "Sun-Inured Raita" last week, instead of 'dogs and burgers. Kind of like a white cheese-jerky in milk. -------------------------------------- {{Editor's note from Beef}} He had a lot more help than usual from L.B. this week so I wouldn't take this stuff too much to heart. - RBK Achewood § December 14, 2007

The Philippe Times - Vol 9 No. 23 "Pigs are lovely little guys!"

Friday facts by Philippe, editor-in-chief

DID YOU KNOW
------------------------------
I wonder if there has ever been a business based on shooting horses that other people didn't want to shoot. You know, like if the horse had a broken leg, or eyes the same color as meatballs.

FACT ! Know why they shoot a horse with a broken leg? To keep him from "horsin' around!" (Just kidding - it's so that people don't have to watch his agony.)

Andrew Dice Clay is now a children's services worker in Los Bahalia, New Jersy. His current name is Saul L. Weeks, and he has gone through certification. (Thanks, LB!)

MUFFIN CORNER
The muffin, that most famous of foods, was invented in 1612 by Sir Clyde Muffin of Pence-upon-Breedgate. Legend has it, he was portly and stank of nectar.

THE WORLD's FASTEST CAR?
The Shelby "Ultimate Aero TT." THE SLOWEST CAR? The Microspeed Industries "Kelvin Zero." (Bottom speed: absolute zero!) It's a frozen car that they use to run scientific tests on.

[[Insert of the Kelvin Zero]]
The Kelvin Zero, in the fridge at Kelvin Labs.

Pat came to Ray's party last week! He was drinking Dr. Mohid Prashad's Celery Wine for Thinkers. They say he doesn't like the good stuff.

TOWER HOUR
Towers used to be for spying on approaching enemies, but these days they aren't too handy. I'm a tower guy since way back, so I hate to say it!

IS THERE ANYTHING THOMAS EDISON *DIDN'T* INVENT?
Yes. Adjustable dinner room lights, a lady who is a waiter that has a tie on, and Dr. Pepper. (He invented a good drink called Sir Horace Pepper's Font of Ardor that tasted the same, but he did not have the time to market it right!)

Ray is here! He came over. He is telling everybody about his new recipe for "flash-tried cheesecake."

Pat was also nibbled on "Sun-Inured Raita" last week, instead of 'dogs and burgers. Kind of like a white cheese-jerky in milk.
--------------------------------------
{{Editor's note from Beef}}
He had a lot more help than usual from L.B. this week so I wouldn't take this stuff too much to heart. - RBK]]> Achewood § October 21, 2009 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10212009 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10212009 Mon, 03 May 2010 22:03:47 -0000 <a href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10212009">Achewood § October 21, 2009</a> [[Computer printout on spindled paper]] You are peeling out in the illegal van. It goes so fast that you leave North Korea. Suddenly, someone is in the passenger seat...sagely, benevolently observing. C:\> who tha frick's that?! "It's me, Kim Jong-il. You make bold choice and find secret doorway from country. Well done." C:\> b-but ain't you that guy who don't like people leavin' his country? The Dear Leader turns down the radio with his own, personal hand, and resumes speaking. "Todd, do you like the story My Side of Mountain?" C:\> I...uh...I ain't seen that one. "Is book. Story of boy who can live on own in forest. Brave like you Todd." "I admit it I make bad mess in my country. Build giant hotel with no possible guest ever allowed; not good idea. National dish is cold noodle eat at card table; not good too. I even lie when I back over cat after party of friend, but everyone knew was Kim Jong-il." C:\> s-s-so what? "We go start new country Todd. You and me, in forest. Better than last one. You title is...The Glorious Ranger." C:\> n-n-nice! what about you? "I now Ultraviolet Thunder, Immortal Master of Eagles." C:\> that's frikkin' tough as hell, man! Ultraviolet Thunder pauses, wisely, in deep thought. "Glorious Ranger, I harbor idea five year. Name of new country is..." "PEOPLE'S KINGDOM OF ECSTASY AND WRATH!" He mentions that it includes the exclamation point. C:\> peel out S-S-SO FRIKKIN' HARD! You peel out towards...destiny. Ultraviolet Thunder reminds you not to call him fat. [[Todd's van peels out. Caption: SCREEEE! YOU PEEL - OUT!]] [[2 panels of Kim Jong-Il enjoying the peel-out. Caption: THE DEAR LEADER LIKES THIS. DO IT AGAIN!]] [[Todd's van peels out.]] [[Another panel of a happy Kim Jong-Il.]] {{Teodor inspects a puddle. Caption: MEANWHILE.}} Teodor: What the...why's there all this stinky pee on the garage floor?! {{Text in the puddle: ...the... that... personally... tied a chain... a pregnant woman...each chain...}} Teodor: Whoah! What the heck's it reflecting? There's no computer monitor in here! Teodor: Maybe...spread the puddle out with this stick... read it better... <<ERF>> {{Alt-text: Reading cult propaganda through a film of animal urine is the new Fox News.}} Achewood § October 21, 2009

[[Computer printout on spindled paper]]
You are peeling out in the illegal van. It goes so fast that you leave North Korea.

Suddenly, someone is in the passenger seat...sagely, benevolently observing.

C:\> who tha frick's that?!

"It's me, Kim Jong-il. You make bold choice and find secret doorway from country. Well done."

C:\> b-but ain't you that guy who don't like people leavin' his country?

The Dear Leader turns down the radio with his own, personal hand, and resumes speaking.

"Todd, do you like the story My Side of Mountain?"

C:\> I...uh...I ain't seen that one.

"Is book. Story of boy who can live on own in forest. Brave like you Todd."

"I admit it I make bad mess in my country. Build giant hotel with no possible guest ever allowed; not good idea. National dish is cold noodle eat at card table; not good too. I even lie when I back over cat after party of friend, but everyone knew was Kim Jong-il."

C:\> s-s-so what?

"We go start new country Todd. You and me, in forest. Better than last one. You title is...The Glorious Ranger."

C:\> n-n-nice! what about you?

"I now Ultraviolet Thunder, Immortal Master of Eagles."

C:\> that's frikkin' tough as hell, man!

Ultraviolet Thunder pauses, wisely, in deep thought.

"Glorious Ranger, I harbor idea five year. Name of new country is..."

"PEOPLE'S KINGDOM OF ECSTASY AND WRATH!"

He mentions that it includes the exclamation point.

C:\> peel out S-S-SO FRIKKIN' HARD!

You peel out towards...destiny. Ultraviolet Thunder reminds you not to call him fat.

[[Todd's van peels out. Caption: SCREEEE! YOU PEEL - OUT!]]

[[2 panels of Kim Jong-Il enjoying the peel-out. Caption: THE DEAR LEADER LIKES THIS. DO IT AGAIN!]]

[[Todd's van peels out.]]

[[Another panel of a happy Kim Jong-Il.]]

{{Teodor inspects a puddle. Caption: MEANWHILE.}}
Teodor: What the...why's there all this stinky pee on the garage floor?!

{{Text in the puddle: ...the... that... personally... tied a chain... a pregnant woman...each chain...}}
Teodor: Whoah! What the heck's it reflecting? There's no computer monitor in here!

Teodor: Maybe...spread the puddle out with this stick... read it better...
<>

{{Alt-text: Reading cult propaganda through a film of animal urine is the new Fox News.}}]]>