The Illustrated Diary of Struan R. Sutherland

The Illustrated Diary of Struan R. Sutherland - latest additions http://bloodthirstymelon.com The latest transcribed The Illustrated Diary of Struan R. Sutherland comics, powered by OhNoRobot.com en-us Sun, 19 Apr 2009 20:59:25 -0000 60 The Funeral Home http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=150 http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=150 Fri, 05 Jan 2007 17:02:39 -0000 <a href="http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=150">The Funeral Home</a> Mortician: Mr. Sutherland, we're very sorry for the loss of your brother. Mortician's Assistant: We found the remains. They were in the laundry. Mortician: Oh good. Nevermind then. [[The Mortician motions towards a large number of different urns on a table]] Mortician: We're providing you with these receptacles so that you can scatter him on his childhood playground as he wished. Struan: Am I supposed to pick one? Mortician: No no. He's in all of them. Struan: Shouldn't the ashes fit in a single one? [[The Mortician is confused.]] Mortician: Ashes? The Funeral Home

Mortician: Mr. Sutherland, we're very sorry for the loss of your brother.

Mortician's Assistant: We found the remains. They were in the laundry.

Mortician: Oh good. Nevermind then.

[[The Mortician motions towards a large number of different urns on a table]]
Mortician: We're providing you with these receptacles so that you can scatter him on his childhood playground as he wished.

Struan: Am I supposed to pick one?

Mortician: No no. He's in all of them.

Struan: Shouldn't the ashes fit in a single one?

[[The Mortician is confused.]]
Mortician: Ashes?]]> The Story Continues... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=149 http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=149 Fri, 29 Dec 2006 19:24:18 -0000 <a href="http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=149">The Story Continues...</a> [[Struan stands, something precious clenched in his fist, with a determined look on his face and fire in his eyes. Behind him looms the Bald Guy, a quiver of arrows strapped to his back, ready to defend - willing, even, to give his life. On the other side of Struan, there's a flying head.]] Narrator: Previously on The Illustrated Diary of Struan R. Sutherland Struan: If the Cosmic Zombies want the Amulet of Invisibility then they'll have to pry it from my recently-deceased fingers! Narrator: And now the continuation: Wandering Uterus: BABIES! Narrator: Stay tuned for scenes from next week's episode. The Story Continues...

[[Struan stands, something precious clenched in his fist, with a determined look on his face and fire in his eyes. Behind him looms the Bald Guy, a quiver of arrows strapped to his back, ready to defend - willing, even, to give his life. On the other side of Struan, there's a flying head.]]
Narrator: Previously on The Illustrated Diary of Struan R. Sutherland
Struan: If the Cosmic Zombies want the Amulet of Invisibility then they'll have to pry it from my recently-deceased fingers!

Narrator: And now the continuation:
Wandering Uterus: BABIES!
Narrator: Stay tuned for scenes from next week's episode.]]> The Perfect Gift http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=148 http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=148 Fri, 22 Dec 2006 06:16:16 -0000 <a href="http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=148">The Perfect Gift</a> Struan: I need to get something fantastic for my four-year-old nephew. Struan: Preferably something that condones violence. Like a fake gun or a toy corpse. Clerk: How about this new high-tech "video-game" system for electronic adventures? Struan: Maybe I should rip the budding social skills right out of his infant brain and call that a present. Clerk: Yeah, maybe. Clerk: But then he'll grow up thinking you're cheap because you didn't buy him electronic adventures. Struan: I don't want him to think that I'm cheap. But I'd also rather not spend any money. Clerk: It's Christmas! Do it for Jesus! The Perfect Gift

Struan: I need to get something fantastic for my four-year-old nephew.

Struan: Preferably something that condones violence. Like a fake gun or a toy corpse.

Clerk: How about this new high-tech "video-game" system for electronic adventures?

Struan: Maybe I should rip the budding social skills right out of his infant brain and call that a present.

Clerk: Yeah, maybe.

Clerk: But then he'll grow up thinking you're cheap because you didn't buy him electronic adventures.

Struan: I don't want him to think that I'm cheap. But I'd also rather not spend any money.

Clerk: It's Christmas! Do it for Jesus!]]> Every Six Months http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=146 http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=146 Fri, 15 Dec 2006 16:04:40 -0000 <a href="http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=146">Every Six Months</a> [[Struan is having a dental checkup.]] Dentist: Hey Karen, this guy doesn't have any teeth. Karen: They're right there. Dentist: Oh. Nevermind. He's got like a billion of them. Dentist: In order to access your back molars, we'll need to break your jaw so we can flip the top part of your head back. [[The Dentist is suddenly confused.]] Dentist: Wait, why do you have three mouths? [[Karen gives him a strange look.]] Karen: What? Dentist: I could have sworn he had three mouths a second ago. Every Six Months

[[Struan is having a dental checkup.]]
Dentist: Hey Karen, this guy doesn't have any teeth.

Karen: They're right there.

Dentist: Oh. Nevermind. He's got like a billion of them.

Dentist: In order to access your back molars, we'll need to break your jaw so we can flip the top part of your head back.

[[The Dentist is suddenly confused.]]
Dentist: Wait, why do you have three mouths?

[[Karen gives him a strange look.]]
Karen: What?

Dentist: I could have sworn he had three mouths a second ago.]]> The Confession http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=147 http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=147 Fri, 15 Dec 2006 16:04:39 -0000 <a href="http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=147">The Confession</a> [[Struan is in a confessional.]] Struan: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Struan: I ate way too many croissants at breakfast. Priest: Yeah? So what? I shot like five people today. Priest: I actually lost count, but I think it was five. Struan: Well I didn't lose count of how many croissants I ate. [[Struan gives the Priest a badass look.]] Struan: It was twelve. The Confession

[[Struan is in a confessional.]]
Struan: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

Struan: I ate way too many croissants at breakfast.

Priest: Yeah? So what? I shot like five people today.

Priest: I actually lost count, but I think it was five.

Struan: Well I didn't lose count of how many croissants I ate.

[[Struan gives the Priest a badass look.]]
Struan: It was twelve.]]> The Gambling Debt http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=145 http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=145 Fri, 15 Dec 2006 16:04:36 -0000 <a href="http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=145">The Gambling Debt</a> Narration: Dear diary, I know now that I should never have let it go so far. But it's too late for regrets. I have a debt to deal with. Mobster: That's $44000 in the next five days. Or we'll be forced to do something drastic. Struan: I thought that was a practise game. Mobster: No, the first one was the practise game. Struan: Well, okay, but it would be a shame if the police found out about your little organized crime syndicate. [[The Mobster is worried.]] Mobster: You wouldn't really do that, would you? [[Struan shrugs.]] Mobster: Oh come on! The Gambling Debt

Narration: Dear diary, I know now that I should never have let it go so far. But it's too late for regrets. I have a debt to deal with.
Mobster: That's $44000 in the next five days. Or we'll be forced to do something drastic.

Struan: I thought that was a practise game.

Mobster: No, the first one was the practise game.

Struan: Well, okay, but it would be a shame if the police found out about your little organized crime syndicate.

[[The Mobster is worried.]]
Mobster: You wouldn't really do that, would you?

[[Struan shrugs.]]

Mobster: Oh come on!]]> It's Like a Supernatural Squatter http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=144 http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=144 Fri, 15 Dec 2006 16:04:34 -0000 <a href="http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=144">It's Like a Supernatural Squatter</a> Struan: Do you want to see something FREAKY? Friend: Um... Struan: Check out this thing in my closet. [[Struan and his friend peer into the closet.]] Struan: Poke it! [[There is a girl in the closet.]] Girl: Gurgle. Friend: Why is there a girl in your closet? Struan: It's not a girl. It's an evil ghost, or a zombie or something. Struan: Poke it! [[The girl reaches out her hand.]] Girl: Gurgle. Friend: Ew! She's trying to touch me! It's Like a Supernatural Squatter

Struan: Do you want to see something FREAKY?

Friend: Um...
Struan: Check out this thing in my closet.

[[Struan and his friend peer into the closet.]]
Struan: Poke it!

[[There is a girl in the closet.]]
Girl: Gurgle.

Friend: Why is there a girl in your closet?

Struan: It's not a girl. It's an evil ghost, or a zombie or something.

Struan: Poke it!

[[The girl reaches out her hand.]]
Girl: Gurgle.

Friend: Ew! She's trying to touch me!]]> You Probably Can't Afford the Double Scoop http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=143 http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=143 Fri, 15 Dec 2006 16:04:33 -0000 <a href="http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=143">You Probably Can't Afford the Double Scoop</a> [[Struan is holding a waffle cone with a human kidney inside.]] Struan: Who wants a cone kidney? Struan: Be the first of your friends to own a cone kidney! Struan: I assume they're probably delicious. Child: How much are they? Struan: Just one of your own kidneys. Child: Why wouldn't I just eat one of my own then? Struan: I'd like to see you try that. [[The child bends down and starts chewing into his side.]] [[The child is curled up on the ground, blood running down his face as he chews on his own flesh.]] Struan: Well, you're not getting a waffle-cone out of that deal, are you? You Probably Can't Afford the Double Scoop

[[Struan is holding a waffle cone with a human kidney inside.]]
Struan: Who wants a cone kidney?

Struan: Be the first of your friends to own a cone kidney!

Struan: I assume they're probably delicious.

Child: How much are they?

Struan: Just one of your own kidneys.

Child: Why wouldn't I just eat one of my own then?

Struan: I'd like to see you try that.

[[The child bends down and starts chewing into his side.]]

[[The child is curled up on the ground, blood running down his face as he chews on his own flesh.]]
Struan: Well, you're not getting a waffle-cone out of that deal, are you?]]> In Hindsight, It Probably Wasn't Smart http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=142 http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=142 Fri, 24 Nov 2006 15:35:36 -0000 <a href="http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=142">In Hindsight, It Probably Wasn't Smart</a> [[Struan is looking sad. He also has a prairie dog in his head.]] Girl: What's wrong, Struan? Struan: Well, I tried to get a prairie dog to burrow into my head. Struan: It worked pretty well. But now I have a prairie dog in my head. Girl: So why don't you take it out? Struan: I think it ate the part of my brain which allows me to think logically. Struan: Which is probably why I put it in there in the first place. In Hindsight, It Probably Wasn't Smart

[[Struan is looking sad. He also has a prairie dog in his head.]]
Girl: What's wrong, Struan?

Struan: Well, I tried to get a prairie dog to burrow into my head.

Struan: It worked pretty well. But now I have a prairie dog in my head.

Girl: So why don't you take it out?

Struan: I think it ate the part of my brain which allows me to think logically.

Struan: Which is probably why I put it in there in the first place.]]> Egg and Donkey Pt. 2 http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=141 http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=141 Fri, 24 Nov 2006 15:35:35 -0000 <a href="http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=141">Egg and Donkey Pt. 2</a> [[Army Men to the rescue!]] [[Dinosaur thwarted. Hurrah!]] [[Donkey and Egg are happy once again. Apples abound.]] [[Egg and Donkey are cuddling. What a strange couple!]] [[Egg is smiling. All is well for picnicing once more! Is that how you spell picnicing? It doesn't look right.]] Egg and Donkey Pt. 2

[[Army Men to the rescue!]]

[[Dinosaur thwarted. Hurrah!]]

[[Donkey and Egg are happy once again. Apples abound.]]

[[Egg and Donkey are cuddling. What a strange couple!]]

[[Egg is smiling. All is well for picnicing once more! Is that how you spell picnicing? It doesn't look right.]]]]>