Ugly Hill - latest additions

Ugly Hill - latest additions http://uglyhill.com The latest transcribed Ugly Hill comics, powered by OhNoRobot.com en-us Sun, 19 Apr 2009 21:01:40 -0000 60 Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth http://uglyhill.com/d/20090311.html http://uglyhill.com/d/20090311.html Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:40:45 -0000 <a href="http://uglyhill.com/d/20090311.html">Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth</a> FATHER LEIF: I now pronounce you... FATHER LEIF (offpanel): ...monster and wife. [[HASTINGS looks happier than we've ever seen him as he looks into HOPE's eyes. On the bride's side of the church, we see HOPE'S FATHER, who looks--skeptical. Yeah "skeptical" is about right. On the groom's side, we see ELI, KARL and PETER, who are the groomsmen. We also see GRANT SHERMAN, PESTILENCE MORESORROW, SNUG, MR. LADWIG, SAMANTHA MUDRICK, OLLIE THE JANITOR, HASTINGS' UNCLE JEFF, TOM WIPP, who is asleep, NORA CALLAHAN, who looks stricken, and ELLIOTT KRAUTHAMMER, who looks like he's waiting for the reception to start so the bar will be open.]] Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth

FATHER LEIF: I now pronounce you...

FATHER LEIF (offpanel): ...monster and wife.
[[HASTINGS looks happier than we've ever seen him as he looks into HOPE's eyes. On the bride's side of the church, we see HOPE'S FATHER, who looks--skeptical. Yeah "skeptical" is about right. On the groom's side, we see ELI, KARL and PETER, who are the groomsmen. We also see GRANT SHERMAN, PESTILENCE MORESORROW, SNUG, MR. LADWIG, SAMANTHA MUDRICK, OLLIE THE JANITOR, HASTINGS' UNCLE JEFF, TOM WIPP, who is asleep, NORA CALLAHAN, who looks stricken, and ELLIOTT KRAUTHAMMER, who looks like he's waiting for the reception to start so the bar will be open.]]]]> Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth http://uglyhill.com/d/20090310.html http://uglyhill.com/d/20090310.html Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:39:36 -0000 <a href="http://uglyhill.com/d/20090310.html">Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth</a> PETER: Mr. Kilgore, I just wanted to say good luck, or break a leg, or whatever you say at weddings. HASTINGS: How about "Stay married for longer than five minutes?" HASTINGS (offpanel): Speaking of which: You have the ring, right? PETER: In the suitcase handcuffed to my wrist, just like you said. HASTINGS: Good man. After eight "wacky weddings," I will NOT have this one degenerate into a SITCOM FARCE. PETER: Ha ha, right. OH NO! All the ushers are secretly in love with the bride and the priest has a sawed-off shotgun stuffed down his pants! HASTINGS (red-eyed): NEVER AGAIN. Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth

PETER: Mr. Kilgore, I just wanted to say good luck, or break a leg, or whatever you say at weddings.
HASTINGS: How about "Stay married for longer than five minutes?"

HASTINGS (offpanel): Speaking of which: You have the ring, right?
PETER: In the suitcase handcuffed to my wrist, just like you said.

HASTINGS: Good man. After eight "wacky weddings," I will NOT have this one degenerate into a SITCOM FARCE.
PETER: Ha ha, right. OH NO! All the ushers are secretly in love with the bride and the priest has a sawed-off shotgun stuffed down his pants!

HASTINGS (red-eyed): NEVER AGAIN.]]> Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth http://uglyhill.com/d/20090309.html http://uglyhill.com/d/20090309.html Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:39:00 -0000 <a href="http://uglyhill.com/d/20090309.html">Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth</a> [[Exterior of church, silhouetted against a sunny sky.]] KARL: Hold still, boy. Your tie is crooked. HASTINGS: Thank you. I'm...glad you're here. [[Inside.]] KARL: Of course I'm here! You're my son, and you know I always loved Hope. She was the best thing that ever happened to you. HASTINGS: I wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't show up, after all the things I've said to you over the years. KARL: Oh please, I've got skin like a rhino. You and I have always been like oil and water, but that doesn't mean I don't love you. HASTINGS: *SIGH* I only wish Mother were alive to see this. KARL (grins): Yeah, me too. If she were alive, this would've killed her. Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth

[[Exterior of church, silhouetted against a sunny sky.]]
KARL: Hold still, boy. Your tie is crooked.
HASTINGS: Thank you. I'm...glad you're here.

[[Inside.]]
KARL: Of course I'm here! You're my son, and you know I always loved Hope. She was the best thing that ever happened to you.
HASTINGS: I wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't show up, after all the things I've said to you over the years.

KARL: Oh please, I've got skin like a rhino. You and I have always been like oil and water, but that doesn't mean I don't love you.

HASTINGS: *SIGH* I only wish Mother were alive to see this.
KARL (grins): Yeah, me too. If she were alive, this would've killed her.]]> Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth http://uglyhill.com/d/20090306.html http://uglyhill.com/d/20090306.html Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:38:39 -0000 <a href="http://uglyhill.com/d/20090306.html">Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth</a> ELI: After all my brother has put you through, how could you agree to marry him...AGAIN?! HOPE: He's changed. ELI: CHANGED?! Are you KIDDING me?! HOPE: Before he came to see me, he turned down all the job offers he got from being on TV. HASTINGS: Well, not ALL of them. Most were high-level corporate positions in other states, but I accepted the one offer that paid reasonably well, but wouldn't require long hours or take me away from home. [[ELI reads HASTNGS' new business card.]] ELI: "Hastings Kilgore: Regional Operations Manager of McDorsal's Hamburgers, Inc?" HASTINGS: Would you like fries with that CROW? Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth

ELI: After all my brother has put you through, how could you agree to marry him...AGAIN?!
HOPE: He's changed.

ELI: CHANGED?! Are you KIDDING me?!
HOPE: Before he came to see me, he turned down all the job offers he got from being on TV.

HASTINGS: Well, not ALL of them. Most were high-level corporate positions in other states, but I accepted the one offer that paid reasonably well, but wouldn't require long hours or take me away from home.

[[ELI reads HASTNGS' new business card.]]
ELI: "Hastings Kilgore: Regional Operations Manager of McDorsal's Hamburgers, Inc?"
HASTINGS: Would you like fries with that CROW?]]> Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth http://uglyhill.com/d/20090305.html http://uglyhill.com/d/20090305.html Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:38:22 -0000 <a href="http://uglyhill.com/d/20090305.html">Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth</a> [[ELI arrives at HOPE's office.]] ELI: Uh, hi. Is my brother here? Short, ugly guy? Big nose, strong sense of entitlement? NATALIE: You mean Dr. Kilgore's ex? They're in her office right now. ELI (panicky): Oh GOD, how did I know he was coming to see her? I need to get in there before he makes a fool of himself! [[ELI opens the door to see HASTINGS down on one knee, showing HOPE a diamond ring.]] HASTNGS: Hope, will you be my first...and LAST wife? HOPE: YES! ELI: Oh, come on! That is COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC! Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth

[[ELI arrives at HOPE's office.]]
ELI: Uh, hi. Is my brother here? Short, ugly guy? Big nose, strong sense of entitlement?
NATALIE: You mean Dr. Kilgore's ex? They're in her office right now.

ELI (panicky): Oh GOD, how did I know he was coming to see her? I need to get in there before he makes a fool of himself!

[[ELI opens the door to see HASTINGS down on one knee, showing HOPE a diamond ring.]]
HASTNGS: Hope, will you be my first...and LAST wife?
HOPE: YES!

ELI: Oh, come on! That is COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC!]]> Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth http://uglyhill.com/d/20090304.html http://uglyhill.com/d/20090304.html Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:38:03 -0000 <a href="http://uglyhill.com/d/20090304.html">Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth</a> HOPE: Okay, so...Lydia's GHOST came to you in a dream and told you we should get re-married? HASTINGS: She simply forced me to see what a huge mistake I'd made by letting you go. HOPE: I'm going to pull out my pad now and prescribe you some very strong narcotics... HASTINGS (offpanel): Hope, PLEASE! I've had an epiphany. HASTINGS: I was a bad husband to you, no question about it. I know what I did wrong, and I want one last chance to get it right. HOPE: This is INSANE. I do still care about you, but... HASTINGS (hopeful smile): Did I mention my mother is dead? HOPE: You have my attention. Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth

HOPE: Okay, so...Lydia's GHOST came to you in a dream and told you we should get re-married?
HASTINGS: She simply forced me to see what a huge mistake I'd made by letting you go.

HOPE: I'm going to pull out my pad now and prescribe you some very strong narcotics...
HASTINGS (offpanel): Hope, PLEASE! I've had an epiphany.

HASTINGS: I was a bad husband to you, no question about it. I know what I did wrong, and I want one last chance to get it right.
HOPE: This is INSANE. I do still care about you, but...

HASTINGS (hopeful smile): Did I mention my mother is dead?
HOPE: You have my attention.]]> Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth http://uglyhill.com/d/20090303.html http://uglyhill.com/d/20090303.html Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:37:20 -0000 <a href="http://uglyhill.com/d/20090303.html">Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth</a> HOPE: What are you DOING out there?! Gary's been battling his paranoia for decades, and you just ruined all his hard work! HASTINGS: I'm sorry, but I knew this was the only way you'd see me. HOPE (offpanel): Can't argue with that. What do you want, Hastings? HASTINGS: I've made a big mistake. HOPE (not facing him): You've made a LOT of mistakes. Can you be more specific? HASTINGS: Can we please stop the eye rolling and sarcasm? I seriously need to talk to you. HOPE: How did you know I was rolling my eyes? HASTINGS: When are you not rolling your eyes at me? When we first met I thought you were an epileptic. Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth

HOPE: What are you DOING out there?! Gary's been battling his paranoia for decades, and you just ruined all his hard work!
HASTINGS: I'm sorry, but I knew this was the only way you'd see me.

HOPE (offpanel): Can't argue with that. What do you want, Hastings?
HASTINGS: I've made a big mistake.

HOPE (not facing him): You've made a LOT of mistakes. Can you be more specific?
HASTINGS: Can we please stop the eye rolling and sarcasm? I seriously need to talk to you.

HOPE: How did you know I was rolling my eyes?
HASTINGS: When are you not rolling your eyes at me? When we first met I thought you were an epileptic.]]> Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth http://uglyhill.com/d/20090302.html http://uglyhill.com/d/20090302.html Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:37:07 -0000 <a href="http://uglyhill.com/d/20090302.html">Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth</a> [[HOPE is at her office, checking her mail.]] HOPE: Hi, Natalie. Did I get any messages when I was at lunch? NATALIE: Your ex-husband called. 27 times. He says it's urgent. HOPE (rolls eyes): Hastings called? Geez, I don't need this today. All right, I'll get back to him after my 1 o'clock. {{For those who came in late, HOPE is a therapist.}} [[HOPE is in her 1:00 session.]] HOPE: Hi, Gary. How are we feeling today? Any progress? GARY: I think so! That overwhelming feeling that someone is always watching me was less intense this week. GARY: I'm feeling very positive. After all these years, I think I might FINALLY have a handle on this thing! [[Behind him, we see HASTINGS pressed up against the window, staring wide-eyed into the office.]] Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth

[[HOPE is at her office, checking her mail.]]
HOPE: Hi, Natalie. Did I get any messages when I was at lunch?
NATALIE: Your ex-husband called. 27 times. He says it's urgent.

HOPE (rolls eyes): Hastings called? Geez, I don't need this today. All right, I'll get back to him after my 1 o'clock.

{{For those who came in late, HOPE is a therapist.}}

[[HOPE is in her 1:00 session.]]
HOPE: Hi, Gary. How are we feeling today? Any progress?
GARY: I think so! That overwhelming feeling that someone is always watching me was less intense this week.

GARY: I'm feeling very positive. After all these years, I think I might FINALLY have a handle on this thing!
[[Behind him, we see HASTINGS pressed up against the window, staring wide-eyed into the office.]]]]> Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth http://uglyhill.com/d/20090227.html http://uglyhill.com/d/20090227.html Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:36:44 -0000 <a href="http://uglyhill.com/d/20090227.html">Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth</a> ELI (offpanel): HASTINGS! Hastings, can you hear me? Wake up! [[HASTINGS is lying across his mother's open casket. He wakes up.]] HASTINGS: Huh? What? ELI: Did you fall asleep in Mom's COFFIN?! Oh gross, her DEATH jewelry is all stuck to your face! HASTINGS: Eli? ELI! Can you handle the rest of the guests? There's someone I have to go see! ELI: Um, yeah. Okay... We'll be fine here. [[ELI stands beside the casket watching his mother's body intently---and cradling a baseball bat. Just in case she wakes up.]] Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth

ELI (offpanel): HASTINGS! Hastings, can you hear me? Wake up!
[[HASTINGS is lying across his mother's open casket. He wakes up.]]
HASTINGS: Huh? What?

ELI: Did you fall asleep in Mom's COFFIN?! Oh gross, her DEATH jewelry is all stuck to your face!
HASTINGS: Eli? ELI! Can you handle the rest of the guests? There's someone I have to go see!

ELI: Um, yeah. Okay...
We'll be fine here.

[[ELI stands beside the casket watching his mother's body intently---and cradling a baseball bat. Just in case she wakes up.]]]]> You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, February 12, 2007 http://uglyhill.com/d/20070212.html http://uglyhill.com/d/20070212.html Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:36:18 -0000 <a href="http://uglyhill.com/d/20070212.html">You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, February 12, 2007</a> [[ELI wakes up on the floor of his squalid new apartment.]] ELI: YAWN! ELI: All right! My first day of work in my great new apartment! I'm TOTALLY PSYCHED! [[Eli is at his table, taking envelopes from a pile]] ELI: Time to get lickin', cuz' this smut isn't going to solicit itself! LET'S PAY SOME BILLS! ELI: Huh. My ear feels funny. Kind of hot and stingy. Eh, I'm sure it'll go away soon. CAPTION: 5 minutes later... [[ELI's right ear is hugely swollen and bright red.]] ELI: OH MY GOD WHY IS THERE NOTHING IN THIS STUPID APARTMENT TO KILL MYSELF WITH!? You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, February 12, 2007

[[ELI wakes up on the floor of his squalid new apartment.]]
ELI: YAWN!

ELI: All right! My first day of work in my great new apartment! I'm TOTALLY PSYCHED!

[[Eli is at his table, taking envelopes from a pile]]
ELI: Time to get lickin', cuz' this smut isn't going to solicit itself! LET'S PAY SOME BILLS!

ELI: Huh. My ear feels funny. Kind of hot and stingy.
Eh, I'm sure it'll go away soon.

CAPTION: 5 minutes later...
[[ELI's right ear is hugely swollen and bright red.]]
ELI: OH MY GOD WHY IS THERE NOTHING IN THIS STUPID APARTMENT TO KILL MYSELF WITH!?]]>