Ugly Hill - latest additions

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, November 13, 2006

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, November 13, 2006

[[PETER and CUDGEL in ELLIOTT'S backyard. CUDGEL holds the bomb.]]
CUDGEL: I can't go back to prison, dude. I GOT ENEMIES.
PETER: Then what are you DOING here? Did Mr. Kilgore put you up to this?

CUDGEL: Yeah man, that guy's NUTS. When he looks at me with those eyes, it feels like my heart needs to poop.

PETER: Well, I'm here to patch up Elliott's marriage. This is out of control.
CUDGEL: Good luck. I saw his wife groping some dude in his car and they took off when I got here.

PETER: I don't...WANT to be happy...but I can't...suppress...MY GLEE.
CUDGEL: Well, SHE seemed happy.

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, November 10, 2006

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, November 10, 2006

GREEN COP (writing in notebook): So you know the suspect?
PETER: Know him? He gave me my first Indian burn in kindergarten.

GREEN COP: Ooh, those arm things? I hate those.
PETER: Yeah, they hurt even worse on your face. Can I talk to him?

GREEN COP (through bullhorn): WE'RE SENDING IN A FRIEND OF YOURS! CAN WE HAVE YOUR ASSURANCE THAT HE WILL RETURN UN-EXPLODED?
CUDGEL (offpanel): DEPENDS ON THE FRIEND!

GREEN COP: HE SAYS YOU GAVE HIM HIS FIRST INDIAN BURN!
CUDGEL (offpanel): HA HA! WHAT A GAYLORD! IT'S SO GAY THAT HE REMEMBERS THAT.
YEAH, SEND HIM BACK.

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, November 9, 2006

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, November 9, 2006

[[PETER walks down the street, carrying a note.]]
PETER: All this time that jerk only wanted an intern to patch up his crummy marriage for him? That is TOTALLY not my job!

PETER: Now I'm GLAD they didn't hire Grant. He would have gotten winded and gone home to polish his fake medals by now. Where IS this place, anyway?

PETER: Excuse me, Officer? I'm looking for this address.
GREEN COP: You're lookin' at it, son. Can't go in, though.

GREEN COP: We got a FAT KID cornered in the back yard. Says his boss told him to blow up this guy's septic tank.
CUDGEL (offpanel): You guys hankerin' for a crap tsunami!? I SAID STAY BACK!

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, November 8, 2006

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, November 8, 2006

HASTINGS (scarily happy): CUDGEL! My morally-deficient young ward! I hope you had a good weekend!
CUDGEL: Not that good. I had to take my Mom to get another abor--

HASTINGS: Good, good! The aboriginals are a VERY industrious people! Hard-working! Now LISTEN, we've got a lot of work to do. Are you familiar with our inventory system?
CUDGEL: Uh, no.

HASTINGS: Fine, tell you what? Why don't you just go down to Elliott Krauthammer's house and place this improvised explosive on his septic tank?
CUDGEL: I am familiar with THIS system.

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, November 7, 2006

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, November 7, 2006

PETER: You're living in your cubicle now?
ELLIOTT: Not by choice. It was my wife's idea.

PETER: Did she catch you with another woman?
ELLIOTT: Are you here to get involved in my private affairs, or are you here to WORK?

PETER: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm here to work.
ELLIOTT: GOOD. Now go to my house and tell my wife her Cuddlebug wuvs her vewy much.

ELLIOTT: Then, get down on your knees and beg her to take me b--
HEY! Write it down! CUDDLEBUG!

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, November 6, 2006

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, November 6, 2006

[[Morning. PETER enters ELLIOTT's cubicle.]]
CAPTION: Monday.
PETER: Mr. Krauthammer? I'm here early, just like you said! HELLO?
UGH. What a pig sty.
[[It really is.]]

[[Peter climbs atop the pile of clutter on ELLIOTT'S desk.]]
PETER: It's so EARLY. Maybe I'll just lay down for a minute until he shows up.

[[PETER realizes that ELLIOTT is under the pile of clutter.]]

ELLIOTT: Listen kid, I don't know what kind of FREAK-O ARRANGEMENT you had going with Kilgore, but I don't give out brownie points for SPOONING.
PETER: BLEAUGH!

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, November 2, 2006

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, November 2, 2006

[[Back at the office.]]
PETER: Sorry I'm late. I had to pick 700 ft. of toilet paper off 5 scres of wet grass.
HASTINGS: I don't know why you're apologizing to ME.

PETER: Because you're my boss?
HASTINGS: Not anymore. I put you in for a transfer.

PETER: REALLY?! I mean, uh...Oh yeah? Who do I report to now?

ELLIOTT: Listen up, Titmouse!
From now on, your name is TITMOUSE!
[[PETER'S eyes bulge.]]

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, November 1, 2006

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, November 1, 2006

CUDGEL: Out of my way, creepy bush devil. I got eggs to whip at things.
HASTINGS: I saw what you did to those boys. You set them up to take the fall for that prank you pulled.

CUDGEL: Yeah? SO? Least I didn't push 'em down. I was gonna, you know.
HASTINGS: And why DIDN'T you?

CUDGEL: I dunno. Guess I was afraid they'd tell my step dad.
HASTINGS: He doesn't control you! He's not even your REAL DAD.

CUDGEL: He could be. We're really not sure.
HASTINGS: HE IS A FOOL!

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, October 31, 2006

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, October 31, 2006

[[HASTINGS, still in devil gear, watches over a fence.]]
HASTINGS: HM...Why did that large, ugly boy just toss Peter a roll of toilet paper?

[[ADULT is poking PETER in the face.]]
HASTINGS: Oh, I SEE! The older boy has just "TEE-PEED" that man's house, and he has set up young Peter and his nerdly friend to take the fall.

HASTINGS: Interesting. Perhaps THIS will teach Peter to rent himself out as a talent scout for my worst enemy.

PURPLE GOTH: If the worm has displeased you, Dark Lord, why do you not smite him with your fiery vengeance?
HASTINGS: STOP WORSHIPING ME!

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, October 30, 2006

You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, October 30, 2006

PETER: QUICK, HIDE! SENIORS!
GRANT: Why? They must be trick-or-treating too, right?

CUDGEL: Hey, tardcarts. Do you want me to check your candy for razor blades, or is your MOMMY gonna do that when you get home?
PETER: Leave us alone, Cudgel.

CUDGEL: Yeah, okay. Here, I brought you this, in case you have an accident in your panties. Later, losers.

PETER: Why would Cudgel Hardy give us a roll of TOILET PAPER?
[[An ADULT, wrapped in toilet paper with an egg on his head, approaches them. He's NOT happy.]]